On Sep 25, 2010 3:59 AM gothisback wrote:
I miss the man I married! This man I am caring for looks like him but isn't anything like him. The man I married was kind, loving, generous, thoughtful, etc. I know it's pain, the disease, all the meds, anger, etc but he is so rude and thoughtless with his words. Very hurtful! I don't know how much more I can take. How have some of u done it? WHat do I do?
Hello Goth:
I could have written your post, other than the fact I am a husband who misses the woman he married...she was find, loving, generous, thoughtful, always there for everyone including myself...those days, that person seem but a distant memory, kind words replaced by mean spirited, self centered, angry words that cut like a knife, slicing up my heart at every turn as I recede further and further into myself, cowering in fear at what comes next, wondering when the next verbal assault and onslaught is going to occur.
In some ways, one would think my own wife was/is lucky in that they caught her own breast cancer at stage zero, but other complications make it not so simple.
A) She was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 53...the same age her mother was when she succumbed to cancer and died...loaded emotional issues.
B) She already had female issues...fibromyalgia, endometrios, and as we would learn, estrogen dominant which meant some seven months after her radiation a full hysterectomy (cervix, ovaries...they took it all) which threw her into instant menopause.
C) They are watching her closely because of other things that could/might be cancer...the tests and doctors visits are never ending it seems.
D) Let's throw in panic attacks...especially since today she had a panic attack while in the MRI machine...so, the MRI was not done, and MRI that was supposed to check for Abdominal Lesions.
Imagine sitting in the car on the drive home with her at the top of her voice screaming, "I can't do this any more, I GIVE UP."
This instances are usually followed up with a hallow sort of an apology, a "It's not you" attached to it as if that is supposed to make it all better, ease my own hurt and pain, alleviate my own fears regarding what they were looking for that can now not be found till some other means is worked out to get her through the test.
Not sure knowing there are others out there in your situation helps...but it is true...I understand that simple sentiment you speak. "I miss the man I married!", as I miss the woman I married, have had to accept that she is gone forever, is not going to return, and I now have to figure out what I am going to do.
Some people say we are just tired, that a few good nights of sleep will somehow make it all better, will give us the strength to somehow DIG DEEPER, be MORE TOLERANT, more understanding of what our spouse is going through. I wonder...isn't the first rule of life saving something like, "don't let them take you down with them?"
I sleep on the sofa. I spend way to much time on the internet, as it is my only escape, my distraction from a situation that has become intolerable...it's as if the woman I loved is forever gone, never to return, a evil twin look alike in her place that I am supposed to watch over, perhaps even watch die. There is not making love, few if any tender moments, and that occassional moment of tenderness is far too quickly erased as the monster quickly raises its head to snarl at me, strike yet another and another blow as I am attacked for some alleged wrong I have committed, or perhaps just on general principles.
I am bitter, angry, hurt, perhaps even broken...find myself in a trap that I cannot get out of.
We are caregivers...
What if we leave, say, "you know what, I have HAD ENOUGH of your crappy moods and mean spirited ways, and want a divorce." Can we say GUILT, SHAME...OMG, every one of the friends we have (or had) would shun me forever, wonder what kind of an evil soul could abandon their spouse in this moment of crisis in need, whisper behind my back about the cold callous act I had done in throwing her even deeper into the black abyss that is her life.
Be strong...yeah right...sure you already know that there is only so much energy in our batteries, only so much internal fortitude we can reach down and find. If you are like me, you find yourself wondering just how much longer you can continue to be brave, wonder just how much more verbal and emotional abuse you can withstand before you reach your own breaking point.
Wish I had some magic wand I could wave to make your own situation better...I do not. Wish there was some magic elixar I could offer that would make his words hurt less...I do not. All I can offer is a hand in friendship, a ear (speaking figuratively) that you are welcome to bend in the hopes tha venting might at least release some pressure, give you a much needed break, perhaps a feeling that someone understands.
Angels Keep
Daddy Pops