Frustrated With Family

I am the daughter in law, my mother in law has stomach, spleen and partial pancreas cancer. I have been her primary caregiver. I am completely frustrated with her children. They are unwilling or unable to do anything for her. They only step up when I completely withdraw, or am unavailable to do whatever she needs. She love me very much and I love her, but she isn't my mother. I am unsure what to do, a therapist told me to do 1/3 of the work she needs done, with mine being the last third after her children do their part. But they wont. She is dying and I feel like I am abandoning her in her time of need. HELP!! any comments are welcome. Thank you!!!

I too am looking after my mother-in-law in our home. She moved in with us due to failing health four years ago. She was only recently diagnosed with metastatic colorectal cancer. We have the same problems with family not being involved in her care. She is a very difficult person but she doesn't have much longer on this earth. You would think either of the other sons would want to mend fences or make an honest effort to make an adult relationship with their mother but it doesn't seem to be the case. I suggest that you could contact a local community social services group or service and see what adult programs are available. If her spouse was involved in the armed forces, see if she is entitled to some services or monies. That could help offset costs for programs, although they are usually non profit or cost very little. Getting her out is imperative. She needs to talk to others of her peer group and socialize with others. It will give you some "down time" to refresh and recharge. It will give her contact with others not of her family to vent with and encourage her. Look into short term respite care at local long term care facilities, hospices or hospitals. A week can make a whole lot of difference in your emotional and physical health. It is worth it. Who will she have if you get sick from exhaustion? Do not expect any family member not already involved, to be interested in the daily grind of caregiving. Just wait, they will pop up out of the woodwork when the situation comes near to its end and be there to criticize and make useless suggestions. It's their guilt that will make them so difficult. Keep your faith and resolve strong; you are doing a task that sets you apart from most of society. It is the right thing to do. But be prepared and be honest with yourself if it ever becomes too much for you to take on at home. Caregiving can take so much out of you in a steady, constant manner that you won't know that you are at the end of your rope until its too late. Keep your relationship with your mother-in-law healthy and know when its time to move on to another phase of her care. You and your husband need each other for solace and love; don't lose sight of your future. You aren't alone, we, the caregivers of the infirm and elderly stand behind you. I hear you and feel your frustration and isolation, its endemic to the task. About all else, take care of you and yours.

 

On 8/18/2006 Frustrateddaughter I-l wrote:

I am the daughter in law, my mother in law has stomach, spleen and partial pancreas cancer. I have been her primary caregiver. I am completely frustrated with her children. They are unwilling or unable to do anything for her. They only step up when I completely withdraw, or am unavailable to do whatever she needs. She love me very much and I love her, but she isn't my mother. I am unsure what to do, a therapist told me to do 1/3 of the work she needs done, with mine being the last third after her children do their part. But they wont. She is dying and I feel like I am abandoning her in her time of need. HELP!! any comments are welcome. Thank you!!!

I am having the same situation only it's my Mom.  My mother was sent home two weeks ago to die from gall bladder cancer.  She requires skilled nursing care and her insurance only covers 20 days and she wanted to go home to die. 

 My kid brother (30 years old), and my two daughters stepped up and said that they'd each take a day/night and help care for her.  I hired a private duty nurse to stay with Mom while I was at work.  Well on Dec. 5th I moved her home and since that time - ONCE my daughter spent the night with my Mom.  All I want to do is go home, my home and spend time with my husband and everyone is too busy.  My kid brother has stopped by twice for about an hour and now informs me that he's busy on Christmas so he'll only spend an hour or so with Mom.  I'm tired, very very tired and the entire family has faded into oblivion.  I have an older sister who says that her health is too bad to care for Mom.

What happens to those poor people that has no one to care for them.  And how do the caregivers survive this?  I'm torn, I want to be there for my Mom but I feel totally abandoned.

To top it all off, yesterday hospice informed me that they were revoking my mom because she's having a parenteisis (sp?) weekly to remove the fluid from her abdominal cavity and it's delaying the inevitable and not palliative care.

Hang in there.  It just helps to know you aren't truly alone.
Kathy
Oklahoma