But whether that's good or bad isn't yet clear
by bugsh on Tue Jun 08, 2010 01:39 PM
All the first they call it, after you lose a loved one, it is the first time in a movie without them, in a resaurant etc. But today is my birthday and this really sucks. I wake up alone in bed and no one in the house but me and dogs and it is horrible. Soon the calls will start and it will be how are you coping etc. It just makes it worse. I am so tired of people saying sorry you lost John, I so want to say can you help me find him.
I know they all mean well, there is no right thing to say, but it gets to you. So Happy Birthday to Me and trying to get through another day.
Marsha, w/o John 3-24-10 my hero
by momto3gsds on Tue Jun 08, 2010 04:16 PM
I know this is a difficult time for your but you've been through so much, please try to go out and do something special for yourself today-you deserve it!
by bugsh on Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:58 PM
Thanks, I have vried most of the day on and off. I am trying hard.
by momto3gsds on Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:27 PM
I'm sure it must be difficult. Try not to expect to much from yourself. Like you wrote in your original post, there are going to be soooo many firsts now and you'll likely face challanges with each. The only 'advice' I can give is try to do something different on these days. Its now up to you to find new traditions that feel comfortable and are enjoyable to you.
Just a little bit about me. I have no family (well, I have three German Shepherd Dogs that I consider my family) but I've been on my own since I was 12. At first I was in group homes and different places, I even spent a year plus on the streets of San Francisco when I was 16. As you can imagine, holidays didn't mean much to me. They were usually filled with hurt feelings. As I got older I tried fitting it with friends and sharing their holidays but it never quite felt right for me. You know what I do now? Every holiday is celebrated to the hilt with me and my dogs. I've worked to make sure these days are special based on how I feel now. I don't force myself to be around friends (I can go there anytime) but instead I just enjoy what I love so much-my dogs. My suggestion, keep working on what you love and follow those feelings.
Time will help heal the feelings of loss, but you might just speed that up a tad bit buy trying these new things.
Best of luck, and again, Happy Birthday!
by Lizzy65 on Wed Jun 09, 2010 12:14 AM
First off, Happy Birthday Marsha!
I lost my lovely mother on 3/15/10. Everything is going to be a first for me too. I had my first mother's day without her, my Dad's birthday without her, my birthday in August without her....first day of 4th grade for her grandson, without her..on and on. When I think about it, my pulse increases and I get a bit dizzy. Can you find any comfort in knowing there are so many other people dealing with things similar to you? I have a hard time with that concept. In my opinion, that concept requires a lot of logic and maturity...two things that right I am lacking when it comes to the death of my beloved mother. Take it easy, don't expect too much from yourself, cut yourself some slack, relax watch a good movie, have some icecream, take a long hot bath...
Joanne's daughter <3
by The_Wife on Wed Jun 09, 2010 12:22 AM
I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer on 6/27/97. The first year is so hard because we need to develop new rituals and celebrations without someone who was with us through all these events. On my "first" birthday (actually 54th), my dear cousin who has a heart of gold sent me a card that was made for such an occasion. It said, in essence, you may not feel like celebrating but today is your birthday and I'm glad you're here with us. It helped me. I don't know you but I'm glad you are here. I'm glad you were here to care for your husband. I'm sure you were a comfort to him. Happy Birthday, Marsha.
by MEEMERZ on Wed Jun 09, 2010 03:56 AM
Dear Marsha, My heart will always be with you because I remember how quickly this all came about for you. I felt that I could have helped more. Please know that I am thinking of you! Birthdays are the pits anyway : ) We are (or I should say I am) just getting older. I do hope you can find ways to fill the void in your life. I can't imagine life without Rob but I know that could happen in a heartbeat! I hope your friends and family step up and learn how to help you. Group counseling or individual help would be wonderful! We all need that at times in our lives. I was actually in a Drs office on Friday and he suggested it for me! God Bless you!
by nicurnc on Wed Jun 09, 2010 08:01 PM
First of all, I want to wish you a happy birthday (even if it is a sucky day) and honor everything that you are feeling today. I can't even imagine what you are going through. So I am sending you love, strength, energy and whatever else you need and a big cyberhug.
Take care Marsha....I know it is a hard day and I wish I could make it better for you.
by Clarabelle on Wed Jun 09, 2010 08:20 PM
Nothing I say will help you except please know that many people on this board feel your pain, have walked the walk and can sympathise with you. I am thinking of you today and send best wishes to you,
by Roselvr on Sat Jul 10, 2010 02:35 PM
I was really close to my dad; he passed a month before (2/6) my birthday (3/2); which was the next "goal" he wanted to be alive for. We kind of knew he might not make it that long; but his decline was quick & devastating. I still remember sitting in the doctors office & him saying he was sorry he may not make 302 (that's how he said it)
Valentines day was hard. I have fond memories of Vday; he always made it special for us girls. My birthday was the hardest day of my life; especially since my father in law was also dying of cancer (brain) so my hub was in another state regularly after my dad passed (we got the call after dad's viewing). I felt so alone. Hub was home for my birthday but no one knew the pain I had. Add to this doing a DNA test on his deathbed then getting results in time for your birthday.
He passed on a Monday night, almost 10 pm. I'd showered right before. Every Monday was hard.. I relived that day. To this day, 4 years later, if I take a quick shower it all comes rushing back to me. I was just starting to do better when my hub was diagnosed with oral cancer & I miss my dad just as much.
I'd like to say it gets easier but it's going to be harder 1st. All the holidays, special days (anniversary, etc) will be the pits. I still can break out crying for no reason. I know my dad was not my hub but we had a really special bond & for years I was like his wife because we worked together. I was the one cleaning the business, his car.. I also cooked for him after he moved close to us & was there every day for him when his wife was not. I feel like my heart was ripped out..
Everyone deals with it differently. I welcomed people saying they were sorry because it was better then people not saying anything.
I hope next year will be a little easier.
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