what to expect

Hi my name is Mary, my mother was told in June 2011 she has stomach cancer.  They did numerous test  and now it is October and they now tell us they can not do anything for her!  She is 84 and is bleeding internally and is in need of a blood transfusion,they tell us her heart is too weak to undergo chimo or surgery. I need to know what to expect, what is coming how sick is she going to be, how much pain she will be in.

I don't have any great insights for you...other than to tell you that my heart goes out to you and your family (and of course your mother).  

Don't give up but also don't force her to fight "your" fight to keep her going.  Let her be the decision maker whenever possible and support her as much as possible.

Keep us posted.

Katherine

The day after  we found out that there was nothing  they could do for her  I spent the day with her.  We laughed, we cried, and we talked alot about how she felted about everything  and she said she was not afraid to die. I told  he good, but I was terriried, she got a chuckle out of that.  when I got home  I sat here and really  thought  about things  and I prayed  and I pray  eveyday  that she does not suffer  does that make me a bad person!!

Mary, I'm so sorry your mother is struggling with this dx.  Can she have the blood transfusion still?  I wonder if a 2nd opinion is an idea you may consider? 

Regarding the 'suffering' question ~ No.  Hoping she doesn't have to suffer in any shape or form means you love her to pieces and want her an easy passage out of this life.  No.  That hope does not make you a "bad person".  Yes.  You said you pray and God does know your heart's desire as well as your mothers'.  Yes.  So wonderful you are both so close and can even find humor and share laughter together...that's medicine in it's own right!

I'm sure there's other survivors here in this group who can share much more and ask you pertinent questions to help you journey through this valley...hang in there..good folks here who really care..you and mum are in my thoughts.

Hi Mary

  My Mom was diagnosed with Lung cancer.  So I dont know if what I say will help.  I hope so.  She had stage 4, and they tried radiation, but was burning her.  Then the oncologist said there was 1 pill he could try and she says "Not if it is the one that made my Daughter so sick"   Which was me, as I had stage 3b breast cancer and had a double mastectomy.  So we went thru it together.  My God she & my family shaved their heads for me when I lost my hair, even tho she was sick.  It came down to Hospice.  And it sounded like what you wrote.  We laughed, we cried and had so so many talks.  Just her and I.  It was a rotten time as far as knowing we were going to loose her.  But all of us kids and Dad rallied and she smiled  so much.  What to expect is her getting weak,  but always tell her you love her.  And that you will survive.  They need to know that.   I cried when I would tell her things and then we'd laugh about dumb litle things.   She got weaker and weaker, and had to have a hospital bed, and then it came to giving her ativan & morphine.  I taped the last time she came to the kitchen table, where She & Dad lived in the housing for the elderly.  I listen to it often and am so glad I taped it.  Hopefully she wont be in any pain if they give her  meds.  But Please and I cant stress enough laugh and cry with her , talk about the older good times.  It helps her and it will help you.  Someone was always by her side.  Even when she slept.  I wish I could tell you its going to be easier than you expect, But it is hard.  But hold on to every precious moment and let her know its ok.  I know she asked my Sister  in law "Carolyn how much longer will it take?"  As her Dad had cancer,  and honestly she never complained about a thing.  Thank God.   She just asked us to watch over Dad, as He needs it.  Please know you have my thoughts & prayers and if you need to Please email me.  It's a process your Mom will have to go through and you will too.  Its something none of us want to have to go through, But somehow you'll do what you have to do and she'll love you even more for it.

  Many Hugs Joyce

On Oct 18, 2011 9:35 PM meakers wrote:

Hi my name is Mary, my mother was told in June 2011 she has stomach cancer.  They did numerous test  and now it is October and they now tell us they can not do anything for her!  She is 84 and is bleeding internally and is in need of a blood transfusion,they tell us her heart is too weak to undergo chimo or surgery. I need to know what to expect, what is coming how sick is she going to be, how much pain she will be in.

Dear Mary,  my heart goes out to you and your mother.  I wish I could tell you what to expect, but that is a question that has been on my mind for the last two months. You see, we have a similar situation.  My mother was diagnosed two months ago with stomach cancer.  Because she is 96 years old, her physician recommended focusing on the quality of the time she has left.  Surgery or chemotheraphy would make her miserable and likely would only extend her life a few months, if at all.  The doctor gave her a prescription to prevent stomach upset.  He said that when she starts losing her appetite, coughing blood, and/or having constant stomach pains, that would be our sign and he would give her prescriptions to ease the pain.  He also suggested that I call a hospice and get her name on the list so if it becomes necessary, the hospice will be ready.  I am very close to my mother: we have lived with each other all my life (yes, she moved in a few months after I got married).  My children adore her and are also, along with me, having difficulty at this time.  I know I should be prepared since she's already 96, but - in all honesty, I am not ready so say goodbye.  Fortunately, she is still in good spirits and does not feel terribly ill, except for a few times here and there.  In fact, a few weeks ago, she mentioned she always wanted to see Chinatown in New York.  So... the kids and I pooled our resources (and charged the rest), and we (mom, wheelchair, myself, and three adult kids) are flying to New York tonight for a four day weekend.  We'll just wheel her around Chinatown for four days, eat, watch peope, etc.  Exactly what she loves to do.  This is a long note, but I wanted to tell you what you already probably know.  Spend plenty of time with her.  Take her out for a ride if she's able; allow her to eat whatever she wants if she asks, watch TV with her, take pictures and videos, etc.  Good bless you, and please write me and let know how you and your mom are doing.

p.s. I forgot to mention, when my mother received her diagnosis and the possible options (chemo/surgery/nothing), the family told her we would support whatever she wanted.  It was her final decision not to have any intervention. 

Yes it is her decision and no matter wat it is, we have to respect that.  I wish I could help more. Bless you and try to be as astrong as you can.