But whether that's good or bad isn't yet clear
by eastwest on Mon Feb 27, 2012 08:19 PM
Hi Friends Ever work on a jigsaw puzzle? You think you may have finally found that piece for a hole and then as you turn it something just doesn't match. Sort of the way I felt this weekend. Friday I went to a fish fry at my church and sat with a young woman and I really had a nice time. I got home and called my older son to let him know. I figured he needs to hear from me when I have some up moments. Got off the phone and that empty feeling struck me anew. Then Sunday the group I've been going to breakfast with several weeks sort of didn't happen or happened after I left and I am just not confident to say, "Hey is anyone going to breakfast this morning?" In past years I had confidence. I even had it while I was taking care of Phil. I think I am a puzzle piece mixed up in the wrong puzzle box now. Irene
by Crowell on Mon Feb 27, 2012 08:38 PM
by JackieJo on Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:39 AM
Hi Irene...I honestly do understand how you're feeling. I'm sure most of us here do. I too have no confidence...none at all since Joe's death. You description of feeling like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit the puzzle is right on. I had so much confidence before Joe died and now I question everything I do. I thought I was doing better up until a couple of weeks ago when I back stepped into crying at the drop of a hat. My life is a mixture of good moments that turn into bad moments without any warning. I think I'm going crazy. I was all excited when my granddaughter Taylor told me she was stopping by today. It felt like it was going to be a good day for me. Within 5 minutes after Taylor left the bottom of my good day fell out. I've been teary ever since. Whats wrong with me??? I've hesitated to even post on CC lately...even though I sign on daily to see how everyone is coping. .. because I'm so down and don't want to bring anyone else down with me. Then I saw your post and felt that I needed to let you know that you're not alone. How I wish we lived closer or that we could get a group of CC people together and meet somewhere to have a weekend bereavement discussion. No one else understands what we are going through. If they haven't experienced the nightmare/ rollercoaster ride/helpness of cancer they just can't even begin to fathom the feelings of devastation we feel. I can honestly say that I never could understand it until it happened to me and my family. I wish that there was something that I could do to help all of us heal but there is nothing. I can't stand the way that I'm feeling but there is nothing short of Joe coming back to earth that can help me return to my old happy go lucky self. Its going to be a long hard road. I will never get over Joe's passing but I just want to be able to cope better with my emotions. That doesn't mean that I want to forget Joe because that will never happen. I just want to feel somewhat normal again. The only thing that I know for sure right now is that I will never date again. No one can ever replace Joe in my heart so why bother. Please know that I'm keeping you and every one walking in our shoes close to my heart and in my prayers.
Love, hugs and prayers
by eastwest on Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:43 PM
Thank you for sharing your feelings about going through your treatments. I witnessed that braveness in my husband Phil and everyone at the cancer treatment center I saw. After being married for over 40 years I am finding it difficult to learn how to live this life alone without him. I want to be as brave about it as Phil was living through his last year and a half. Losing my job and then losing my husband has really left me drifting. Irene
by eastwest on Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:59 PM
Hi JackieJo The emotional rollercoaster...I had a good evening last Friday at a church fish fry. But by the time I got home the smile left, replaced by the tears of Phil being gone.
I have one friend that I can barely speak to any longer because she thinks I should be just about over this grief. She has no clue. I really don't feel that I have anything in common with her now. So there is another loss. Sharing here with my fellow travelers is at least a balm to this ache. Friends who understand. And i wish none of us were here.
As you with Joe, I know no one will ever replace Phil. If there ever comes a time to date, well it will have to be up to Phil(the universe or God) to find that person and bring that person into my life. Frankly right now I can't imagine that though apparently Phil had several weeks before he died because he spoke of it to our older son Scott, to make sure it was someone who was kind and loving. Even through all his distress he was thinking about me.
I wish we lived closer too. Thank you for being here. hugs Irene
by sanjim on Tue Feb 28, 2012 01:36 PM
Hi all,For the past few weeks I think I have been doing better, I have not been crying nearlly as much. I think that I am just getting better at hiding my feelings. I still hurt so much I fwwl like there is a big hole in my heart, but I usually put on that happy face and go on, Now I am very concerned about my week ahead, My Aunt died last week I am going her funeral., and it will be a year since Jim passed on, I am praying that God will give me the strenth to get through this week, Thank you all for sharing. It would be nice If we could get together for coffee, Sandra
by eastwest on Tue Feb 28, 2012 08:47 PM
Hi Sandra I'm so sorry you've lost your aunt. Just take this week one moment at a time. I'll be sending kind thoughts your way.
You know the saying street angel/house devil? I am the street smiler/ house crier. But we have gotten through all these dark months and we just have to keep on keeping on together. Irene
by crayfish on Wed Feb 29, 2012 12:09 AM
I lost my Michael Dec. 9th. I sent an e-mail to JackieJo as her guy had esoph too. Beat it twice actually, but mets to the brain got him. I've never "announced" it on here - so many on here have this cancer, it seems, and though not common I don't want any of them to start worrying about it happening to them. I'll sneak it in here because I so want you to know - I know. My God it hurts. So painful I am spooked by the noises that come out of my own mouth. I've never made these sounds before. Sheer horror, I guess.
I, too, was so on the ball while Michael was sick - taking care of everything and now I just quiver at the thought of having to do things - like the taxes, getting the car tuned-up, etc. My very kind brother-in-law talked with me one day and got me to verbalize that while my confidence is definately shaky now, I'm also scared all the time. And that I'm not so scared that I can't do things anymore, I'm scared that something bad will be the result. I'll owe a bunch of money on my taxes, my car will need expensive work done. I put a negative outcome on everything. There is nothing that could happen to me that would be worse than losing Michael - this piddley earth stuff should bounce right off me. I'm working on it - praying on it.
Ha - I'm procrastinating some things now by stopping to write this. Feels right though. I could write and you would understand. Next time maybe "smothering sisters" or "why on earth did all these people think they should send me a Valentine?" (I know - they love me)
You are all in my prayers -
by JackieJo on Wed Feb 29, 2012 02:05 AM
My heart goes out to you and to all of us here. I wish that there was something that I could do to take our pain away. I hate feeling the way that I do. I'm sure you can relate. What scares me is that I'm afraid that I'll feel like this forever. That would be pure hell. Cancer not only takes our loved ones from us but it destroys those if us left behind. I wish I knew how to move forward but as yet I haven't figured out how to do that. Joe was my life, my reason for being, my sunshine, my soul mate and my one and only true love. How does one ever heal after losing the person who means every thing to them. I'm so haunted by what Joe went through during his 9 month cancer journey. To see him fade away and suffer was something I will never forget. It was and still is a never ending nightmare. A friend of mine lost her husband...age 61...yesterday to a sudden heart attack in his office at work. He had passed away quite a while before anyone found him. For a split second I thought to myself "at least he went quickly and didn't suffer like cancer patients do". When I realized what I was thinking I was so shocked. How could I even think something like that!!! I feel so guilty!! Has cancer made me so bitter/crazy that I would think like that? There is no easy way to lose a husband or loved one rather it be sudden or not. I cry for my friend that lost her husband yesterday and I cry for all of us that are dealing with our losses. I'm praying for us to be able to find comfort in the fact that someday we will be reunited with our husbands in heaven...it's just so damn lonely here on earth without them.
Love and Prayers
by eastwest on Wed Feb 29, 2012 09:35 PM
Hi JackieJo I understand feeling "at least he went quickly." It is a shock to those left behind but they were also not losing their loved one a piece at a time the way have for months or years. I am not saying it is better. So please, I hope no one takes offense. It's Just different.
There was so much anticipatory grief and I think those who lost a loved one quickly think we were luckier knowing to treasure that borrowed time. That we were prepared for our loved one to die. We know that isn't true but they don't. Broken hearts either way. But I also feel we had been grieving a lot sooner than the actual date of death. Irene
When you track a discussion, you will get notified by e-mail if anyone else posts a new message on this discussion. Are you sure you want to track this discussion?
If you stop tracking this discussion, you will no longer get notified by e-mail if anyone else posts a new message on this discussion. Are you sure you want to stop tracking this discussion?
We care about your feedback. Let us know how we can improve your CancerCompass experience.