Emotionally Pulling Away

My husband of 7 years has been diagnosed with colon cancer for the 3rd time. Most of his lower intestines have been removed; he is a double ostomoy patient. He will be 35 in September. It is in his lungs now, although technically it is still colon cancer. Since there are 8-10 spots that they know of, it is inoperable this time. There will not be a cure. He is in the middle of a 6-month chemotherapy course (Erbitux and Camptosar) to try to slow things down. There is no way for anyone to know exactly how long he will live.

From what he has seen, the oncologist said, "best case scenario, two years."
We have a 6-year-old daughter. She knows something is going on, but I see no point in telling her he is dying until the end becomes more imminent. Since his first diagnosis was when she was an infant, she is quite used to him being in the hospital on and off, going for many doctor visits, and taking lots of medicine. It is the norm as far as she knows.

My problem is I've already begun to emotionally and physically detach myself from him. I cry my eyes out almost daily, but I don't like to do it in front of him. I am so beyond devastated, I can't even put it into words. I find myself wishing he could just go quickly so I could try to put my life back together and move on. The thought of watching him slowly slip away is gut-wrenching. Much of the time I don't want him to come near me in a physical sense. Is this normal? I love him more than life itself, and our daughter thinks he hung the moon. He has been a model patient from day one; he has never complained once. He is an extremely brave man; very well-liked at home, at work, and in our community. He has a heart of gold. The thought of losing this person who is larger than life in my world is too much to comprehend.

Is emotional and physical detachment part of the grieving (or pre-grieving) process? Has anyone else felt this way? I know I am hurting him by not wanting him to touch ne. He can tell I'm not "here," and is having a hard time understanding my behavior.

Does anyone have any input or advice? Thank you for listening.

It is very important that you seek help in dealing with your husband's diagnosis. A Licensed Clinical Social Worker that specialized in chronic illness or grief counseling should be able to help you deal with these feelings. It is very important to remember that your husband is the one who is dying. He needs you. Although a part of you will die with him, you are both alive now, and you need help in learning to live until this disease takes his life. He needs you and your emotional support now more than ever because of what he is facing...the end of his life. You don't want to look back and wish that you had consulted someone to help you with these feelings. Contact your physician for help or referral to help you cope and to help you make the most of the time your family has together. Best wishes!

Good Afternoon,



How are you doing today? Remember, you must take it one day at a time. My husband is somewhat on the last round, or borrowed time now. So the medical community says. And perhaps he is. When I look at him, I am actually drawn closer. I spend as much time trying to really make him happy, more comfortable, and laugh as much as I possibly can. I lost my mother and father in very recent years. I did the same with them, and I am so thankful for the end time that we shared. It brings me comfort.

I can only say as the previous person stated, seek help. Your husband really does need you now. Think on this, if the situation were reversed how would you feel if he turned away from you? We all get a little burned out and need some uplifting, but don't pull away from him. He needs love and care right now. This must be the hardest thing to face, and at such a young
age. I shall pray that God strengthens you to complete this journey. Remember, you are an example to your daughter. Make sure she has very loving memories of her Mom and Dad. For this will truly impact her life. It is hard but you can do it, hang in there and let the love flow.


Be blessed and stay strong
Gail

Hey Suzanne. I can totally sympathize with what you are going thru right now.
My 38 yr old husband has renal cell carcinoma and is on Sutent(a pill) because it spread to his lungs. He was diagnosed 3mths ago. We have a 22mth old little girl and she knows something is going on although she is too young to know how serious his health issues are. It breaks my heart to watch her look at him and he cries all the time because he thinks that he will never get to see her grow up.
It is hard not to be devestated when the life you imagined with the man of your dreams is suddenly put on hold by this awful disease.
My advice to you is to have hope and pray on a daily basis. God doesn't want you and your family to be in agony. Miracles do happen and they can happen here. Go see another doctor, do research relentlesly on the computer. There are alternative treatments,Organic diets, supplements etc. They are coming up with new advances almost daily and he has youth on his side..
The pill(Sutent) that my husband is taking was only approved by the FDA in January. This medicine cuts off the blood supply and shrinks and kills tumors. Unbelieveable that a little capsule can do so much.
It is only natural to pull away to protect yourself from some of the hurt. I've done it some myself, but after I have a long chat with God I always feel better about things.
Just know that you are not alone in this fight and never accept what some doctor says as a time line for your husbands life.
I found it very comforting to find a survivors network for renal cell(kidney cancer)I spoke with a 76 year old woman who was diagnosed 14 years ago and she had it in 5 places all over her body and here she is today, living her life with 11 grandchildren.
I also just read Lance Armstrong's book - Its not about the Bike, My journey back to life. It is so inspiring. Please try to read it if you have a chnace.
Take care and don't give up hope!
Feel free to write anytime.

I read your letter and I feel your pain. I just wanted to check how your husband is doing, and also how you are doing as well? My heart and prayers go out to to your family.

My Mother was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer March 6 2006. Worst day of my life. We have not lost hope, and I want you to stay strong with us too!!!!!!!!

My private email is --- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed. Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ---- please feel free to email me anytime.

Blessings,
Carla

Hi, I feel your pain and as I am reading your story I am saying to myself,I feel the same way.My husband was 34 when he was diagnosed and has been battling colon cancer stage4 for 3 years.We have two daughters age 9 & 11 and a 18 year old daughter who couldn't take it anymore,so she moved out a month ago.Sometimes I just want to run away.It is so hard to see my strong husband widdle away.He also was on Erbutux& Camptosar,he got very sick on it lost all his hair,and lost alot of weight. He was 210,now he weighs 130.It is horrible and I can't believe so many young and old people are going through this.I also cry my eyes out daily,because my husband is now the worst he has ever been.I sometimes think it must be easier for someone to lose their husbands in a car accident or some other way,because then it would just be over.But after all the why me?And Why him ? And what did we do wrong ? I have begun to live day by day,and it is really helping.I stopped thinking about the future and who will walk my daughters down the isle on their wedding day,and how am I going to go on.I know it is so hard,and I always say yeah it just sucks!!But with the power of prayer,and heathy eating and a positive attitude anything is possible.Stay stong for your husband even though it is a struggle,I know how you feel and I think it is normal to feel that way.Someone told me "don't let the worries of tomorrow,rob you of your strength today"and that is how I live my life now.Please keep me posted,my prayers are with you and your family.SW

My dear, you are going to have many emotional ups and downs.. a real rollercoaster. My husband diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma in 200l. He has had surgery, radiation, and Immunotherapy which he was lucky to be in the 15% qho responded. Later when the cancer returned to his lungs he was on erbatux/erolotinib stuby and was lucky to be in the 10% who responded. All I can tell you that helped me was that they are coming up with new treatments all the time, and you are part of the support group.. so take care of yourself too so you can be there for him. It will be one of the hardest jobs you ever do... and still be a good mother to your little girl and keep your own sanity. The only thing I can see about this long ordeal is that you have a chance to say goodbye, and a chance to do some of the things you might have put off doing. But get some support yourself, and there will be groups in your community, church, co-workers, and somewhere you will get little helps here and there and they will continue to be there for you. Just take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or one minute at a time... I have been calm and collected, hysterical, composed, fragented, you name it. I have found myself talking to myself outlout in the grocery store.. etc. etc. but everyone has been understanding.. and supportive... I have let my imagination run wild about how this will all turn out, but try not to get too caught up in that.. enough to worry about with just today's worried. As far as emotionally pulling away, that is probably a survivor skill which will help you cope.. and I have read that as people get sicker, they will also pull away, so maybe you'll have to deal with that too. Just remind yourself that you can only do the best you can with the facts you have, and don't beat yourself up by how you "should" be acting. You are the one going through this, and it is a very hard job... Try to build some wonderful memories to sustain you, and concentrate on the here and now.. Sometimes just the smallest thing will make happy memory... We had been married over 40 years when this happened, but he had had to travel a lot during our marriage. For the first time we have had time to do things together... things we never did before, like shopping for groceries, or sooking. so that was a new "good" memory time. So just hang in there. I have been in another support group on the internet that helped a lot, also because you realize you're not alone and many others are dealing with more than you are... and a group from a local church.. But the people at the treatment center have been so great... I know that since we are in our 60's we have a different perspective.. and never thought we'd be here to see our great grand daughter... he was given 3 months when he was first diagnosed... and here we are more than 5 years later. So I guess, we just have to learn to accept life as it comes ane make the most of each minute. And accept that you are going to have a lot of emotions.. and you don't have to feel guilty for them.. If anyone says anything to you, just say "I hope you never have to go through what we're going through and face the decisions that we're facing".. Take care of yourself and your little family and treasure all your memories to sustain you later..
Email is great, and you can have a friend or relative manage your mail if this is too much for you, accept everyone's offers for help, however small, you'll need help just with all the paperwork that will pile up, and get out with girlfriends sometimes, just keep on living so you can be supportive as your husband faces all these challenges... Remember there is always hope... keep believing that. Right now we are looking at which possible treatment will be the best as we continue our journey.. with hope... laters, greatgrandmyginny

Hey there,

I would really like to talk to you some more, my email is --- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed. Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ----

You are the first person I have met close to my age who is going through this. I have been meeting with a new therapist an feel WAY better.

If you want to, write me at any time. Sometimes although we have a lot of support I still feel really alone, like no one knows what I'm feeling.

Shoot me an email and I will reply.

We can do this.

Take Care,
Suzy

The feeling of pulling away is a normal thing; you can only stand so much emotional pain at one time for your spouse. Don't stay there, move back toward him and accept the ups and downs as part of your life. Get professional oncology counseling, many of us do, it helps. You need friends, family, and a counselor to support you. Think about how you will feel about your decisions in ten years, make the ones now that leaves no regrets, even if it is difficult. My prayers are with you.

Wow, your message really touched my heart. I am 37, my husband is 40 (married for 5 yrs) and diagnosed 10/14/06 with Signet Ring Cell Carcinoma/Colorectal. They gave him 4-5 months at that time. We have a blended family of 6 kids from 19 down to 2. He seems to be deteriorating fast. I haven't pulled away, in fact, I try to be much closer. But who's to say that I wont down the road. I'm so glad I read your post. You've been going through this for a very long time. I have up days and down days but the down days are because I feel so bad about what he's going through and I feel so scared at how my life is going to majorly change. I try to stay focused on the fact that my time to grieve will be when it's over. I throw myself into taking care of him, the kids, house and work (I work from home). It's a very hectic schedule for me and I think that's what makes it easier, the busier I am,the less time to think about it. Although, my husband isn't very mobile. He can hardly walk and intimacy is the last thing on his mind. I hurt for you and your family and I hope you can find it in you to do what's right for your family, whatever that may be. Only you know the answer to that. I will surely be praying for you and yours. You're a good person and your heart is pure. Thank you for the post. It really opened my eyes up to what an emotional roller coaster all of us caretakers go through. Stay strong. God bless you.