My abusive alcoholic husband with stage four brain cancer

 I have been estranged from him for a while, due to the severe injuries he has caused me and my children. I recently found out that the doctors give him perhaps 6 months to live. He has gilo blastoma stage four brain cancer. Does this mean he will die soon? Are the doctors accurate in there diagnossis?  I have severe mixed feelings, I am sad no one deserves this. I am also looking forward to not living in fear any more after 1o yrs of being abused. Any help with this moral conflict? or any thoughts on this?

On Mar 18, 2012 10:49 PM dutchess2700 wrote:

 I have been estranged from him for a while, due to the severe injuries he has caused me and my children. I recently found out that the doctors give him perhaps 6 months to live. He has gilo blastoma stage four brain cancer. Does this mean he will die soon? Are the doctors accurate in there diagnossis?  I have severe mixed feelings, I am sad no one deserves this. I am also looking forward to not living in fear any more after 1o yrs of being abused. Any help with this moral conflict? or any thoughts on this?

Hi

The diagnossis can be wrong. Factors are diffrent with diffrent people. He could die soon,or may live on for a time. The moral thing to do may be to try to patch things up before he dies. Only this if you will not get hurt. I would have someone there with you. If you do try, and things do not work, you can look back on and say to yourself that you tried everything. Again please make sure someone is there with and for you.

Good luck,

L

Are  you kidding me!! I can`t believe that someone suggested that the "moral" thing would be to try and patch things up. You have an obligation to your children now, especially since you mentioned that he had caused severe injuries..GBM is a tragedy for sure but he may very well live for several years or more. My father was an alcoholic and was abusive verbally and physically. Back in the day, women didn`t have the choices that are now available. My four siblings and I have fought long and hard to overcome the memories of our mother and each other being abused.

You are right about nobody deserving to be diagnosed with GBM. However, I think maybe the "severe" mixed feelings are just another part of the dysfunctional relationship that you have escaped from..You made a very brave decision when deciding to leave this abuser. Please stick to it..for the childrens sake if not your own..

Good luck...Adonna    sister of Marilyn dx GBM 7/27/09  died 12/21/09

On Mar 18, 2012 10:49 PM dutchess2700 wrote:

 I have been estranged from him for a while, due to the severe injuries he has caused me and my children. I recently found out that the doctors give him perhaps 6 months to live. He has gilo blastoma stage four brain cancer. Does this mean he will die soon? Are the doctors accurate in there diagnossis?  I have severe mixed feelings, I am sad no one deserves this. I am also looking forward to not living in fear any more after 1o yrs of being abused. Any help with this moral conflict? or any thoughts on this?

Hi, I'm sorry you have been involved in such a terrible marriage.  No man, or woman, has the right to be abusive to a spouse or child.

My Dad was a heavy drinker when I was a child and his verbally abusie rants when he was drunk left me with some mental scars; although they were not directed to me.

I am Renal Cell cancer and even as bad as it is; I would think Brain Cancer is worse.  How much time your husband has, no one knows; only the Lord.

I feel sure he is not only scared and hurting, but also lonely.

This call is for you to make.  Under the circumstances, I don't feel it is your moral obligation to move back in with him for more of the same treatment.

Could it be arranged for you and the children to meet with him somewhere under supervision?  Let him know that you are sorry he is sick and hurting and that you hope he gets better.  Tell him you are sorry that because of the past abuse you cannot go back to him.

Tell him to stay strong, positive, have hope, faith and look to better days ahead.  This goes for you also.  God is awesome, he is powerful, caring and loving, and he hears our cries for help.  Trust Him to remove your fears so that you can be strong and positive for yourself and your children.

Prayers and blessings,

B

Dutchess,

The disease in all of us will run it's course "brain cancer". As for the time it takes it is so different for all of us. You are right that no one deserves this but......Your concern should be for the safety of your children and you. 10yrs is 10yrs to many of being abused..........

HOPE

Damon

Dx Nov 07

I agree. I would say that you can forgive him for what he's done and set yourself free of those feelings and go on with your life, but you don't need to do that face to face. Good luck.

I have a protection order in place and do not want contact other than in court with a victims impact statement. Up untill a couple of months ago he was threatening to kill me. Now I am afraid this illness will send him over the edge with his suicide pact he has promised for so many years. I am still very afraid of him, however I have guilty feelings thinking what a relief life will be without him. He has a chance to see the kids at a family safety center under extreme supervision but he has not bothered to show up at any of the requests for visits he has made. He is still trying to have some sort of control by making these appointments and then not showing up or calling to cancel them. We still have a few court issues or dates ahead of us. Today I have to take a court order to the sheriffs dept. so that he will spend 5 days in jail for the 12,000 dollar child support arrears. He quit paying that way before he knew he was sick. He owns a buisness that he gets profit from even if he is not working, so he could pay. Every month by the 15th or later I have to request the court order be inforced so that the children and I get our child support. Every month if he does not pay he spends 5 days in jail. He is also wearing a alcohol monitoring device on his leg for 6 months for assaulting me and leaving me with 38 injuries while he was drunk of course.This is hard making someone who is dying pay for some of the horrible things he did in his last months or whatever the doctors have said 6 months. Thanks for understanding and replying, I feel that not too many people understand this situation.

On Mar 19, 2012 1:54 PM dutchess2700 wrote:

I have a protection order in place and do not want contact other than in court with a victims impact statement. Up untill a couple of months ago he was threatening to kill me. Now I am afraid this illness will send him over the edge with his suicide pact he has promised for so many years. I am still very afraid of him, however I have guilty feelings thinking what a relief life will be without him. He has a chance to see the kids at a family safety center under extreme supervision but he has not bothered to show up at any of the requests for visits he has made. He is still trying to have some sort of control by making these appointments and then not showing up or calling to cancel them. We still have a few court issues or dates ahead of us. Today I have to take a court order to the sheriffs dept. so that he will spend 5 days in jail for the 12,000 dollar child support arrears. He quit paying that way before he knew he was sick. He owns a buisness that he gets profit from even if he is not working, so he could pay. Every month by the 15th or later I have to request the court order be inforced so that the children and I get our child support. Every month if he does not pay he spends 5 days in jail. He is also wearing a alcohol monitoring device on his leg for 6 months for assaulting me and leaving me with 38 injuries while he was drunk of course.This "" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://course.This " target="_blank" rel="nofollow">course.This is hard making someone who is dying pay for some of the horrible things he did in his last months or whatever the doctors have said 6 months. Thanks for understanding and replying, I feel that not too many people understand this situation.

Being a victim of abuse myself, I tried to make peace with my uncle. The only thing that saved his life was the intervention of my mother because my dad was going to kill him for what he did to me. I meet up with my uncle shortly before he died; again I felt a moral obligation to try to straighten things out. At that point, he could no longer hurt me. I could defend myself. I found out I really did not care for him, and this gave me peace. Again every situation is different, and if you or the children feel as if you are going to be hurt, stay away. I am sorry if my first post may have misled you.

Larry

Oh, What you are feeling is what a whole lot of abused women feel after finally being free from their abuser.  You've had 10 years of his mental abuse as well.  It will take a long time to not feel guilty.  Maybe you should be seeing a counselor and talking this out there.  What you are feeling is normal.  BUT, you have got to stay away.  Yes, it's sad he has cancer.  But no doctor can give you a time when he will pass.  AND, you have an order in place, and he has threatened to kill you both, STAY AWAY and don't think of him anymore.  Do your court things, and watch out when you have the visitations.  I'm sure you've heard of the man who killed himself and his 2 sons during a supervised visitation while he seperated the kids from the supervisor.  BE CAREFUL.  With him having a brain tumor, you don't know what the heck kind of thoughts are going through his head.  But, please discuss this with a therapist.  You NEED to being seeing one, and not relying on us here to give you advice.  A therapist knows exactly what you are going through, and what you should do.  A therapists will also speed your recovery from the nightmare you've been living.  Do it for your children.   Do it for yourself.  Please!!  And, stay away from the ex.  Don't even allow yourself to feel guilt.  And let me tell you.  I totally understand exactly what you are going through.  And don't fool yourself that no one understands.  There are more women than you realize that have gone through this.  Stand up, get to a therapist, and stay away from him, no matter what.  It's his road to travel now, not yours.  Don't find an excuse to go back.  Stay strong, and please talk this out with a therapist.  I understand!!!!