Friend needed

My husband is in remission after 20 awful months but he has become a different person,always angry and wrapped up in himself. He doesn't talk to me. I am 54 and so need someone who understands to talk through. We are seeing a counsellor but it's not helping. No closeness at all. This is harder than when he was going through treatment

I would love to help a fellow caregiver out!  I too am 54 with a husband who is a 2 year survivor of pancreatic cancer.  Luckily, our relationship hasn't suffered to the degree where he is not speaking to me.  We actually have a good relationship; it's not without it's difficulties, but I certainly have learned alot about personalities when these crisis arrise (ie. it's all about me).

Please feel free to message me anytime, sometimes it's just good to "vent" to people who understand where you are coming from.

Pam

On Jul 05, 2011 12:39 AM shell50 wrote:

My husband is in remission after 20 awful months but he has become a different person,always angry and wrapped up in himself. He doesn't talk to me. I am 54 and so need someone who understands to talk through. We are seeing a counsellor but it's not helping. No closeness at all. This is harder than when he was going through treatment

Hello,

First of all great news about the remission.

It will probably take him a bit of time to get used to the idea that he is actually in remission. The person who has cancer and the family become increasingly aware of mortality at times like this so then from going from the worst news in the world to being told youre in remission is very difficult for all.

My father is the same he will not talk to anyone, including my mam and always thinks the worst. I feel dreadfully guilty sometimes because he frustrates me to the point where I get angry at him. He used to be such a strong, fit caring and sensitive man and he has turned in to an old weak drama queen (as terrible as it sounds) My mother also has cancer and his behaviour is really dragging her down and is affecting her health and recovery.

Everyone has been walking on eggshells around him but yesterday me and my older sister decided to grab the bull by the horns. We went round and told them both how we felt about the situation. They were so wrapped up in themselves they had no idea how much it was affecting us. We are a very close family and always have been until lately.

My advice would be to sit him down and tell him straight. I dont think theres any point tip-toeing around him. He will appreciate your honesty. Ask him what he wants. Tell him how upset you are. I would write it all down first.

Good luck......I hope you end up happy. Life is too short to be miserable.....all of us on cancer compass know that x

You can nessage me anytime..I also would like a firend who is a caregiver..no one seems to understand all that we go through

Hello. My husband was just diagnosed a month ago.

pat

On Mar 25, 2012 8:42 PM patvanduzee wrote:

Hello. My husband was just diagnosed a month ago.

pat

hi am pat. have hubby same as you.

Hi, your husband is a young man that has had his life turned upside down. You are a young woman who has had to watch this terrible occurance. I would guess he fells pretty bad that this has happened. What cancer does he have? Does anyone in his family also have cancer...die from it? What topics are discussed in counselling...Has he looked into life expectency estimates? Would like to talk more after I learn more. My wife has been battling breast cancer for almost 11 years. She is only 57...

he is 85. but hes never been sick. very active. no counseling. what we have learned, we learned on line. no symtoms but pain in back. cat scan showed pancreatic cancer. he taking genzar i v an now going to start tarceva pill.  i am 73 an grieving.

Hi ,

I read your post and I can relate to the feeling of being forgotten as a caregiver, my husband has stage 4 esophageal cancer diagnosed , Dec 2011. He is at his 3rd round of chemo right now as I write this. He is 55 and quite self absorbed. I don't know how I would feel if I had been told I have cancer, but it sure hurts us caregivers. How are you doing now? We are not in counselling yet.. Feel free to speak with me.

I too would welcome the friendship of another caregiver. WE can be travelling a long, lonely and cruel road.

On Jul 05, 2011 12:39 AM shell50 wrote:

My husband is in remission after 20 awful months but he has become a different person,always angry and wrapped up in himself. He doesn't talk to me. I am 54 and so need someone who understands to talk through. We are seeing a counsellor but it's not helping. No closeness at all. This is harder than when he was going through treatment

Hello caregivers,

I was a patient of RCC with mets to the lungs; put on Sutent 50 mg for two and a half years which really hit me hard; mind, body and soul.  I was also told it was uncureble and not operable; and to make my plans.

My darling husband was my caregiver and he constantly tried to reassure me that everything was going to be OK.

I soon realized I could not handle this alone and ask God to help me; prayers were being sent up all over the country.  GOD intervened and I got a new Oncologist, had surgery and have not been on chemo since the month before the surgery, which is a little over two years now.

My blood pressure would go so high every cycle; one day they put me on Celexa for my nerves and it really helped calm me down and see things through different vision.  I think every cancer patient would benefit from this.

When a person goes from being indepentent for such a long time and then to be crushed by cancer and become dependent on their spouses, they can't help but have anxiety and be short tempered because they feel like they are a nuisance and a added burden on their loved ones.

Try to get involved in some project that you can 'ask him for help' on.  Some people like to work puzzles, paint, just anything to keep the hands and mind busy..........and, something to 'share.'

Get them out of the house for an afternoon drive......out to lunch........a trip through the mall, even if it has to be in a wheelchair.  When we don't feel like getting out; the house has a way of closing in on us!

Try inviting friends over for dinner or just an afternoon tea or coffee and some really good conversation about something beside CANCER!

Keep a positive ATTITUDE, both you and your husband.  Stay strong, both mentally and physically.                    Have HOPE and FAITH for better days ahead and a brighter future.

Prayers and blessings for you and your spouse.

B