My abusive alcoholic husband with stage four brain cancer

On Jun 29, 2012 1:34 PM oligo wrote:

it's possible God is giving both of you a wake-up call because he loves us so much.  the only advice i can give is, keep praying, have you tried al-anoon?

good luck

I fail to understand your post.  I am a Christian and pray for everyone, patients and caregivers, who are dealing with cancer on a daily basis and I often encourage others to deal with their trials through prayer.  But HOW do you determine that God is giving BOTH of them a wake-up call - or I should say, giving her a wake up call?  AND why should SHE try alanon?  She doesn't have the drinking problem - he does - AND she is not living with anyone who has a drinking problem because they are separated and have been for some time.  This man has beaten her so badly before being diagnosed with brain cancer that she was granted a five year order of protection.  Do you know what kind of abuse has to be "proven" before anyone would be given an order of protection, let alone a FIVE YEAR order of protection?  We are talking life threatening.  I have first hand experience with the justice system and domestic violence both as a victim and as a domestic violence counselor so I know this to be true.  Right now her first priority is protecting herself and her children - which she is doing.  An abuser's mind works differently than the "average" person to begin with - now add in having brain cancer and you have a very volatile (and possible deadly) situation. 

God may be giving him a wake-up call but she cannot take a chance that her estranged spouse has gotten the message.  She has done everything correctly and the best thing that we can all do is continue to pray that God watches over her and her children - that He keeps them safe in the days ahead.   

Diana

Amen, Diana. A lot of people who read this post seem to be laboring under the misapprehension that the original poster still has some relationship with the abusive ex, outside of court that is. Or for some reason wants to have one.

It takes alot of evidence for the court to grant a permenant protection order. It took half a dozen police reports, witnesses and medical records. That proved abuse beyond a reasonable doubt so I could have full custody of the children and the permenant order put in place. April before last was when I left. I took the kids and packed what I could fit in the car. I had more abuse in that last week we were together than I could take. "Jim" tried to smother me with a pillow twice, raped me and that same night he was so drunk he fell down the stairs. I was praying that he had broke his neck and would not get up. I was curled up in the fetal postion on my couch hugging a pillow when I heard the violent crash down the stairs and I did not move, I just clutched the pillow tighter. I stayed there for about an hour that way, with my mind racing all these thoughts and then I heard him stomping back up the stairs my heart just dropped. I knew he was going to kill me if i did not do anything to stop this was only getting way worse dailey. After I left I went to a friends house waiting for the protection order to be served to him. Jim called the police dept on me and told them I was a whore and ran off with some gie he had caught me sleeping with and took his kids and they were in danger. Well at this point Jim is already a familiar name and address to the police dept, so they called me and came and checked on me and the kids. The officer noted I had alot of injuries and said this is an ongoing problem isnt it? I said yes that is why I have left. The officer wanted to take me to the hospitol for my injuries, I just thought I had a few big bruises. I was pretty use to being injured and this just did not seem like a big deal. I went to the hospitol with the officer and had a rape exam done. I had vaginal tears, rectal bruising and 38 other injuries. They went and arrested him right away, granted me the order and the pd and the courts have been in my favor ever since. That was my wake up call, I want to be around for my kids and make sure they dont have to go though what i did. I really appreciate everyones support and ongoing replys, everything helps thank you. mel

Mel -

I am so sorry that you had to go through describing the abuse because you felt you had to explain your "wake-up call".  Sweetie, the only thing you HAVE to do now is take care of yourself and your children.  You are dealing with cancer - in a very different way than most on here - and our group cares very much about what happens to you.  Your feelings after the abuse incident - and after hearing of his diagnosis - are perfectly normal feelings.  The best way to prevent your children from experiencing this behavior is to teach them it is wrong - which is exactly what you did when you left their father.  You are in my thoughts and prayers often.

Diana