1st Anniversary: worst event yet?

Hi SunshineDad   Glad you share your journey with us here. The lose is so striking and individual that sometimes we aren't sure if we are doing this grief "right"  or "normally." Some people will tell us we should be "moving on." Ask: "Aren't you past the grief yet?" "Do you still cry?"  They are the DGIs (Don't get its). I've learned this past year not to bother trying to explain it cause I can't. Unfortunately they will have to go thru it on their own. 

 I found that the anticipation of those firsts, the days leading up to them were sometimes more difficult to get through then the actual day when it came. I am now a couple of months past that year marking all the firsts. I was scared because I've had some fellow grievers tell me the second year is worse. I am still grieving but it is not like it was a year ago. I've accepted that I will always feel his lose and his love. I'll always miss his arms around me and the comfort and love and friendship we shared.

For the first 10 or 11 months I cried a little or a lot every day. The first day I didn't cry I actually felt guilt and wondered if I would  forget Phil. Like I would?? Somedays the loss still strikes me anew in realilty.  Father's day is rough for me this year as that was when Phil ended up in U of Penn 2010 and after 6 months elsewhere the correct diagnosis was made. Yesterday i saw a card with a pug on it for father's day and I wanted to weep. It was definitely the one I would have bought for Phil from his girl Misty.   Irene

Dear Eastwest: You couldnt have said it better....I agree with you, the days leading up to the "firsts" holidays, birthday, diagnosis, surgeries, etc are the hardest and the hurt goes deep. I am not at the 1 year mark, today is 6 months for me and even though it is summer, the days are dark and gray...so many tears and unanswered questions, what-if's, etc....I pray to God daily and can only hope that he is listening.

Those darn "what ifs"  or "I could have" "Should haves."  

 I was somewhere this past week and someone who has had EC and is surviving was talking about his experience at the U of Penn. He went to another dr who sent him there immediately. While Phil's dr kept playing around for 6 precious months, told us it was not cancer 10 days before we drove over to U of Penn on our own. 

We just don't get doovers. Remember you are human with all the frailities and try to let those haunting sayings go.  Hugs Irene

Agree that the "what ifs" are brutal. What if we went up to Sloan would his treatment of been better, would he gotten more time ? It took awhile to get use to listening to survival stories, so hoping we were going to be one of those near death and lived on for 20 years, but such was not our story.

It is hard to put the pain into words. Its like someone laid you out on a grid, took out every other piece and then said, go ahead live on.

Hang in there