Now that my husband had surgery, holidays??

We are so greatful he is here, and we count our blessings daily...I know it's so far in advance, but the surgeon said things will never be the same, as far as going to restaurants etc... And I'm prepared to adjust our lives in any way we need too, but for all who had it. The holidays?? In all fairness, since my husband is limited, should we skip this invites the first year, until we get better adjusted??? For the rest of the family, they should carry on their traditions? But should I arrange more of a open house things. were food and sitting around a table for hours, eating, is something we should avoid the first year, and arrange more of an open house, thing where food is not the center... I know this is so premature, but I'm trying to get a take on how to go about this new world...??? So please share your experiences... And advise...Thanks so much

On Jul 03, 2012 6:17 AM Helpforhiswife wrote:

We are so greatful he is here, and we count our blessings daily...I know it's so far in advance, but the surgeon said things will never be the same, as far as going to restaurants etc... And I'm prepared to adjust our lives in any way we need too, but for all who had it. The holidays?? In all fairness, since my husband is limited, should we skip this invites the first year, until we get better adjusted??? For the rest of the family, they should carry on their traditions? But should I arrange more of a open house things. were food and sitting around a table for hours, eating, is something we should avoid the first year, and arrange more of an open house, thing where food is not the center... I know this is so premature, but I'm trying to get a take on how to go about this new world...??? So please share your experiences... And advise...Thanks so much

We have seen and heard of spouses trying to carry on normal operations where the cancer patient is dragged into a setting where he or she is basically forced and expected to be at the table or out in a restaurant and cannot eat what they use to eat. And if they struggle without anyone around they will do the same in a large crowd and get all embarrassed and maybe throw up, have to retire from the family. We know of a colon Cancer where the husband actually went out to a nice restaurant and was so doped up on meds he put his head down on the table and fell asleep just after the meal was delivered.

My wife has severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and i am a 4 time Lung Cancer survivor with a semi large family. We have holidays where we just have to re-arrange where we go and how long we stay so we can pick up and leave if we don't feel well. The kids know the situation and understand. If you go to someone elses house and just bring something that's much better than putting on a big show that basically is not very considerate to him and his feelings. It's nice but not necessary.

Chemo, pills, radiation, Surgery's are no fun and unless you have been through them you don't understand how horrible they make you feel. So for the first year you just have to see how he does in a non responsible setting where you are focused 100% on him and making sure he is comfortable. Ask him what he thinks, maybe have some practice runs with smaller folks and see how much trouble you get into.

Hope i wasn't to hard on you.

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John

A slightly different opinion: Skip nothing that your husband feels up to doing. The idea of not having a sit down dinner, but rather a grazing event, sounds really good. I had an esophagogastrectomy almost 7 years ago. Not being able to eat a full meal is discouraging (especially at the all you can eat places) but, hey, that's why they have doggie bags. The opportunity to be out and among friends is more important than being able to finish a full meal.

I say - CELEBRATE!

Michael had his esophagectomy in September. Thanksgiving that year? Oh yeah! To be with all his family gathered together at the table after going through something like that? How wonderful! A celebration. Did he eat? Too much! Didn't want to try turkey but sucked down chicken and dumplings, potatoes...... pumpkin pie. 

You make sure there's stuff he can eat - that's all. Is he self-conscious? There's nothing gross or anything about eating less food than everybody else or eating slower. (We would all do better if we did that!) Surely your family and friends will be in tune with this by then.

We ate out quite a bit. A lot of Mexican as it suited him. Usually had a fish entree at a fancier restaurant. Clue in the server that he might need to go a la carte  - get the soup as his entree, etc.  Never had any problem. They were all great, helpful.

Of course, a lot depends on his attitude. You'll just have to see. Michael wanted holidays as always, did not want them to focus on his cancer. He was planning a Christmas party when he passed, wanted people over. One heck of a menu for his friends - things he wouldn't be able to eat but he wanted to do it for them. He was a foodie - a great cook.

Can't tell from your post - Is your husband distraught about limitations on what he can eat? Seeing others enjoying what he can't? Seems some are. I know it was a bummer for Mike to not be able to eat some things but that's just the way it was. But - he could eat  - just different. So he couldn't have a ribeye anymore - he was alive. Thank You, Lord! And out and about whenever he could, being with friends and family celebrating life. That's what was important to him. 

When he got tired we went home.

Mostly, - yes, it is too early to think about it. The holidays are 6 months away. There will be so much improvement by then! I vote for keeping it in your head to celebrate as always.

Merry Christmas! Cray

Ok, I'm sitting here thinking about this more and have just read Crayfish's reply. Right on the mark!

Of course, we don't know how your husband is feeling emotionally. How much does he want to get out? But, I can tell you how I felt. I wanted to do as much as I could - still do. My daughter's wedding was about 7 weeks after my surgery. I don't remember what I ate at the reception, but I can tell you I had a good time (I had a great excuse for not dancing, too). I do remember the next day's cookout with the groom's family. I ate a whole bratwurst, in tiny bites. Probably took me a half hour. I did the recommended 32 chews per bite for the first time in my life. That was the best brat I ever ate!

Since then I can eat more at a sitting, but not nearly what I used to eat. I ate like two people. The only thing that kept me only 15 pounds overweight was the amount of cycling I did. Now I'm at my recommended weight, riding even more than before, and don't skip a thing. My wife and I share restaurant meals and both end up satisfied, sometimes with leftovers. I can eat anything I like. No restrictions - never did have any. Funny thing though, I still can't eat brussel sprouts!?

I hope you and your husband are able to do the same.

Good Luck, Laugh Much, and KEEP MOVING,

Steve

Personally I do not feel that you could have a normal celebration so soon after the surgery.  I went on holidays with my husband just over 2 months after the surgery but my eating was very limited, I could not even drink dairy at that time.  I felt very self conscious and only managed on small things and felt that I had to say that I could not eat and explain the whole thing.

I still do not go out in the eveining but I can eat a larger lunch.  I would leave the family thing for a year and give your husband a chance to recover without getting upset and hiding it from you.

I had a total oesophagectomy on 9th February 2007.

Aoife

I think it depends on how he does. My husband never did well in restaurants or around crowds after his surgery. We tried and I got used to being left sitting at the table alone while he went out to the car. It isn't the same for everyone. He would have a vasovagal response to the lights, noise, smells, crowds. We could manage a restaurant in the off hours when it was quiet and not too crowded. Family gatherings were the same. He could only sit at the table for so long with multiple conversations going on at once...same thing visiting his family with everyone in one room. Too much stimulation made him feel sick. We went some years and skipped some years. If we went, we often had to leave after an hour or so.

Thank you everyone for your reply and tips...they are so much appreciated...I know extended family will be happy to have my husband there, we are so greatful he is with us...but I did want some heads up to them in advance, we always have to go there...my husband is only two months post op today...he is eating great, trial and error as eveyone on this knows... He goes back to work soon, praise god, however, he has been home so longand is super weak, so I'm sure very vulnerable... I'm trying to get him out in public some, show...no popcorn, since I'm on that subject, I would imagine popcorn is not a good food?? Too ruff..any comments, on that? He asked for some and I said no... wait and try it later,,,We can try it at home, so we had cheese it's instead...and water. We have not attempted going out, but great tip on sharing... The holidays..we should celebrate and enjoy, but with limitations..and me the gatekeeper will make sure in advance, just make it more where we are not sitting at a table for hours, if they want us there, they have to make exceptions, as my husband has made a major exception just to live, we can change some traditions.. Our immediate family is fine..they can come here, and we can skip what we use to do and make new traditions,,,it's his family, who are kind of demanding. it's up to him, but he will not want to inconvence, anyone..and I don't want him alone in another room...so before I said anything, I had to take a censes... Thank you!!

Thank you, I agree

My husband use to be a mt biker, that is wonderful you can still do that.... So bending forward does not bother you? That's wonderful and amazing... I never heard of 32 bites, great tip, I'll tell him... My husban is the most extrovert, introvert, ones ever met...he use to be the life of the party, but not does not want to be around anyone...? The last five years..especailly now after cancer DX..that is why he enjoyed biking, alone in nature.. How long after the surgery did you start?? Keep moving for sure!!! Best wishes to you!