When to tell your spouse

My husband was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 colorectal cancer that has spread to the liver.  He has never had a treatment yet, although he was diagnosed 6 weeks ago.  He was scheduled for chemo but became very, very ill.  He has been in the hospital since.  They have ruled out chemo or radiation now and told me he has probably 3 months.  My question is:  When should I tell my husband of his prognosis? He is positive and hopeful now; if I tell him, that would kill his spirit.  These are the only things he has left.  So many people are shocked that I haven't yet told him.  I don't understand this; I am trying to protect him from this devastating news.  Of course, when the end is definitely near, I know I will have to talk to him about it.....just not yet!  

If somebody has an answer, please let me know.  I'm so upset about this. 

I'm so sorry for the both of you. I don't know anything about colon cancer really, my husband has pancreatic cancer. What I'm wondering about is a second opinion. Is that an option? If it isn't, I guess I would ask to speak to someone from hospice or someone that can guide you through this awful time for the both of you. It would be very difficult to have that burden to carry in you, and be expected to find the right words to tell your husband there is no hope. Hospice, clergy, or the doctors should be able to help you. My heart goes out to the both of you.

Blessings

On May 14, 2011 2:31 AM Gretchenmarie wrote:

I'm so sorry for the both of you. I don't know anything about colon cancer really, my husband has pancreatic cancer. What I'm wondering about is a second opinion. Is that an option? If it isn't, I guess I would ask to speak to someone from hospice or someone that can guide you through this awful time for the both of you. It would be very difficult to have that burden to carry in you, and be expected to find the right words to tell your husband there is no hope. Hospice, clergy, or the doctors should be able to help you. My heart goes out to the both of you.

Blessings

This is a hard decission but I would think that he needs to be told while he is doing OK for now.  He might want to make sure that his affairs are in order.  There might be people he might want to see.  it might give him to will to fight harder.

I know how hard this might be but I know I don't have long and I am alone but I am not afraid to die as I have make my piece with God.  I worry about the ones left behind alot more that I worry about myself.

Suddie

On May 14, 2011 2:24 AM lindachuck wrote:

My husband was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 colorectal cancer that has spread to the liver.  He has never had a treatment yet, although he was diagnosed 6 weeks ago.  He was scheduled for chemo but became very, very ill.  He has been in the hospital since.  They have ruled out chemo or radiation now and told me he has probably 3 months.  My question is:  When should I tell my husband of his prognosis? He is positive and hopeful now; if I tell him, that would kill his spirit.  These are the only things he has left.  So many people are shocked that I haven't yet told him.  I don't understand this; I am trying to protect him from this devastating news.  Of course, when the end is definitely near, I know I will have to talk to him about it.....just not yet!  

If somebody has an answer, please let me know.  I'm so upset about this. 

I am dying. stage IV Thymic Carcinoma VERY RARE no cure,.....no chance for survival. so I am giving you a perspective from the other side. 

  What immediately hit me was what you may be cheating him out of. I am using my time left to take care of several areas of my life. To leave albums and dvds for grandchildren hopefully take a vacation with my husband etc. I was supposed to die 16 months ago thats what my first oncologist said  she was wrong and here I still am using everyday as a gift. A gift of time to make sure my family will be o.k.

  If someone else had made the decision to NOT KEEP ME INFORMED OF MY OWN HEALTH? That would have cheated me of being able to leave legacys for my family. I would have thought I woudl be here to read to the babies ands I wouldn't have recorded books for them to listen to at bedtime so much woudl have been left undone  or left for them to struggle thru.

  I believe he has the right to know  the right to decide if he fights or gives up  the right to check things off his "bucket list"

 I am sure your heart is breaking and seeing him happy makes this all a bit easier to bear.people tell me that anyone can die tomorrow without warning but that is one thing WE have...... TIME. Time for forgiveness and family you may have lost touch with. thru all of this I have gotten closer with my husband "Discovered" who my oldest sister is!! lol and started to paint a bit.

  Give him this as a gift  tell him

as I said this is just my opinion and without really knowing your situation  I can't give advice and will never tell you that you made a bad choice. Just seek the counsel of people you trust ,look into your heart and what ever you decide will be right for thte 2 of you.       

http://www.browncancercenter.org/CancerResearchers/tabid/115

See this - this is just one of many things that people have talked about on post that they used. Dad takes these sometimes also.  

Cancer Research Through Clinical Trials

Wow, thank you so much, for all the responses.  I am a complete wreck these days and nothing gives me more comfort than to see hopeful messages on here.  

My husband remains in a nursing facility.  He was placed there yesterday.  He is 9 years older than I am (65), which makes him the youngest resident there.  He is hopeful he will have physical therapy to allow him to walk again (he hasn't walked for a month).  I won't tell him he is there to stay. That would kill him faster than the disease.

I will look at the information you sent to me.  Thank you again so much.  

Linda

Hi Linda,

I am sorry for the decision you are faced with. It is very hard to have to make such a big decision while you are as upset as you must be yourself.

I have read through all your responses and a different thought struck me.

I believe everyone has the right to know, to be told the truth and not to be lied to. However I do not think that includes having the truth thrust upon them, however gently or tactfully and lovingly it is done.

Everyone is different, with different needs. Some people will cope with this better with full information and some will prefer not to know. The important thing is that he remains positive, fighting as strongly as he can, and full of hope and faith that he can recover.

Statistics are general - someone has to do better, someone has to do worse, thats how they work. There is no reason why he can't confound his doctors and do much better than predicted. There are loads on this site that have done just that. the point is, will he do it more effectively if you tell him what the doctors have said or if you don't.

This needn't be the dilemma for you that you think it is. He knows he is seriously ill.If he wants to know his prognosis he will ask.If he doesn't ask then he will deal better with the situaltion without knowing.

I truely believe that it is eveyones right to be told the whole truth that they ask for, be they patient or loved one. Trying to protect people by withholding requested knowlege doesn't work. But I also believe that people have the right to deal with things as they choose. His heart will guide him to the way that is right for him.

You know him better than anyone. Whatever you decide to do, your heart will lead you to the right choice.

God Bless,

Sue

No to butt in but I assume you both have read Honest Medicine by Julia Schopick and Cancer 50 Essential things to do

and gone to Burton Berkson MD website in NM and read his stuff...even the Block Center discusses how stage 4 is not alwats a death pending...

DR. Burton Berkson is the go to for the NIJH in liver failure and repair....there are inexpensive "medicines" that can heal such a liver and also the cancer. I use lemons every am...thanks for the site

but I thought you might want to know this stuff also.

S

I hope you have told your husband by now.  It is his life, he needs to know anfd prepare now.  He should be the biggest part of any discussions with docs and  upcoming end stages and preparing a will, living will, power of attorney, etc.  I really don't believe that you are trying to keep this from him.  It is so important!  Tell himimmediately and discuss it with him, you can't just hide itfrom him--it's his life!!

Tyler dx 11/07 gbm (brain cancer)