We have grown apart. Separating.

62 Posts | Page(s): 1 2 3 4 5 ...67 Next 

We have grown apart. Separating.

by IamHere on Mon Jan 31, 2011 12:57 AM

Quote | Reply

It has been 20 months since my husband's diagnosis. Through this whole journey I thought I could do this. Be the caregiver. But my husband has changed so much. He seems like a stranger most of the time. So have I. I have become very independent since for nearly  16 months I did everything since he lost strength in his body and was sick from chemo and radiation. He also has just begun going back to work now. I am happy he seems to be doing well and there have been no recurrence. 

Biggest roadblock now is I do not want to be with him anymore. His up and down mood swings. His controlling nature. His telling me how things will be and how I should be. This has built a wall between us. I don't think he sees it though. 

I want to separate from him. I do not want to be married to him anymore. I feel trapped and I am tired of being controlled mentally by him. It is as if he holds his cancer over me like a weapon. I am unhappy and it shows. My kids see my sadness. I cannot do this anymore.

I don't care if any of you on this message board tell me I am self centered person for leaving their husband who has brain cancer. Why did I come to this message board? I do not believe for one minute I am a bad person for leaving their husband. He cannot make me happy. I am exhausted from being unhappy. I refuse to live this way anymore. Yet it is like being between a rock and a hard place. 

I admire all of you for being so strong and supportive to your beloved who have this awful brain cancer. And for those who are suffering through this. My heart goes to you all. 

What does one do in this position? 

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by KWiles on Mon Jan 31, 2011 01:10 AM

Quote | Reply

I don't think you are self-centred or selfish for feeling this way at all.

I have just lost my husband to lung cancer, he fought it for 16 months before he finally lost, he changed quite a lot because of it.

All I can advise is give it some time before you finally decide to actually leave him and one main thing you should do is tell him how you feel.  Believe me you need to talk to him because if you don't and something happens you will never forgive yourself.  If he doesn't want to know that is up to him but you never know he may not realise how much he is hurting you and your children.  I always spoke to my husband about everything including the cancer.  If you still feel the same after you have spoken to him then so be it.  I am sure he wouldn't want you around if you don't want to be.

Good luck xx

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by Broken on Mon Jan 31, 2011 01:41 AM

Quote | Reply

IamHere,

I am so sorry for you both.  As you know with a diagnosis of Cancer, life & everything about it changes including those we love.  As my late husband said with his diagnosis - From this point forward, life will never be as we once knew it.  We stayed together through the whole herendous time of our lives.  It wasn't easy to say the least.  He had tongue cancer & as things got worst & worst, he got harder & harder to live with.  As you stated, he became a stickler for controlling anything & every thing.  I wondered sometimes if he really thought that I was that incompentent.  We'd been married for 43 years & the change in him with everything was something I couldn't understand.  But I'd continue to shower him with love & caring and just let it all slide off my back.  He'd just become more & more irate with everything I did or tried to do.  He'd just keep on trying to be the one in control no matter what with everything while battling his Cancer.  It's like he was trying to provoke me to the point that I'd as well just trow in the towel and just leave.  But I wouldn't, I couldn't knowing the love of my life was changing & I believed it was all because of his situation with Cancer.  He had no control over it as much as he tried.  Nothing was working, surgery, treatments or medications, the damest destruction of his entire head from cancer was occurring and all he could talk about was how much better off he'd be if he just left me & went & died all alone.  My soul & heart just couldn't understand it all.  I didn't then & now that he's gone I still don't.  I guess I never will.  I now think he was spending all his energy pushing me away - thinking if I wasn't around to see him go through this then he could die & it wouldn't bother me at all.  His thinking process was truly hinder throughout his battle.  This is the only reason I have for it all.  I know he truly loved me as much as I loved him & can only conclude that he just couldn't accept what was ahead of him & wanted to spare me from the pain.

I will not condem you for what you feel you have to do.  Each of us & our situations are different & only you know what is best for yourself.  No matter how much love the two of you have for one another now & how much you had - its still a very bitter-sweet situation.   May you find the strength to handle whatever you choose to do.  Know that we here on this site have been through or are going through very simmilar situations and none of it is easy by no means. 

I guess I'll always be so confused about what happened leading up to his death.  The one thing I do know is that he's in heaven with our Dear Lord & he no longer has to battle the pain & suffering he endured.  I just hope that when my time comes to go to Heaven, my love of my life remembers that I loved him unconditionally all my life.  

My heart goes out to you & your family.  May you make the choice that you can live with the rest of your life.  I'm sending hugs & prayers to you & your family & I hope your husband remains in remission & comes to his senses & realizes just what he's about to loose. 

Broken

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by number9 on Mon Jan 31, 2011 01:42 AM

Quote | Reply

if only answers here, to your questions, could somehow make it better ... 

 

i am so sorry.  it is my hope, that those here whom have found themselves in similiar shoes may connect with you in a way which will offer support. 

peace to your hearts.

de

 

 

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by Kristalee on Mon Jan 31, 2011 02:44 AM

Quote | Reply

On Jan 31, 2011 12:57 AM IamHere wrote:

It has been 20 months since my husband's diagnosis. Through this whole journey I thought I could do this. Be the caregiver. But my husband has changed so much. He seems like a stranger most of the time. So have I. I have become very independent since for nearly  16 months I did everything since he lost strength in his body and was sick from chemo and radiation. He also has just begun going back to work now. I am happy he seems to be doing well and there have been no recurrence. 

Biggest roadblock now is I do not want to be with him anymore. His up and down mood swings. His controlling nature. His telling me how things will be and how I should be. This has built a wall between us. I don't think he sees it though. 

I want to separate from him. I do not want to be married to him anymore. I feel trapped and I am tired of being controlled mentally by him. It is as if he holds his cancer over me like a weapon. I am unhappy and it shows. My kids see my sadness. I cannot do this anymore.

I don't care if any of you on this message board tell me I am self centered person for leaving their husband who has brain cancer. Why did I come to this message board? I do not believe for one minute I am a bad person for leaving their husband. He cannot make me happy. I am exhausted from being unhappy. I refuse to live this way anymore. Yet it is like being between a rock and a hard place. 

I admire all of you for being so strong and supportive to your beloved who have this awful brain cancer. And for those who are suffering through this. My heart goes to you all. 

What does one do in this position? 

Iamhere,

   Sadly, people WILL judge you, maybe on this site, maybe not. I left my husband who had brain cancer. Some people on this site DID JUDGE me for it too, and I am sure they still do.

My Mark became very abusive, withdrawn and demanding. He changed from a person I loved with all my soul to a person I couldn't wait to get away from. I became the "mom" he never had. Those were our roles. He took. I gave. Rinse and repeat for two years. 

   He had kicked me out of our home twice. Once because I nagged him too much. The other time he threw food in my face and told me to get out, screamed it actually...he was just gone...these are things he never did when we were dating obviously, and yes, SOME of it was the cancer, but most of it was him, it was who he decided to be.

  At that point my family, friends and therapist were afraid for my health and safety, and didn't want me to go back to him, but I did. I felt MY love was enough and like you, I couldn't face what people would think of me if I did leave....Mark would tell me that if I left him, everyone would think I'm a horrible person, that I can't leave him since he has cancer...he can't leave the cancer, so I couldn't either...

  I KNEW when I left I would be the "bad" guy, it didn't matter what Mark did or didn't do as my husband, how he treated me like dirt and took me for granted. He felt he could. He had cancer, and that trumps everything...it's so unfair, but that is how people think...unless they have walked in our shoes that is.

  In sickness and in health, to me goes both ways, just because you are sick does not give you the right to take advantage or be abusive to your spouse, and if you are treating your spouse awfully, get help! 

  I left in the middle of August. Mark passed away December 28. It was a shock. He was doing so well. It didn't matter to his friends or family that he had kicked me out, let his drug addict friend move in and that it caused even more problems in our marriage....I had left...and he had told everyone I had left him the times HE kicked ME out....so, just be prepared for his family/friends to treat you like a leper. His brother cussed me out at the hospital, told me I should have just taken whatever Mark did to me...his sister wouldn't talk to me at all. Seeing Mark's "girlfriend" stuffing her face at the memorial service was also something I wish I could erase from my mind, but then again, Mark made HORRIBLE selfish choices.

   Now that Mark is gone. I do not blame myself or feel guilty about the choices I made. Sometimes I need to be reminded about WHY I left, but believe me, my family will refresh my memory. 

BUT.  I simply just MISS my Mark. Whoever he became after the diagnosis, I miss that person as well....

  If you leave you will have regrets, if you stay you might have more.....I say do what you feel you need to do....it is HARD no matter what choice you make.

Krista

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by passionfish on Mon Jan 31, 2011 02:59 AM

Quote | Reply

I am hoping that you will find peace in whatever decision that you make. Yes, there are a few naysayers on this site but generally speaking I have found only love, compassion, advice and comfort...Best to you, your children and of course your husband..

Adonna (passionfish) sister of Marilyn dx GBM 7/27/09 died 12/21/09

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by auntmo63 on Mon Jan 31, 2011 04:34 AM

Quote | Reply

No judgement here.  I don't think your a bad person.  My heart goes out to you and I hope you will soon find some joy and happiness.  We all deserve that.  Has you husband tried anything for the mood swings?  I'm curious if you've tried any type of counseling?  I'm afraid I may be heading down the same road.  My husband has actually threatened to leave me.  We decided we would try counseling and I'm waiting to see if his disposition gets back to normal once he's off the Dex.  It's so hard when you "loose" the man you loved.

-E

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by I_love_Gary on Mon Jan 31, 2011 04:35 AM

Quote | Reply

"What does one do in this position?"  One does what their concience dictates.  "Why did you come to this message board?"  Because you must not be too sure of the right path to take. 

Of course your exhausted and unhappy.  Of course he is a different person.  Of course you want off this roller coaster, and in your case, out of the cage.  I can't help wondering if he had control issues before the disease.  He has a right to feel his feelings, but he does not have a right to be hateful or abusive.  I agree with the previous poster who suggests that you talk it out.  IF you are confident that he still has the ability to reason and process your words, then he should know just how you feel.  Maybe you could start by asking him what he wants?  What would make him feel that he had enough control in his life, to allow you some peace?  What would it take to prove to him that you care enough?  What would you have to do to gain his respect?  

You have a right to seek happiness, although in this caregiver role that we find ourselves, it is fleeting at times.  Is he having trouble dealing with intimacy?  The treatment has some major influence on that.  Is he feeling afraid of failing at his job?  Some men have too much of their identity tied to their work.  Does he resent that you have had to become so independent, and now he can't believe that you still need him?  Men love to be needed.  Are his mood swings related to his medications?  How about an antidepressant?  Have the 2 of you had special alone time since his diagnosis?  Do you need a sandy beach, palm trees and all the time in the world to talk?  Does he have some goals that he wants to achieve in his life and he is scared to death that he will not have time?  Facing one's mortality on a daily basis is not easy.  And, is he just acting like a spoiled child who is attention seeking?  That would not be unusual.

So, no one is calling you self centered, I suppose we all have felt like you, just today I told someone that I wanted to get off this miserable train before it crashes, and maybe thats how your feeling.  I hope you make a decision you won't regret.  Only you will know what to do.  But please don't go before doing the analysis, find out if it can be fixed.  Try to wear his shoes for awhile, try to get a feel for his reality, and if he can't help to fix this, you do what you have to.

Hope for you and the kids, and your marriage.       DL

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by Justjules on Mon Jan 31, 2011 04:46 AM

Quote | Reply

20 months is a long time to live with GBM. I don't think anyone here will judge you. They may in the real world, but we understand the stress, the personality changes, the life you have lead since the diagnosis. Are you with the man you married, or with his angry, controlling twin with mood swings? Which man is going to be left behind? My Mary was a much different person with the cancer, that's the only reason I ask.

That figures into the equation, and the kids...how will that affect them when they may be losing their Dad soon...are they better off with the family intact, or not? If it's really bad, you have to go...

Self centered or self preservation? Only you can tell...we aren't here to judge certainly, just to bat around the discussion for you to consider...you are certainly in a quandry that I don't envy. This BC thing is horrible on everyone, patient, caregiver, family. 

I hope you find Peace with whatever decision you choose. There is no wrong answer, whatever you decide will be right for you. and in the immediate, I wish for you a good night's sleep. I remember how very very tired I was when I was in your shoes...

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

justjules

RE: We have grown apart. Separating.

by inittogether on Tue Feb 01, 2011 03:01 AM

Quote | Reply

This whole thing sucks so damn bad, I'm surprised any of us have any sanity at all, much less be able to carry on outside of this gbm world where we are required to still be functioning human beings.

This journey changes all of us forever in many different ways & you don't need to apologize.  I'm just so sorry gbm robbed you in this way. I hope you can find a resolution, but it just might not be possible, and here.....we understand....boy do we understand.

I dare anyone to pass judgment on those walking this path.  You have to save as much of yourself as you can...your children need you too and for me, some days there just isn't enough of me to go around!!

Glad you felt you could share these thoughts with us!  We're all struggling......peace to you......Kathy

62 Posts | Page(s): 1 2 3 4 5 ...67 Next 
Subscribe to this message board discussion

Latest Messages

View More

CancerCompass Survey

If you were considering traveling for cancer treatment, which headline would you find more interesting?

Get $75 for taking a research survey

We care about your feedback. Let us know how we can improve your CancerCompass experience.