In the middle of October we found out my Mother had lung cancer. She didn't want to tell us until after Christmas, however my father let the cat out of the bag. Since my father sometimes tells half truths, and makes up what he can't remember I didn't believe him. My Aunt (Mothers sister) confirmed it one day later after speaking with my Mother. When I called my Mother I opened with. When's your next appointment, cause I'd like to take you. We had a long chat. She explained she planned on telling us after Christmas. I told her that although this was very upsetting I am glad I know. I told her every day I didn't know I would feel guily later. She said, "you have nothing to feel guilty about." I explained through tears that I would feel guilty for every day she had done it alone.
It took awhile to get over the initial shock. She explained that she already had drivers lined up to take her to the hospital (volunteers) She insisted she didn't want us to take her. I insisted at first that I did.
My brother 1 of 5 reacted in a way that said, "I'm taking control, I want to see charts, Doctors, etc."
I told him that we had to treat her with respect, and to respect her decisions. She is 72 years old and has all her witts. I explained to him about confidentially, and how he could'nt just access records. I also pointed out that we should treat her with the same respect that our mother had treated our Grandmother when she lived with us (many years ago) until she died. My Mom always respected my Grandmothers wishes.
Along comes brother #2 from 3 1/2 hours away. He visits my Mom and then comes to visit me. I tell him what has been going on, and how brother one wanted to take all control, blah, blah, blah, Brother 2 sneeks in, "Mom doesn't want you to drive her." I say, "too bad, I am" He says, well there goes all that great advice, "respect, let her make her own decisions, etc."
we both started laughing, and I realized he was right.
I phoned the cancer society and went over this with them, asking if maybe she wanted me to come, but didn't want to say yes. The woman on the phone said she would want the same thing as my mom is saying. She believed she really doesn't want us there.
I called My Mother and said, "Mom, you can go with the volunteer drivers, I will stay home."
She said, " Oh...O.k...good." Her voice was very excited. It was as if I had just delivered some really good news.
(personally I think she would have snuck around and went on her own, anyway but now she was free to do it without feeling guilty. Reminds me of when I was a teen.)
I made it very clear that I was there for her and have offered numerous things.
My Mom finished a week of radiation. Every night when she got home I would call her and we would talk about the day. She would tell me all about what the techicians had done, who said what, etc. (of course only what she wanted us to know.) She enjoyed the volunteer drivers and all of their life stories. Who travelled where, what restaurant they like to eat at etc.
At one point she said, "you know your social life is in the pits when you look forward to going to radiation." We laughed. She said, "everyone was so nice, really exceptional)
After Christmas my cousins came to visit. I suggested to my brother we invite our parents to the lunch too. So our family got together for a lunch (about 20 of us) The next day my mom and I went shopping and she told me how much she enjoyed it.
I then suggested to my brother that we do it every Sunday. He volunteered to host it alternatively at his home, then brother #3 said, he would also do it.
We invite close friends and other family members. This was our 5th week. We also cook meals that we know our Mom enjoys, and also try new recipes. When we get together Cancer is rarely brought up. We are enjoying our Mom while she is here, and we are living!!! All of us. We will really miss her when she is no longer living, but we are really enjoying her right now.
We don't ask how long she has, and we let her lead us. We have had some wonderful social times always, but most recently more often. Our children find this a very special day and actually either bring their friends, or decline to go elsewhere because as one nephew said, "this is our time to catch up on family."
I got on here thinking I was going to ask questions on how can you tell, why is she, but I feel that just telling our story will be o.k. and I don't feel like I would be doing her justice if I tried to play the detective."
Thanks for listening!