I did it!

Love how you named your suv.  I named mine, too...black beauty.  ha  She's got a few battle scars these days. 

Toothpicks...I'd be tempted to save them because a little piece of my husband might be on them.  I do that with his shoes, too.  I step in his boots and think I am touching him a little bit. 

You're another step closer to drinking that morning coffee on your new deck.  You are an inspiration, Irene.  I feel like I am still in my holding pattern, just waiting for something..a sign maybe...don't know.  I don't want JP to think I'm happy or 'moving on'.  (survivor's guilt) I do think they are with us, but the bible says there are no tears in heaven, so that means no bad feelings about anything...even what's happening on Earth.  So I think the don't miss us because they know we'll be together for eternity.  This life is a flash in heaven time.

Yesterday the air-conditioning guy asked if I would consider selling JP's truck.  Wow...my dad was just mentioning that to me.  It just feels good to see it in my driveway.  My dad says that it won't be worth as much if I wait too long, but I don't care.  Just sitting in it and touching the steering wheel feels good, even though I cry when I do it.

Have a fun weekend with Honey, Pugs, and Dickens with your moonroof open!  Hugs and blessings.  TIna

Hi Irene...The phrase "fake it till you make it" will always make me think of you even if you didn't actually make it up. Such a true statement. Those of us in our situation need to put on a fake smile on the outside even though we are crying on the inside. People just don't understand the magnitide of our loss because they themselves have never lost a loved one and have no way of knowing the pain we are in. I hate that so many people seemed to forget about Joe like he never existed. Maybe thats kind of a strong statement but thats how I feel.

"Honey" sounds like a perfect name for your new Rav!!! I'm sure that you and your 4 legged children are going to enjoy many years of cruising around making new memories. We will never forget the priceless, treasured memories that we have tucked away in our heart and in our minds, of our  husbands, but I guess life goes on. That means more memories to add to the treasured ones we have of our soul mates.

So happy that things are moving forward with your new deck!!! I feel in my heart that Phil is so, so proud of you. I know our hubbies want us to be happy. You are a strong lady and I admire you so much. Even though we have our down days they are getting a little easier to cope with... at least on the outside. Love you dear friend. Thank you for being here for all of us. Keeping you, me and everyone else here in my daily prayers. May Gods love bring us peace and comfort to get through all the difficult days. You and Cancer Compass is such a blessing.

Love, Hugs and Prayers

JackieJo

Hi Tina...Like you I would probably save those toothpicks too. I was surprised to hear you say that you step inside JP's boots to feel close to him!!! I do the same thing with Joe's shoes and slippers!!! As a matter of fact Joe used to keep 2 pairs of his favorite sneakers and his favorite boat shoes by his side of the bed. I've never put them away...they are still where Joe left them. I pick them up to vacuum and put them back exactly as they were the last time he took them off. Joe was never a slipper person until he got sick. Thorough out the 9 months of his illness he  wore slippers because he was cold alot of the time. When we went to Cape Cod the end of May last year...7 wks before he passed...we stopped at the Bass Outlet and he bought an new pair. When we got home from our vacation is when the his health started to decline rapidly. He wore those new slippers almost constantly from that point on. I have them in his closet and don't have it in me to put them away or give them to a charity. Don't get grossed out... but I even sniff the slippers because his smell is still there. Every thing else of his has lost the Joe smell over time. :( .  I totally understand why you can't sell JP's truck. Only someone whose lost a loved one would understand that. Don't let anyone talk you into selling it until you feel ready to do it. Keep it as long as it brings you comfort and makes you feel closer to JP when you sit in it. Its things like their personal belongings that get us through the rough times. We may still cry but we will feel some comfort in their personal belongings at the same time. I too still have survivors guilt and can't seem to get through that. I like your explaination about how different things are in heaven and that our loved ones are not sad or missing us because they know that we will someday be reunited in heaven.

I have to agree with you 110% that Irene is such an inspiration, as are you too. Cancer Compass not only helps us as caregivers when a loved one is dying, but also the support is here long after our loved ones have passed over. This is the only place I can bare my soul and let my true feelings out.

Can't wait to see the BIG moon tonight!! Joe was facinated  with astrology and I know he'll be enjoying the full moon this all weekend!

Love Hugs and Prayers

JackieJo

Hi Dear Friends    I wouldn't worry about people telling you to get rid of the car or anything that was your loving husbands. You will know within yourself when or even if the time is right. There is not right or wrong.

Last summer I was planning on keeping that old truck of Phil's. He'd had it for 15 yrs after the first owner and it became a laughing matter every time he got it inspected and it passed and he said "Two more years!"   But it was when the problems started, one after another I almost felt like he was telling me to let it go. Then when the person bought it and he found Phil's high school that seemed to reassure me I'd made the right decision.

It took me more months to let go of the toothbrush! People who haven't been through this would think I was nuts but we all know here the pain of letting go.

I use Phil's fishing equipment(there is a whole room filled lol) Plus I have several flannel shirts and his entire collection of Phillies shirts we all wear to baseball games. I think the thing I am closest to is his Phillie zip swear shirt that he got when we took the train over to Philly and walked the mile to his cancer treatment and he bought it off a vendor. He pushed himself to do this thru his month of radiation as if saying screw you cancer.

I also still have his last tee shirt under my pillow. Can't see that going anywhere. And like you I take a wiff of his fragrance. When I had first placed it under my pillow Misty was in bed with me and she kept sniffing and getting as close as she could to the pillow. Maybe that is why she sleeps with ME? Irene

On May 04, 2012 7:50 PM eastwest wrote:

I can't claim the "fake it til you make it phrase." I heard it at a support group last year. 

I was cleaning out my 10 yr old Hyundai today. Misty, who isn't keen on riding, jumped right in! The little bug-a-pug. I am waiting til I get my pet covers before she and Dickens get their first rides in the Rav. Since she gets beside herself and on top of me as I drive I am going to place her crate and comfy bed in the back and see if that helps. Both of them do have harnesses too. Dickens usually just likes to lay down in the car and chill.

As i was cleaning out the old Elantra I found toothpicks. Who knew toothpicks could bring tears to a person's eyes? Phil always stashed some in the car. Then I found an old key to my mother's family's homestead. Another day to remember things.

 I will check out that moon tonight. By the way I named the Rav HONEY. So if you here me talk about my "honey" you will know what I mean. LOL It really does look honey colored. But today the pollen is super bad. Honey needs a bath already!

 Scott is up from Virginia and is digging the holes for the supports for the deck he is building me. He says he should have it done by next weekend if we can get the inspector out the 3 times needed. It only took 2 months to get the permit. But I think we are moving along now.

I feel that our husbands would want us to be happy here too. As happy as we can be in this physical form without them. I am just so sure they are well and happy where they are. I feel it in my bones. I don't know if they can miss us like we miss them because I think they know how we are. And they have a different perspective from where they are now.

Reading in : Kayak Morning (reflections on love,grief and small boats)book by Roger Rosenblatt today and it said That "people in grief become more like themselves." hmmm not quite sure if that is good or bad. I do know we have different perspectives since our loss though.

I remember that all over pain. I was like that when Phil first died for several days. After that the exhaustion hit. Our bodies have been thru a trauma even if it isn't showing in bruises or broken bones outwardly. We really need to take extra care of ourselves. Hugs to you all, Irene

Hi Irene

You are absolutely right - everyone is different in how they grieve and knowing when things are right or wrong for us.  My Dad had me go through Mom's things shortly after her death - hardest thing I ever did in my life at that time.  I'm like my mother in that I take comfort in having the things of loved ones around me.  Dad passed away two years ago and I had to clear out their home - that became the hardest thing I have ever done because not only did I have Dad's belongings to go through but some of my mothers (her car keys and cards to Dad). 

I have a few items of clothes that belonged to my mother who passed away over 20 years ago - I have items that belonged to my Dad - and I have things that belonged to my first husband who passed away 20 years ago (his jacket that I have worn so many times because I felt close to him). 

I have a little Shih Tzu that is like Misty - she is all over the car and shaking when we go for a car ride.  Her brother and sister get in and lay down - they love riding but not Nikka.  I bought her a new shirt the other day called a "thundershirt" - it says it is the best solution for dog anxiety (for car or travel anxiety, fear of thunder, separation anxiety, etc.).  I am going to give it a try.  I tried it on her and she didnm't  mind it at all.  It wraps snuggly around the chest area with velcroe and around the tummy with velcroe straps.  It is like swaddling in a baby so I have hope for it.   The guy at the feed store said he knew personally that it worked.  I saw it a short time later at a pet store and they also gave it a thumbs up.  One salesman said only one person said it didn't totally eliminate his dog's anxiety in the car but it did help.  I'll let you know how our first car ride goes using it.  Nikka drove my husband crazy on a trip from FL to IL so it will be worth its weight in gold if it works for her.

Diana 

I still have Michael's old work pick up too. An 83 Chevy - the uuuuugliest dirty butterscoth color and with some problems but man, that thing runs good. I have had guys ask about me selling it. I wanted to keep it around for winter as a "spare" - it's 4WD - and now I think it might be good to have around for the summer, don't you think so, too? My friend / neighbor uses it from time to time to haul things and he keeps gas in it, checks the oil and tires and all. What a blessing he's been - we made him a set of keys for it. Anytime, Bob. I take it to the store everyonce in a while. Sometimes I just sit in it. It's a good place to take him in and cry but there's a trick to rolling the window down that I haven't mastered and I can't stay in there too long.

Michael had more clothes than me - a super-packed closet and chest of drawers. The guy kept everything. But he went from an XL to a M and at my prompting, agreed he would never be able to wear any of that again. So we loaded up 8leaf bags of stuff for Goodwill and started to pick up Mediums. There's only four newer shirts in there now. I gave the two pair of jeans to someone in need. His shoes are just fine where they are. I  kept the tons of sweats, pajama pants and t-shirts which had become his main wardrobe and am happily wearing them myself now - at least the ones that arn't too small for me! (sigh) Because of the sickness and a funny smell he had when on chemo, I over-washed everything so I don't even have him on his pillow. And his skin got so dry - he just wasn't putting it out anymore. I do have an old wool cabbie hat that retained it. I put it in a Ziploc bag - I hit it regularly (and must look like a real druggie needing a fix). It was quite a score when a couple weeks ago I found his hairbrush in the back of the vanity drawer. Hadn't needed that for awhile as he'd lost his hair and was going to keep his head shaved anyway. It's in the Ziploc bag now, too  

LOL GOD BLESS YOU ALL! for being able to talk about our husbands' smells!

Irene, Mike fished, too. He has a storage closet along the side of the carport. Did you ever think the smell of crawdad oil, stink bait, motor oil and wet canvas would smell so good????? I had a good, long cry in there. And then sneezed for hours afterwards.

Take care all - thanks - Cray

Cray    those darn plastic worms! Phil had scads of them. When they got warm what a smell! When we talked about getting another truck I asked why when that smell would permeate it so quickly.

We fished from the time I met him. I always associate balogna and cheese sandwiches from when I was a teen and we would travel an hr or so to North Jersey to fish the streams up there. One time he had wadders on and I had hip boots. he was walking and said "keep coming it gets shallower." So I followed him on a cold April morning and then the water poured over the top and down into my hips boots. LOL now but not real happy being so cold and wet then. I don't remember getting any trout that day. So many fishing memories over 40 years, a room full of tackle, a bass boat, john boat and fleet of kayaks after he decided to get one.

 Probably good to keep the old truck if it isn't costing you too much with upkeep. After the two bad winters I started to think 4WD. That is another reason getting the Rav though I don't know if I want to play slip and slide next winter.  Irene

Diana       Please let me know how the Thunder shirt works for your dog.  Misty was really Phil's dog and while he was ill and after he passed she really became anxious scratching. At first the vet said fleas...NO...Then allergies...possibly as right now her eyes are a bit red from the pollen.  But it went beyond that and she would stop scratching if I pet her. So I reasoned it was more nerves. I picked up a GNC dog chew called RELAX from PetSmart. It has tryptophen, camomille, hops in it and doesn't seem to sedate her, just calm her when she does scratch.  Maybe i could use it too? lol Irene

On May 06, 2012 12:59 AM eastwest wrote:

Diana       Please let me know how the Thunder shirt works for your dog.  Misty was really Phil's dog and while he was ill and after he passed she really became anxious scratching. At first the vet said fleas...NO...Then allergies...possibly as right now her eyes are a bit red from the pollen.  But it went beyond that and she would stop scratching if I pet her. So I reasoned it was more nerves. I picked up a GNC dog chew called RELAX from PetSmart. It has tryptophen, camomille, hops in it and doesn't seem to sedate her, just calm her when she does scratch.  Maybe i could use it too? lol Irene

It is so difficult on us when we lose someone we love but at least we have the capacity to understand what is going on.  My mother's dog mourned Mom to the point we thought we were going to lose her too.  She just couldn't understand where Mom had gone.   

I will let you know how Nikka's new shirt works within the next few days. 

Our Ricki developed severe allergies all of a sudden.  After a lot of research and trial and error, I finally figured out it was a food allergy.  I tried several different foods before hitting up Natural Balance - totally grain free (which I read is the highest possible allergen).  Dick Van Patton, the actor, was a huge animal lover and paid to have the food developed.  His son now runs the company.  I buy it at Petco.  Ricky is now on the Venison and Sweet Potato Dry food with the same in wet food mixed in.  They also said to go with food they were not used to eating - thus the Venison.  It has done wonders for him.  It got so bad that he drove us crazy along with himself scratching until he was bloody raw on his back. 

I'll let you know about the shirt ASAP.  Sure wouldn't hurt to try them both.  lol

Diana         

When my husband passed i had a hard time letting go of things also.    His work pants are hanging on the back of the bedroom door and his jacket is on the kitchen chair. But i realized i was not the only one suffering a loss, my children though adults were suffering a major loss also.  Denny was their dad but he was also a willing servant doing all he could for them and loving every minute of it.  I took his sports shirts that he wore to work and i made quilts out of them.  And gave them to his girls.  I told them Boppa would still be wanting to keep us warm.  They were put together in a step pattern reaching upward.  This has brought some comfort to his kids.  And i did finally ,after over a year ,i did sell 1 of his cars.  He had three and the insurance and upkeep were not justifiable.  Take your time parting with things, quick mistakes can't be undone.  Blessings to all.