How Can I Overcome This Feeling Of Helplessness?

My Mom is 64 and recently finished her Chemo and Radiation treatments for her lung cancer; of course the Emphysema remains (the price she's paid for 50 yrs. of smoking). Her first follow up doctor appts. were fine. She was up & about, driving, going to bingo, etc. The only difference was the oxygen she is on 100% of the time now. Five days ago, unexpectedly, she became so weak she couldn't walk w/o help, her appetite disappeared, and she began talking the way a person talks in their sleep - only she was awake. My Dad & I have a hospice person come to the house every other day now, and another volunteer to help her bath 3 times a week. She cannot be left alone (the anxiety). Yesterday the RN used the word 'terminal' in the same sentence as ,"at this advanced stage of her disease...". It was the 1st time anybody indicated my Mom wasn't going to get better.
Because her follow up appts. were o.k., it never even occurred to us that we may lose her. I don't understand how her condition could do such a turnaround, or why her doctors gave no indication this could happen. I've got so many questions, and I feel so helpless...seeing my independent, strong, peacekeeping Mom deteriorate like this. And I know it's got to be so hard for her, needing to be cared for like this.
If there's anybody out there who can help me to understand how or why this has happened, and what I can possibly expect this disease to do next, please don't hesitate to tell me. Thank you.

I know exactly what you are going through. I recently went through the same thing with the man I love. He was fine and so sure he was going to beat the cancer until someone told him it was impossible. His medical tests showed that he was still doing well and he thought it was Chemo side effects but I knew right from the start that it was because his doctors and nurses were all treating him like someone who was going to die not like someone who could live even though he was making such remarkable progress. The anxiety that came on him was debilitating and got out of control fast. The doctors refused to see that as the problem and allowed him to become addicted to Vicodin and when I would say something about it I was told he has lung cancer what difference does it make if he is addicted to it. The thing they never told us was that what he was taking to try to treat the anxiety on his own was causing the anxiety to get worse. In the end they tried to catch up and started mixing any thing they could think of to ease the anxiety. It was too late by then. He had checked himself into the hospital for help and they ended up killing him. I have other posts on this message board please read them. I have learned so much that if I had only known 2 months ago I have no doubt he would still be alive and I would not be haunted by the memory of his death and death that was not only uncalled for but not a easy time for him like you would think it could be with being over medicated. He wanted to fight to live and they took that option away from him. It was not only unfair but also cruel!! Please read Know Your Rights as a Cancer patient, it is time for a change and Warning be aware of the rule of double effect. I am trying to do as much as I can to see that what happened to him does not happen to anyone else. Please seek counseling and if the doctor she has doesn't treat her for anxiety change doctors. Get on the Internet and research every thing, alternate treatments, different cancer treatment centers and the side effects and warnings of ALL medication she is given. I hope this helps you. I will work as hard as I can I owe that to him and anyone who needs help. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I have a lot of information. You can email me at and if there is anything I have that you need as far as information goes I will share it with you. Lillian

Hi Nancy,
I understand how you feel. Number 1)You are not helpless. You are a support system for your mother in so many ways. It can be difficult I know. I have been there. I felt helpless at first when my mother was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the lungs and was told she had a year or less. I did a lot of research on my own to get myself familiar with her cancer and also spoke to numerous doctors, not just my Moms oncologist, etc. It's always good to speak to other doctors as they might tell you something of importance that another doctor didn't tell you. There is also so much info available online.

I'm sure it was a shock to you to hear that your Mom will pass away, even though her check ups were good. My Moms oncologist was always up front and honest but for a time there I thought he was nuts. My Moms check ups were always good. No noise in the lungs, etc so I thought ok, she's doing fine and the Doc was wrong about her prognosis. The thing is, I at first did not hear what I was being told. It just did not compute. To me there was no way this cancer was going to take my Mom away and it's a good thought, but it distorts your way of thinking. So then when it hits you that your loved one is going to pass away, it hits hard and then the feeling of helplessness sets in. You are not helpless!!! Do not think that. Instead of kicking yourself over what you can't do, think about what you CAN do and do it.

When my Mom took her turn for the worse, it went quickly. 5 weeks prior to her death, she was up and around doing things. Tired of course from the chemo and radiation but she was up. She was then bedridden for the rest of her time. She stopped eating because her kidneys were shutting down and her body did not need food, but she did drink water. The last week of her life, she was in so much pain from her kidneys that she was put on a morphine drip. This was done at home. We had Hospice too. God bless those people. They were wonderful. The last week was very difficult for me. Prior to the morphine drip, we made sure we said what we wanted to say because we knew once the morphine was started, she would never open her eyes or speak again because she would be getting a high dose. The night of her death, she actually moaned in pain and I lost it. To be on such a high dose of morphine and come through the effects of the drug the way she did said she was in intense pain. I can't imagine the pain of kidneys shutting down but I have been told it can be excruciating. I called the hospice nurse and she talked me through the steps to up the morphine drip. Her breath sounds were wispy for the last few days and she only took about 3-4 breaths per minute. It was heart breaking for me to see her that way as I thought I was well prepared to handle this. There is no way to fully prepare for what you will feel. But don't let your feelings of helplessness take over. The remaining time your mother has is precious. Make the most of it. My Mom and I did.

I stayed with my Mom for the last 6 months of her life. We did so much. Heart to heart talks, shared secrets, laughed, cried, complained, etc. Just me being there was the greatest help of all she told me. I hope you find peace with this. It was hard to let my mother go, but I am a firm believer in God and Heaven and I know that my Mom is better now. What better place to be than with God. No more cancer, a head full of hair, no worries, pain, suffering, etc and me knowing that someday I will see her again and she won't be sick. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Michaelle

Nancy, first my I say I am so sorry you are going through this sad and painful time in your life. Losing a mother is so hard and of course, can be quite painful.
Mom's deterioration was caused by her declining illness. People who go on Hospice usually are on the program because medicine can no longer help or cure a person.
Hospice if a life giving organization in that it helps to enhance quality of life, offer support to patient and loved ones and of course make sure a patient is comfortable. It sounds as though your mother is suffering and of course anxious probably due to her inability to breath well. This is normal. So is her disease process. It may seem odd, but her decline indicates that she is very sick and in need of hospice care. Hospice provides spiritual as well as emotional support, which you might want to take advantage of as soon as possible. Your feeling of helplessness is also caused by fear of losing you mother and death.

All normal...as is your feelings. You are a wonderful daughter whose love and deep concern comes through in your plea for support. What you can do for your mother is spend time with her, care for her and let her know that you love her. Also let her know you will be ok.

Ask questions of Hospice and of course if you have a clergy person you can go to...friend...do so. You really need support now as well. My best to you and my prayers to you and of course, your mother. May she find peace, no pain and continued love.

Subject: RE: How can I overcome this feeling of helplessness?
Screen Name: Lillian D.Date: 1/5/2003
Msg. #: 2 of 4I know exactly what you are going through. I recently went through the same thing with the man I love. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I have a lot of information. You can email me at and if there is anything I have that you need as far as information goes I will share it with you. Lillian
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Dear Lillian,
I cut most of your message---I see it is from Jan of 03, so I don't know if you even read these messages, anymore (Boy! Your message touches me deeply/mirrors our situation in many ways--Bless your heart!!!)--I believe I am in a very similar situation as you are/were/are...
Tomorrow, 11/08/06 my Man (the love of my life--14 years Oct. 31) Anyway, his kidneys may be in trouble NOW, he sees one doc tomorrow (A family doc-(about one of the few docs still left who haven't sent him to pasture, so to speak)...I'll try to keep this short (Short is not something I am good at, though) ... He was diagnosed 7/05 NSCLC, (Had been spitting up blood/I took him to the ER-July 19/05) Originally, Ken was T2 N0 M0--After the removal of the lower right lobe section: T2 N1 M0--Now he is stage 4, since it (LC) meets to his brain 4/06--He did great to begin with in 05, got right through the removal of the 7.5 centimeter tumor in his lung/sailed through it...When he started Chemo (as the arrogant Doc had deaf ears, IMO) Ken's troubles began...2 strokes (Dec. 05 and Jan 06) the 2nd stroke happened while he was in rehab in Jan.--Of course, the Chemo was halted (it had been cut, or put off as it was, prior to the Stroke/Something to due with his blood work--Info. in other room)--He never wanted it (Chemo) to begin with (Catch 22 situation, huh Lil?)
I don't know Lil, if we could do it all over again, don't know that Ken would ever have done the Chemo--I had done a lot of research online in the beginning and for many months---well..., up until recently) and thought radiation might be better/The Docs never listened to anything I said, apparently--some still don't, no matter how many notes I bring or questions I ask--Believe me, I have pages at times, and I always ask many questions, always! (I have Ken's durable power of attorney for health--They -different docs and hospitals- have that all mixed up, too). Ken didn't want it (Chemo) but reluctantly did it...We were NEVER fully informed, nor was it fully explained to us ~~~>(Chemo treatments/side effects~~~>short and long term, etc.)--(the Chemo program/plan he had anyway--2 Chemo drugs/in my records, in other room) Long story--The arrogant Doc man, states so in a letter after the 10/18/06 visit--states we were fully informed, and on and on in the copied medical records(Big Lie!). (I recently asked for my Man's medical records 10/18/06, after reading a cancer nurses notes that visit(out the side of my eye) as it was in front of her--She grabbed it from me, and I told her: "Excuse me, I have a right to read that/I see some lies in there!" -- She didn't care and the S*&* hit the fan at the Cancer center, that day--Holey Moley's, there's a bunch of inaccuracies in those records--I couldn't believe it (Just the few we were able to get, (that is)--I know there are many we'll never see) Like I say, his C doc is one arrogant soul, IMO--Also, speaks out both sides of his mouth--whatever works for him on any given day, IMO! I have been leary about him from the get-go.
He let Ken go almost 3 days with his first stroke (The Dec. 05 stroke--right side of Ken's brain/name for it, in other room--a clot of some sort)--That was the first stroke (I had called and called the C center, with the symptoms, and basically was told it was side-affects of the Chemo and a possible shot Ken received, until the last call~~>Day 3, I believe; Then,we found out with the 3rd MRI (on day 3?) Ken had had a stroke.(he was THEN admitted to the hospital) Doc Arrogant says on the 3rd day, "Carla, I really don't know what is wrong with Ken, call an ambulance!" I didn't--I drove Ken, since we are 5 minutes away from the ER door, and Ken was too stubborn to go via ambulance.--we would have gotten there sooner anyway, by car. (The 2 days prior, Doc arrogant had sent me to the ER for Ken's 2 other MRI's (could have been just an X-ray of some sort, too? My notes are in the other room) Anyway, that all came about after my many calls to the C center and other Docs, (when I first noticed the left side of Ken's body was having problems/not being able to move the left side (mostly from his legs down), dead weight, bad balance, on and on-)
At the ER they (radiologists guy) only did them in the lung area (Day 1) from Doc arrogant's orders, and lower area of Ken's back (MRI #2/Day 2-Doc arrogant's order again)--I would think, at least the radiologist man or even the admitting/checking-in nurse would have known on day 1 (when I took Ken to the ER, as instructed) I would think that someone would have been aware that Ken had had a stroke--Surely Doc arrogant should have understood the symptoms?). I had no clue what a stroke is/was, or I would have had Ken in an ER day 1 (which was at night time--could have been 4 days prior, too?) from his/the symptoms I observed and reported to the C center-And, I would not have left the ER until they could tell me what is/was going on with Ken. I even asked about a certain Chemo drug Ken had taken, since I found online, it can cause a stroke--That too, basically was not listened to, or was thought as unimportant. I believe I took that with me to one of the ER days (printed copy of what I saw); I may have mentioned it to another doc, and possibly doc arrogant...I had started that research when Ken was still doing Chemo, since no-one was telling us anything (very little, that is) about the Chemo Ken was getting, and after Ken had some bad blood counts...
Doc arrogant has done some other crazy things, too--IMO...Won't go there right now...
We don't have many choices here in Sioux City, Iowa for Cancer care/cures/help, etc. ...(It's either do "the good fight" in Sioux City, or go to the Mayo Clinic, or go to Omaha) ... We are existing on a very limited income, so those options were not one we could do, unfortunately. I did call and IM with "The Cancer Center of America"?--I think that is what it is called. Called and IM' ed with them after I was feeling like we were not being fully informed in the earlier part of Ken's LC--what to do, what options we had, etc. etc. ???--We didn't have the funds to go there, unfortunately. Ken is retired (69 yrs. old), and I am on SSI, from a nervous break-down in the Army/boot camp, in 81--Have G.A.D. and some other issues connected to that. (I'm 54)
In the hospital for/with the strokes, a neurologist was brought in--Ken's right carotid artery is totally blocked, and his left is partially blocked. In April 06, I almost lost Ken in the ambulance--I had called 911 since he didn't know me, himself, and was doing weird things--I thought it was a stroke (he had a Massive seizure in route/other stuff)--and, it's been a real struggle since, for him. -- After Ken's brain surgery, there's good and bad days, yet, he keeps "The good fight" going...It is so difficult to watch a beloved going through all this....I don't even know how he pulled through that brain surgery--Bless his heart!--After that, there has been protein in his urine, and then blood--So, he has a urologist now, too...It's one thing after another, and Ken definitely does not have a team of docs on the same page, unfortunately.
This is getting too long Lil, and SOooooooo much is left out...Lil, I hope you have done what you wanted to do...IMO, so many of us are not educated/medically/cancer-wise/body wise, etc., or know about Cancern symtoms related to anything Cancer, nor are we informed from docs (Not all docs--Surely there are great ones) some of us just happen to live in area's where there are not very many great Cancer docs, and many of us do not know our options, or rights, etc. etc. -- I would be very interested in emailing with you, if you are still around--reachable, that is.
God be with you always, Lil!!! And, all the other's going through this.
It may be too late for Ken; Like you Lil, if that is the case, I would want to do something about helping another with the issues you wrote about.
Lil, if you are still reachable, and want to email, my email address is --- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed. Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ---- -- My email box (on my main name) fills up oftentimes; I am too busy to get to my email at times.