I do not believe everything happens for a reason!

Hi all, My name is Brandy... July 13, 2010 my life changed forever... that was the night we found out my husband had a brain tumour... less than a week later when he got his crainotomy we found out he had a grade 4 GBM.

After a month of recovery we met with the chemo dr and radiation dr and we were told the stats... we both told the drs we were going to beat the odds and we would be there in 5 years proving them wrong.

Well we couldn't have been more wrong... Jan 6, 2011. I sat holding my soul mates hand as he took his last breathe. I didn't even get 6 months with him... some would say I got more time than others and they are right but honestly I wanted more time.

I am 29, he was 31 and we have a 6 year old son. I feel like I have lived a whole life already, and I hate that I am so young and I have so much life to live. If it was not for my son I would be in the corner waiting to die but I need to go on for my son. I can't say that I don't go to bed wishing that is the night god would let me go be with my husband because that would be a lie.

I don't understand why god thats horrible people live so long and he took my husband who was great, I knew when I married him I got one of the few good men in the world. He was a great husband and father. It just isn't fair. I am so mad and so sad that my life and all my our plans have been ripped away from us. That my son will grow up wthout a father. I am so afraid that I won't be enough for him.

I do not want anybody else, I only want my husband and it sucks that I have to live out my life alone until I am with him. I will say this though if I can be with him for eternity it is worth the wait.

Sorry this post is so negative....Just having a down day.... yesterday was 2 months since he was gone and I miss him like crazy... I am going through the motions of life and I do have some good days but the bad ones still outweigh the good ones. ON March 21 I return to work...I hope it goes well.

Brandy

Dear Brandy,

I followed your journey from early on & I do understand your anger.  I use the term "prepared for" loosely but there is some merit to having a little more time than you did with Jay after dx.  Your journey was such a whirlwind from one emergency to the next...you never had a chance to even BEGIN to regroup from dx July 13th much less have time to prepare for the end.  You were robbed of precious time to say things, prepare things, & I do understand why it is so difficult for you to even think about "moving on" or "the rest of your life."

I am still wandering in the wilderness of our journey, and have not been in your position yet, but just wanted to send you a great big hug to encourage you to take it slow....don't expect too much of yourself yet.

I too refuse to be things "happen for a reason."  Bad things just happen to good people & it totally sucks on every level.  There is no lesson...no purpose....just our frail human bodies that get sick.

BUT.....you have a huge part of Jay sitting right next to you in that precious son.  Do whatever it takes to find some one, some thing, some way that will bring you to start processing that grief.  It is different for every person so I would never be so presumptious to suggest what might work for you, but you showed such strength & courage in caring for Jay, & that same Brandy is in there somewhere.  Never to be the same....that's for sure, but baby step by baby step all the plans you & Jay had for your son are still out there...waiting to be fulfilled...waiting for the torch to be passed in memory & HONOR of Jay.  You will be the same balls to the walls Mom you have been the first 6 years of his life & it will be all he ever needs. 

It is still so raw & early in your grieving process....glad you posted...no matter how negative.  We will read it....we will grieve with you...we will hurt for you & with you.  Be sure to find anything that will help...anxiety meds temporarily if necessary....I will be thinking of you March 21st as you return to work.  Life unfortunately will drag you on when you want to just stay in bed with the covers over your head!  That is the most difficult part I would think....having to put that smile on your face while the tears are dammed up ready to burst out.  Let'em out when you can.....let me know when you need a refill & I'll cyber them right over to you.

I hear your cry....I feel your pain...you are not alone....Kathy

I hope tomorrow returns as a good day.

Brandy,

Thank you for this post ... for putting into words things that I am also thinking and feeling.  I lost my Brian on 2/11/11; we did not have any children.

NO ONE will ever be as precious to us as our husbands.  Never feel like you have to "be strong" (an expression I have grown to hate).  Cry all you want - in front of colleagues, your son, strangers in the store.  Yes, our life plans have been stripped from our thoughts and dreams.  Nothing will ever be the same.  Period. 

I grieve with you; I pray we eventually do some healing as well. 

Holly M. - wife of Brian, my forever love

I agree with you.  It is so unfair that so many young people lose their lives to brain tumors and so many children lose their parents.  My husband died of a brain tumor the day after yours did, and I also have a 6 year old (girl) and two teens.  It is so unfair for these little first graders to lose their fathers!  Your husband sounds like a great man.   Hugs and hang in there.  Tara

Oh Brandy,

I also, have followed you from the beginning and almost matched your journey step for step with the timeline.  It is too soon, too quick, too hateful, too unfair, too final. 

It is so out-of-synch with everything else.  The world keeps on spinning - people get up and face their days - children laugh and play....and, we are lost in the maze of the disconnection.  Not recognizing ourselves or our roles.  From wife to widow in one breath - hating to exhale for fear of inhaling that new status.

As I sit here "staring" at the blinking cursor - I wonder if anything I say can make a difference for you and I fear not.

So, I wiil just say that "to each his own"  We will all muddle through this some way or another.  Grief is a road you walk alone and no one can tell you how long it is or how to do it - there is no road map.  No right way - no wrong way, just your way.  I cannot walk for you, but I can walk beside you as I travel my own.  Hopefully, we don't all stumble on the same day.  

Be kind and gentle to yourself and your son.

Love and Peace,

Suzzanne

I was going to post something similar to inittogether; I've been following them too; it seemed like one thing after the other. I'm so thankful they were able to travel to see family.

I hate reading when good people are diagnosed; lose the fight. My heart was broken when Brandy posted the photo memorial of Jay. I could not watch the whole thing.

Brandy; you have every right to feel the way you do. People your age should not have their lives ripped apart like this.

I don't know why there is so much cancer. I hope that in the next few years they figure it out.

Thanks all for replying...I am so sorry that anyone has to go through this it is not fun....you all are very supportive..

I can't remember who said people have to grieve on there own and really nobody can do anything to help it and I pretty much agree...I have to be the one to get through my feeling but it is nice to know I have a wonderful support system ...

On Wednesday I had my first cry free day...I was so excited...on Thursday I bawled like a baby.. my emotions are not in my control yet...they are so crazy....

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I just can't seem to get excited about it....it just won't be the same without Jason..

BRandy

~~lost without the love of my life~~

Thanks all for replying...I am so sorry that anyone has to go through this it is not fun....you all are very supportive..

I can't remember who said people have to grieve on there own and really nobody can do anything to help it and I pretty much agree...I have to be the one to get through my feeling but it is nice to know I have a wonderful support system ...

On Wednesday I had my first cry free day...I was so excited...on Thursday I bawled like a baby.. my emotions are not in my control yet...they are so crazy....

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I just can't seem to get excited about it....it just won't be the same without Jason..

BRandy

~~lost without the love of my life~~

Brandy; I'm sorry that you have to know having a birthday so close to losing him. All I did was cry; my birthday (3/2) was a month after I lost my dad; then my FIL passed (3/30) from brain & it was my hubs birthday 2 weeks after losing him. I spent just about all of my birthday crying that year; it was horrible enough to lose my dad but having my hub keep leaving the state to see his parents was so very hard.

The 1st year is going to be filled with a lot of emotion as you go through all of the 1st alone. It won't be until that; that you will begin to feel like the band aid hasn't been ripped off repeatedly. It's like knives in your heart.

I hate to say happy birthday because I know it will be far from that. I guess I will say that I hope you are able to get through it.

~Hugs

One more thing.. think of what Jason would want for you. While your pain is still so very new & raw; at some point; Jason would want you to heal. He looked like such a loving husband/dad- it would kill him to know you're in so much pain. I know my dad wouldn't want this for me- year 3 after we moved I was starting to get on with life until my hub was diagnosed with oral which ripped my heart open again.

We're all different with how long it takes & what it does to us.