Frustrated and Upset

I have been married to my wife almost 10 years. In 2005 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a radical mastectomy. We thought at the time she was free of the cancer, but she was a very different person after her breast cancer she tended to live in the moment and not so much trying to plan for the future. I adjusted as best I could and was always supportive of her. In 2008 she started complaining all the time of feeling like she had the flu and then in 2009 a bone scan revealed her caner had returned this time in her bones. We doubled down and fought the cancer , it was a severe hardship on our family and forced us into bankruptcy as we are not wealthy. My employment requires a long commute and so I was only available in the evening for her and she did well for a long time. Her parents did pitch in and help as well at times also. I was at chemo most of the time with her taking to the doctor with excused absenses from work and using PTO as well. About a month ago it was determined by a pet scan and biopsy that the caner moved to her liver. The doctor's changed her chemo and I know she also hurts from the biposy they performed. But about three weeks ago she went to stay her parents house because our automobile stopped working and her family took her to the hospital. I had been at home due to a personal illness. When she returned to from the hospital she said she wanted to stay in town at her family's home because she wanted time with them and because home health was coming by with medicine.Also I know she wants to be with out son who  about a year ago now  had started staying with her parents because she was unable to care for him or get him to school and because of my commute. I will say that I have not always had the best relationship with my inlaws for various reasons. Now I feel like they have done something to make my wife want to stay in town versus being at home with me. I am her husband and want to take care of her and love her. I feel like this is causing me to resent my inlaws. 

Hi 'Sad Husband,'

I am so sorry to hear your wife is on this horrible cancer journey and I wish her the best.  Cancer has no respect for age, gender, nationality or 'relationships.'

It sounds like you are a loving husband and you have been there for her through so much of this.

However, are not the 'man of the hour' here.  It is your darling wife who is the 'lady of the hour.'

Personally, I can understand your wife wanting to stay with her parents; where she is closer to medical attention....You did say your car is broke down.  She also has 24 hour care....You did say you have long commutes to your job and that you have been taking off time from work to take your wife for treatment.  And, to top it off......she has been without her son for nearly a year!!!

So......You have not always had the best relationship with your wife's parents?!?!  I would think it is time you and the inlaws sit down and talk all of this through.  Suck up the petty stuff of the past!  Remember, your darling wife is the 'lady of the hour!'  She does not need any tension in her life at all; she has more than enough on her plate right now!

Perhaps, if you can bring yourself around to it........Your inlaws would let you stay with them also and you would be closer to work, and be there to help with your wife and son.

Instead of resenting your inlaws, you should be thanking them for seeing that your wife and your son have constant care in a time when she is not able to handle it all by herself.

Now, go see your inlaws and tell them how much you appreciate them.

Prayers and blessings for all,

B

Although it is your wife's cancer, the battle is especially hard on the caregivers. While I understand that her reasoning whether stated or implied. Her need to feel like she is spending the most quality part of her life among family and friends is key. Understand that mentality is a big part of this battle and if staying with her family helps with that don't take it personally.

I would suggest trying to mend the ties with the inlaws but that is not always easy either. As a caregiver with difficult and often impossible inlaws and full knowledge of a 10 year battle with repeated cancer, this is no easy request. I have failed many attempts and succeeded at others. I think a talk to your wife may help and express your need to be there for her and how left out you feel in the process. Sometimes cancer patients put distance between those they love in the hopes that if the worst happens it "may" be easier on you. She is trying to take all the burden of you and it's a common reaction. Don't be surprised if that is her motivation because I spent two years struggling with remaining close to my husband while he tried to make it easier for me.

The good news is now we are closer than ever and doing well despite cancer still being actively part of our life. We have lost our home, out freedoms, our jobs and much much more as a result but the positive result is we learned to rely on each other, communicate better and live in the moment cause tomorrow can alway be worse than today. We still plan for the furture just in short bursts, a week, a month, 3  months is our limit.

I'd be happy to let you vent because there are often ugly thoughts, worries, frustrations and depressions that you can't say to those who don't know how it feels and that you don't want to burden your wife with.