by eastwest on Fri Jun 15, 2012 08:28 PM
Today I visited my primary dr for checkup since my BP had been up about a month ago. Now that I am doing my 2 miles frequently during the week it's coming back down. Anyway he asked how I was and I said I was having a pity party today but that once I got out and walked I'd feel better. For me nature is my balm.
He asked how often i cry. I don't keep tabs on it. I know that until about the 10 month marker it was daily. Now it is in dribs and drabs. Some days none and others more. He asked if I was willing to take an antidepressant. At this point I am not. I know over the years, due to certain traumas I've had my ups and downs but I pull myself thru. I don't understand how me taking a pill is going to help. It won't bring Phil back.
I feel as though I have made strides this year. I can focus better on things I need to do. I don't feel like the lost puppy anymore. I've helped myself thru reading books on grief and using this site and another widow site. But i don't have a switch to end my grieving.
He said that some drs are now saying 6 months is the good crying time frame. All i can think is that they are the JDGI(just dont get its) Irene
by crayfish on Sat Jun 16, 2012 05:24 AM
I recently posted to someone that I thought I was doing better. Just had the 6 monther. sigh. Today I was really sad though. Just going out to eat Chinese... Michael. Baby. No meltdown (yet) but I am hurting.
I recently was given a book about grief and it was implied, too, that at 6 months I should be over it. I was really offended (?) by it. All this grief staging is a bunch of phooey, I've decided. I've not felt denial, anger or guilt. On one page they say everybody will grieve differently and on the next they tell you what you're suppose to be feeling at what time. You're right - they JDGI. Cookie cuttering grief. Sorry dudes - you have obviously missed out on true love and your PhD doesn't mean a thing to me. Don't tell me how to feel. Or for how long.
I was on anti-depressants at one time (B.C.) The side effects of the first (and weight gain!) were not worth the little betterment I felt. I did better with a second one but I was in such a fog (and I transposed numbers, etc.) that I had to dump it, too. You know, one thing I've learned regarding alcohol and drugs - you come around and problems are still there just where you left them. You gotta walk through it to get to the other side. It has been suggested I get "help" but I won't do it either. My love was real, the pain is real and somehow I think I would be copping out on Michael. He wouldn't like me saying that - would want me to find happiness. But there's a difference between finding peace again and being in la-la land on drugs.
I'd like your input on something. I, too, rely on nature to soothe me. It has always been that way for me and is something we enjoyed together and were quite spiritual about. I am having a problem with getting out there by myself. I want to fish and hike and meditate and all but my family has got me so spooked about going alone. With Michael with me I could be free. With others - not so much. I'm in the city now so have to go to parks and such. Any advice?
Take care. Thanks for writing. Cray
by eastwest on Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:33 AM
Hi Cray You nailed my feelings. I don't want to mask my pain. The dr said "Maybe take a med for 6 months." Then when I stop where am I? He said it will help me get thru Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have already gotten thru them last year.
At least walking thru the pain I think I will feel six more months better at coping. I know I have made progress in 14 months. I can focus on things better and accept where I am. But I still feel the loss and don't see how a pill can help that. If I felt denial it was before Phil died. I think I wavered back and forth from that and reality because after each time he ended up in the hospital he recovered a bit. He even gained weight for a month or so.
He asked if I wanted counseling. He knows i tried one grief support group which was more like a click of people who have been together for several years, not newly grieving. I also went to 3 other grief support sessions elsewhere but I think I am further then they will take me. Irene
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