dealing with the reality of not knowing

Hello! I haven't posted in awhile. I some how find myself posting here every now and then. It seems nobody understands what I'm going through and the times that I feel like my normal self are few. Brief history...my mom was diagnosed in 2008 with stage 3 colon cancer. My dad passed away with gastric cancer in 2006 but he wasn't living with me and let's just say I wasn't close to him. I was with him when he passed away. I was hurt and had so many regrets, but my mom is my world. I have seen her go through a heart attach, stroke and now cancer. She always bounces back. I admire her strength. We started hospice in July and I really didn't think she would make it. She is weak, can't hardly walk, doesn't eat much (mostly ensure). I took a leave from work since November. I enjoyed our time together and to be honest couldn't manage finding balance between work, caring for my mom, and my 12 year old daughter. I have put my relationship on hold and am blessed to have an understanding boyfriend. I dealt with all my stages of pre grieving and feel like I am stronger and battled a horrible depression during the holidays. Now I'm just overwhelmed and trying to keep with that I will get through this and be the best caregiver that I can be. Hospice took some getting used to and I feel fortunate to be providing care at my home. It's just hard because I don't want to make this about me or complain how tired I am or that my sibling is not involved as much as I would like.MI just feel anxious to know and understand what happens next. she can barely walk, seems confused at times, and today everything she tried to eat she throws up. She seems restless and agitated so they prescribed Ativan. I guess my stress is not knowing when/ how this will happen. I just pray that I'm able to still maintain patience and help as much as I can. just feeling so weak and tired.

Hi  Tricias  I remember the not knowing what would happen next and the exhaustion while I was caring for my husband. The rest of the world seemed to go on normally while we were busy just trying to make it through each day and whatever it brought.

I am glad you were able to take a leave from work. Thankfully I got the lay off notice from my job 3 months before Phil was correctly diagnosed as I know I would have tried to work and take care of him and that would have been impossible.

There is anticipatory grief as you know. I wish I could say it prepared me for his actual passing. But even being a hospice nurse for 18 yrs frankly didn't help when it occured.

 YOU will get through this because you have to. Some people will be there for you though many who don't get it because they have not been there themselves will say or do the wrong things. We will be here. hugs, Irene

thank you for your kind words and understanding. Yes it amazes me how some don't understand why I put myself through this. I hate those words. especially when they come from my own brother. My mom is now in her last stages and so far the pain is controlled. I still pray with her even though at times she doesn't respond. She seems so peaceful through this process. I love it when it is peaceful. I have to learn to be patient and I understand some may not understand hospice and the dying process. I just am glad that besides honoring my mother's requests I am also able to be there for her.

I wish I had found your post earlier. While I was taking care of my mom for the 3 months before she passed I felt like nobody understood. I knew I didn't have much time left with her and since I didn't know how much I didn't want to waste any of it. she passed on May 9th...I saw her take her last breath. I remember the one time that I spent a few hours away from her since the family said it was unhealthy not to take a break. My finance took me to an Angels baseball game and I couldn't even enjoy the game. I remember looking around and feeling angry that so many people could be happy and enjoy themselves while my mom was dying and the world didn't seem right.