Marital Difficulties

My spouse is dealing with a recurrence of Hodgkin's lymphoma. Her first bout was in 1998; she has been dealing with the recurrence since December '04. She finished 6 rounds of ABVD in February '06, but it didn't work. She is now doing 2 rounds of ICE in hopes that she will be a candidate for high dose chemo with autologous stem cell transplant.

There are various stresses in my life as a caregiver, but undoubtedly the hardest is the fact that this disease has radically exacerbated all the preexisting difficulites in our marriage. We already had imbalances around and disputes about finances and caregiving (I was the primary financial and emotional supporter before)--needless to say these are much worse now. Ny partner tends to go bananas if I ask for any tenderness or care even on her "good" days, but I feel that without a little bit of reciprocity here and there, we don't have a partnership at all--I feel like an unpaid nurse instead.

My partner has never been good at expressing feelings or tolerating my doing so. It was something we worked on in couples' therapy. But now that she is petrified, she is much more shut down. The only emotion she has easy access to is anger--and guess who it gets directed at? I feel so sad and so lonely. I want to be a good support person, but feel that the emotional burden is well-nigh unbearable.

I know lots of marriages go through tough times during cancer treatment, but the image we're presented is that of families pulling together in love. I feel like a failure because this is not happening in my home. Any words of empathy or wisdom?

I have no words of wisdom. All I can say is that you are not alone. My husband was dx'd with nsc lung ca in 7/06. Before that our marriage was on the rocks and now i am his only caregiver. I take care of him very well. Maybe so that no one can say that i did not do my best. Before his dx he had a good job and now I am the only breadwinner. His SSD payments are very low. I do my best with the little we have and he rarely appreciates it. I have a high stress job but often look forward to going to work, as things are so strenuous at home. My husband barely talks to me anymore (not that he was a brillant conversationalist before). I am in a support group, but everyone there seems to have a wonderful relationship with the person they care for. So I have not yet addressed any of my trials and tribulations. I doubt I ever will.
I have no words of wisdom for you, but I think that a diagnosis of cancer doesn't change the person, and the problems don't go away. I thought he would appreicate all my efforts, but it rarely happens.
I feels very alone and often stressed to the max.
Good luck to you, and take care of yourself, too. That is one thing that I have learned. I work out three times a week and often go for long walks by myself (although my dog, who is great comfort accompanies me). This really helps.

My two cents on this -- I believe cancer reduces life down to the bare essentials. The person is forced to face his life. If he isn't happy with what is there, chances are he won't change. If he didn't appreciate you before, he won't now. My heart goes out to you both.

You are not alone.
In January I met a great guy. By May he moved 500 miles to be with me in my home.
By July 4 he was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer of the tonscil.
He has surgery, 7 wks of radiation and 3 doses of chemo.
During the treatments I took him to every appointment and was with him all the way--taking off from my job.
He was a complete jerk to me during the treatments.
He started starving himself and has lost 54 pounds and looks awful.
I was so fed up with his lying about eating and bs'ing the doctors that I called his mother to take over, which he did not want me to do.
She is in a hotel and coming over daily to take care of him.
She blamed me for his condition and told me that everything done for him up to this point is wrong.
I told her that she was here to take over and that I was done.
Now I don't speak to either of them and yet they are in my home.
It is awful.
I joined a couple of caregiver support groups and am getting out of town for a long weekend.
I already told him that his mother should take him to her hotel but he doesn't want to go.
How did things get so messed up?
Any comments? Suggestions?