Don't know what I need....

I just lost my Dad on July 2nd of this year. He didn't have health insurance so we had no idea there was even a problem until a month before. He was severly jaundice, and by that time we figure, at the point of renal failure. We got the diagnosis three days before he passed...Pancreatic Cancer. He has just beat esophageal cancer and hit the 5yr mark, who would have thought another monster would invade his life. It was a rough few days before, he didn't want hospice in right away, although my thoughts were different, especially how weak he had become. Saturday night in extreme pain and vomiting bile no one would talk to me since he wasn't a hospice patient and other doctors told me to take him to the ER. My Dad's wish was to be at home, I couldn't go against that. My Mom, 4yrs ago lost her battle to ovarian cancer and was able to have her wish to be at home. Through the miracle of one doctor the next day we had Hospice! My Dad was surrounded by love with family and a friend of 45yrs...he knew it was time and told us as much. I promised no suffering but at the end he had trouble breathing and I can still see the look he gave me, begging for help, the same look my Mom gave before she passed. I can't come to terms that I did everything I could for them. I've been told I did the best I could for them and it is what happens at the end, but the look on my Dad's face tells a different story. I gave him morphine a little bit before since he was in pain, and the hospice nurse told me that was good and probably helped him "go over", but I can still see that look. He trusted that I would and will take care of things, but I still feel I somehow failed him, at the most important time no less. I don't have any friends, well one I talk to once in awhile, family is, well they have their own problems and "better halves" to attend to. Since he passed I've shut myself off, when I needed people, there wasn't anyone to be found, now that I've voiced my concern, one family member "shows up". He listens, but doesn't hear a word I say, which has always been a problem with us, so I figure what's the point of talking. I know we are all dealing with our grief in different ways, and in some way I shouldn't complain...I have shut myself off. I've done that  since I can't even remember. If I need something and let you know or think it's obvious and you aren't there, I shut down and ignore efforts after that...my problem to deal with I guess. My main thing is my Dad's last minutes, the fear in his eyes, the trust I feel I broke with the  promise of no pain or suffering. I'm doing what I have to or needs to be done, but I am in some kind of limbo, or robotic state...I'm not even sure what I need at this point. I'm so used to pushing people away, hence the no friends, I have my dog and I don't know. Maybe I just needed to write this....I don't know.

I don't know what to say but I am very sorry for your losses.

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time dealing with all this stuff.  Believe me, your father is in a much better place and he knows exactly how much you DID do for him.  He knows the love you have for him and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over something you had no control over.  It sounds like you were there for him and that's what really mattered.  You already realize you have to quit pushing people away and try and talk to someone.  If you can't find a way to talk to family try speaking to a pastor at a local church or find a support group to help you cope with your loss (possibly through a local hospital).  There are definitely people out there willing to listen and talk with you.  You need to heal your body and mind now.  Take whatever steps you need to so you can get the help you need and deserve.

On Jul 25, 2012 8:39 PM SadAlone16 wrote:

I just lost my Dad on July 2nd of this year. He didn't have health insurance so we had no idea there was even a problem until a month before. He was severly jaundice, and by that time we figure, at the point of renal failure. We got the diagnosis three days before he passed...Pancreatic Cancer. He has just beat esophageal cancer and hit the 5yr mark, who would have thought another monster would invade his life. It was a rough few days before, he didn't want hospice in right away, although my thoughts were different, especially how weak he had become. Saturday night in extreme pain and vomiting bile no one would talk to me since he wasn't a hospice patient and other doctors told me to take him to the ER. My Dad's wish was to be at home, I couldn't go against that. My Mom, 4yrs ago lost her battle to ovarian cancer and was able to have her wish to be at home. Through the miracle of one doctor the next day we had Hospice! My Dad was surrounded by love with family and a friend of 45yrs...he knew it was time and told us as much. I promised no suffering but at the end he had trouble breathing and I can still see the look he gave me, begging for help, the same look my Mom gave before she passed. I can't come to terms that I did everything I could for them. I've been told I did the best I could for them and it is what happens at the end, but the look on my Dad's face tells a different story. I gave him morphine a little bit before since he was in pain, and the hospice nurse told me that was good and probably helped him "go over", but I can still see that look. He trusted that I would and will take care of things, but I still feel I somehow failed him, at the most important time no less. I don't have any friends, well one I talk to once in awhile, family is, well they have their own problems and "better halves" to attend to. Since he passed I've shut myself off, when I needed people, there wasn't anyone to be found, now that I've voiced my concern, one family member "shows up". He listens, but doesn't hear a word I say, which has always been a problem with us, so I figure what's the point of talking. I know we are all dealing with our grief in different ways, and in some way I shouldn't complain...I have shut myself off. I've done that  since I can't even remember. If I need something and let you know or think it's obvious and you aren't there, I shut down and ignore efforts after that...my problem to deal with I guess. My main thing is my Dad's last minutes, the fear in his eyes, the trust I feel I broke with the  promise of no pain or suffering. I'm doing what I have to or needs to be done, but I am in some kind of limbo, or robotic state...I'm not even sure what I need at this point. I'm so used to pushing people away, hence the no friends, I have my dog and I don't know. Maybe I just needed to write this....I don't know.

in 1999, I lost my sister to pancreatic cancer and I felt I failed her too. I told my sister I wouldn't let her die and ran around looking for trails, calling people, etc. although her doctors had been very clear about her prognosis. I was so caught up in my grief, I didn't see that  both my father, an emergency room physician and my sister remained calm and seemed to understand that this was what I needed to do. My sister and father had accepted and understood the reality of the situation and knew that it was my grief and anger at the situation that propelled me. I strongly believe thatyou did not fail your father! Quite the opposite! I think what you saw reflected in your Dad's eyes wasloveand your grief translated this as "failing his trust". You honored his wishes, you made sure he was comfortable and you tried to allay his fears. Believe me, it took 13 years for me to come to this conclusion in my situation, I hope you don't spend as much time beating yourself up as I did. My sister died at home, as she wanted, discontinued all treatment (as she wanted and very hard for me to accept). The hospice nurse assisted in easing my sister's pain with morphine. My sister died in the arms of my parents; I still cry at the remembrence that she told my mom she loved her, hugged my dad and then passed away. But please understand in your sadness that you empowered and dignified your father by assisting him in having the ending to his life in the manner that he wanted - at home, with friends and family and with as little pain as possible. I hope when it's my time, I have someone like you at my side.

Thank you for your kind words, but right now none of this feels right. Although I hope I can come to terms with this down the road, I just don't have the confidence it will. I'm so sorry for your loss too, I think it's our first instinct to find a way to save them, I know when before we lost my Mom 4yrs ago to ovarian cancer, we talked to everyone still holding out hope, even after they told her to get her affairs in order. My Dad's came on so quick our heads were spinning. Everything is still so raw, I still expect him to come walking down the steps, or send me an email about how his day is going. As you were, I'm still so angry, I hope I can gain the knowledge you did at some point and I hope now that you have you are enjoying life and things are going well for you, it's a horrible thing when it happens and I wish the best for you! Thank you!

Hi There, What you are feeling is total grief. You have had an exceptionally difficult time and you have had to watch both your parents die from this terrible illness.

With your Dad. you thought he had beat it and after losing your Mum to cancer - its no wonder you feel mixed up and I guess very cheated,

All the lone remarks and friend remarks are really common - so is the feeling of isolation. Its time to start rebuilding your life. Rememeber your parents created your life and they would want the best for you.

What you must do is focus on the living and yourself - honour your parents memory by striding forward with your life - thats what they would have wanted.

Some people say that the final confused hurt look on someones face, is nothing to do with the living - but it is the soul leaving the body to go out of pain and too a better place.....who knows. I think in those final moments, that its the same as when you are born - you wont remember it or know its happening.

Rest, eat well, spend time with old friends and family and most of all plan your future....you have a life to live.

Take care of you xxx

On Jul 25, 2012 8:39 PM SadAlone16 wrote:

I just lost my Dad on July 2nd of this year. He didn't have health insurance so we had no idea there was even a problem until a month before. He was severly jaundice, and by that time we figure, at the point of renal failure. We got the diagnosis three days before he passed...Pancreatic Cancer. He has just beat esophageal cancer and hit the 5yr mark, who would have thought another monster would invade his life. It was a rough few days before, he didn't want hospice in right away, although my thoughts were different, especially how weak he had become. Saturday night in extreme pain and vomiting bile no one would talk to me since he wasn't a hospice patient and other doctors told me to take him to the ER. My Dad's wish was to be at home, I couldn't go against that. My Mom, 4yrs ago lost her battle to ovarian cancer and was able to have her wish to be at home. Through the miracle of one doctor the next day we had Hospice! My Dad was surrounded by love with family and a friend of 45yrs...he knew it was time and told us as much. I promised no suffering but at the end he had trouble breathing and I can still see the look he gave me, begging for help, the same look my Mom gave before she passed. I can't come to terms that I did everything I could for them. I've been told I did the best I could for them and it is what happens at the end, but the look on my Dad's face tells a different story. I gave him morphine a little bit before since he was in pain, and the hospice nurse told me that was good and probably helped him "go over", but I can still see that look. He trusted that I would and will take care of things, but I still feel I somehow failed him, at the most important time no less. I don't have any friends, well one I talk to once in awhile, family is, well they have their own problems and "better halves" to attend to. Since he passed I've shut myself off, when I needed people, there wasn't anyone to be found, now that I've voiced my concern, one family member "shows up". He listens, but doesn't hear a word I say, which has always been a problem with us, so I figure what's the point of talking. I know we are all dealing with our grief in different ways, and in some way I shouldn't complain...I have shut myself off. I've done that  since I can't even remember. If I need something and let you know or think it's obvious and you aren't there, I shut down and ignore efforts after that...my problem to deal with I guess. My main thing is my Dad's last minutes, the fear in his eyes, the trust I feel I broke with the  promise of no pain or suffering. I'm doing what I have to or needs to be done, but I am in some kind of limbo, or robotic state...I'm not even sure what I need at this point. I'm so used to pushing people away, hence the no friends, I have my dog and I don't know. Maybe I just needed to write this....I don't know.

Perhaps, in feeling you failed your dad, you unintentionally remain connected to him. He must have meant a great deal to you. A good man was he?

My parents are both gone now and the world seems like such a lonelier place. Just recently I wept like a baby because I missed my mom so much. Presently, I am fighting for my daughter's life who is battling NHL. A difficult road to travel. Thank God I have my memories of my parents. Sometimes, during my most trying moments, I can still hear them giving me advise and letting me know that everything is going to be alright.

God Bless,

Katherine