Any Advice F Or A Scared Caregiver?

My friend is on her second fight with breast
cancer. First the right side was removed
successfuly with surgery but now she has it
again on her left side and the PET scan showed
something in the liver. She goes in next week
for a biopsy and tests for it to see if it has
metatasized there. We hope not but what else
could it be?

I would like to get some advice on how to
support her in this. She says I abandon her
emotionally and that is the last thing I want to
do. I know it may sound stupid but I just freeze
up when she talks about it and I don't know what
to say. What keeps me from heart my on it is
probably all the deaths I saw as a kid that were
treated with silence and no support for me. I
know how to go into shock and shut it out but
not how to be compassionate to my friend. I do
not feel like I know how to give the support she
needs. That sounds stupid and I am afraid I
can't do it. Lists say to live in the now and be
yourself but myself is no where to be found with
this.

I have been reading a lot of support lists and
know that she neeeds me to deal with this
problem. What is it that cancer strugglers need
to hear from their friends? I told her I WILL
deal w ith this, but when she called she saidwe
were not connecting an I was being resistent and
my promises are empty if I just say it but can't
be there. The last time I was really no help at
all and the stress of it was not good for her
recovery. I hate this! She says she is brittle
and asks me not to hug her. She says she has a
big hill to climb now and she needs my help but
I just feel like a scared child. She says she
feels invisible to us and all alone. She says
she can't be my mother and no energy to deal
with my problems now. of course but why am I so
dead inside when she needs to care? How can I
get in touch with my own heart and know I might
lose her and be there for her in the terrible
time?
Can anyone help me, please? I would really
appreciate your rsponses.
Thank you.
Delores

Hi Delores,
It is definitely scary and shocking to see someone we love go through cancer. A part of us wants to shut it all off, flee the scene. We may not flee physically, but perhaps emotionally - because its too painful. We just don't want to deal with it - its overwhelming.

My father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer this February. We lost him in May. He was the closest person to me. It was scary to go see him - when I first went to see him in hospital I was tentative...I was chirpy and all but not as warm as I am normally with him. Then I consciously told myself: cancer or no cancer, he is STILL my father. The fatherhood is the whole, this cancer is an evil we need to deal with - but he is still the same person. Until then, my whole thought was so consumed by the cancer and the fear and shock of it, that I was tentative with him. But the disease is not who he is.....and I decided I must do what I can to help him fight it. I cannot fight it physically, but I must help him emotionally deal with it. So our whole family wore Livestrong bracelets (from the Lance Armstrong foundation), made him wear one too - and declared that this was *our* war and he is not alone. We told him that we are fighting the cancer along with him.

Just being there to listen, comforting them when they go through pain or discomfort - that itself is a big help. When she talks, just acknowledge what she says, tell her you are there for her. That you're hoping, and praying for the best. That you'll make sure she gets the best medical care, that if she needs to talk, you are there to listen. We used to pray, and basically stay near my father's bedside talking, playing cards, touching his forehead, holding his hand once in a while..... And just using a very calming voice to calm him when he went through discomfort and we had to call the nurse. Small things like that.

Try to keep your friend's spirits up, by maybe talking about something she likes. Maybe reading her an interesting news item or story, when she's able to listen. Help her, but also try and see the person and relate to her the way you used to (that will ease her own fear of the disease I think).

Another thing: children. If she's in a condition where some child in the family can visit her, do arrange for that (though the visit will need to be short). Seeing a child is such a magical comfort - will mentally remove her from her current situation.

Hope this helps.

Take care,
Priya.

I have gone through the battle with cancer with my father, uncle, aunt and now my sister....I have found that I do better at providing support if I am educated on the subject matter. I constantly read about the diagnosis,symptoms, treatments, etc, so that I can discuss the situation with them and actually particpate with understanding and knowledge....I find that it helps to relieve my nerves also when I am armed with more information.