But whether that's good or bad isn't yet clear
by JulesAnn on Sat Jan 28, 2012 10:11 AM
Hello I used to be on here by the name of Jewels. My husband is Wesley. I lost him December 7, 2011, this this horrible cancer. I am so withdrawn and really to not want to talk at this time. Just thought I would post. I wish it was a good post to say something positive. The lose is enormous. To all that have a loved one with this cancer, cherish every moment, I took care of my husband for 9 months. That is all he lasted. I miss him so much and I want him back so bad. To all that are caregivers, this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The doctors, nurses, all medical staff could not believe all I did for him. I would do it all over again just to have him back. I am so devastated. I wish good will to all on here. I know most is not good news on here. So sad. Never thought this is what my poor husband had to endure. I will try and talk more at a later date.
by Rncruiser on Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:19 PM
by forhim1122 on Sat Jan 28, 2012 03:12 PM
by JulesAnn on Sat Jan 28, 2012 04:12 PM
On Jan 28, 2012 12:19 PM Rncruiser wrote: I am so sorry for your loss. You will find the strength to get through this but it will take time. Grief can be all consuming. a bereavement group may help but only when you are ready. take care of yourself.
On Jan 28, 2012 12:19 PM Rncruiser wrote:
Thank you for the kind words. I am in counseling now, but I believe a group as you mentioned could do me some good. I have been thinking about it, I know there are others out there suffering too. Thanks again. Much appreciated,
by JulesAnn on Sat Jan 28, 2012 04:13 PM
I wanted to say thank you for the kind words. I am in counsesling. Thanks again very much appreciated.
by heart_and_soul on Sat Jan 28, 2012 07:15 PM
Jules I'm always here for you. There's just no getting over the sorrow. YOu know where to find me through FB and the GBM group there, right? Love, Sarah
by JackieJo on Sat Jan 28, 2012 09:28 PM
Hi Jewels... My heart goes out to you. Cancer is such a horrific disease. I lost my 58 year old husband Joe to cancer 6 months ago after a 9 month battle with esophageal cancer with mets to the liver and lymph nodes. Out of his 9 month battle he had a few trips to the ER with one admission plus his cancer got to the point where he couldn't even swallow his saliva or any food at all. In April they put a stent in to open up his esophagus so that he could eat and drink again. It was not a cure but a comfort measure. His suffering was unbelievable but he never complained. He was trying to protect us and kept his thoughts and fears to himself but I could see it in his eyes. His whole 9 month battle with this monster was filled with horrific suffering and pain. It haunts me that he didn't tell me all that he was thinking and what his fears were. I wanted so bad to be able to help him even if it was just to discuss what was going on inside him. 10 days before he passed away we got home hospice on board. I only wanted them to come out for a short time a couple of days a week to do his vitals and have them talk to Joe in case there was something going on that he didn't want me to know. Like you, I wanted to take complete care of him day and night. I wanted to savor each and every second of the time we had left together. Hospice understood and were so helpful. I'm so thankful that Joe passed away in his own home. If nothing else about this horrible cancer journey I take comfort that he died with me by his side at home. He passed away quickly on July 21, 2011 @ 5:15 AM. It happened so fast that when I realized what was happening I called our children to tell them to get here ASAP. Sadly Joe passed about 5 minutes before the family arrived. We had 2.5 hours with him after he passed to say our goodbyes and tell him how much we loved him before the funeral home arrived. My children and I are so grateful for that time alone with Joe even though he was already in Gods beautiful kingdom. I'm so happy that you are getting grief counseling. It won't take the pain of having to go on without your beloved Wesley away... but it will help you to understand the grieving process and what to expect and how to cope in the difficult time ahead. I bought some books on grieving which also help me to understand that everything I'm thinking and feeling is normal after the loss of a loved one. When Joe first passed away I honestly thought I was going crazy...sometimes I still do...but in speaking with a grief counselor and reading the books so far everything I'm going through is normal. A lot of my comfort comes from the wonderful people I've met here on CC. They fully understand because sadly they have had to endure the loss of a loved one too. CC is my lifeline. Please sign in often. You will find plenty of help and understanding from the beautiful people on CC. They really care and want to help. None of us ever thought that our loved ones would have to endure all the pain and suffering that cancer brings with it. I pray daily for all of us here and also that a cure will be found for cancer this year so that no one will ever have to go through the nightmare we have been through. I too loved Joe so much and wish I could have him back home with me. He was my soul mate and the love of my life. I am holding you close to my heart and in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers
by JulesAnn on Sun Jan 29, 2012 11:12 AM
Hi JackieJo: I am so sorry to hear your story. So sad. My husband was pretty private too and did not want to talk about his sickness. I just knew he was so scared. He went through all the anxieites related to this brain tumor. He was taken by ambulance so many times I cannot count them to the ER. He suffered horribly. I was not fortunate to have him at home with me but I spent the his last eight days in the hospital and after he passed I got in bed with him. His poor body hurt if he was touched or moved so I waited until he passed, then I layed in bed with him and I actually feel asleep for two hours with him. I made sure he was comfortable as could be. He was given pain meds often and anxiety medication too. He deserved to be comfortable. His last two days he slept and died in his sleep. It was so horrible to watch. My heart goes out to you. I too feel like I am going crazy at times. Really had a bad day yesterday. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest from all the grieving and pain that I do not have him anymore. Thank you for taking the time out of ur daily routine to write. I really appreciate it so much. I will try and stay in contact, I feel so withdrawn right now. Take care
by CarmensWife on Sun Jan 29, 2012 05:08 PM
Jules and jackie Jo,
I also lost my 54 year old husband to a brain tumor on July 25th 2011 at 7am. at home.
I know what you mean about going crazy, or feeling like it. sometimes I feel like Im on the brink and can talk myself out of it. Then Im ok for a bit. i read in one of my many grief boos that when something this horrific happens you want to cling to your husband and just say.. do you believe this is happeneing? and its him that it happened too. such a void.. wow that is an undertstatement.. Im sad most times some times im angry, i have found myself looking to the heavens when things arent going well and saying, out loud. HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME WITH THIS MESS! 6 KIDS who need 2 parents, not just me who is falling apart because you left us! then the guilt I feel for blamming him. Oh Gosh, what a vicious circle... Then another day, I feel good, in control. like I CAN DO THIS.. then night time comes, and Im so alone, i could just curl up and die. Alot of my grief comes from the times he is missing here, as a healthy him. or what is coming in the futire, all that he will miss. Just so confusing. cancer sucks. Just lost my daughter's godmother and great friend on monday to throat cancer she was 49, Im attempting to help her husband, my husbands best friend! we just got through the week of her service planning, and funeral yesterday, it almost felt like going through it all over again with my husband. Im in group therapy, " early endings" and i see a counselor, along with my children, hospice still comes here now monthly for grief counceling. i found my 16 year old son, laying on is bedroom floor last weekend, just sobbing, saying " I need to ask daddy a question" dear Lord, My heart fell from my chest.
Jules, your not alone sweetie. your not going crazy. its just an unimaginable loss. Good God it takes time. 6 months here and i can say, I do breath a teeny bit easier. I swear.
always here if you want to talk, or cry. in box me if you want my number jule or jackie
Thinking of you, and praying hard.
Linda/ wife of Carmen 10-8-56 born//dx 09-05-08//passed 07-25-2011// forever in our heart!!!
by JulesAnn on Sun Jan 29, 2012 07:31 PM
OMG Linda! I am so glad you found me. During the summer months I read all your posts. All of them!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart poored out to you! U seem such like a wonderful lady and boy would I love to meet you. I remember you mentioning a stranger came out to be with you when your husband passed. I do not know if I even posted anything to you but felt your pain and wondered when I was reading your posts on here how long my husband had left in this world. OMG I am so so sorry if I did not write to you back then. I think I was in total shock through all of this when he was sick and in a strange way Wes made me strong, so strong that I did everything possible that I could for him and to make his life easier. I swear I thought I was going to die first at times because I was so exhausted and in pain. I have a chronic pain condition so this was extremely hard on me but u know what I loved him so so much that it was ok and I did let him know when he made messes I told him honey don't worry about it, I can take care of it. I tried my best to make him feel loved and not alone. Oh I am crying right now cause I feel so alone at times. I am so glad you wrote to me. I feel a real closeness to you Linda I really do.
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