my dad is dying and I'm just so mad

My dad is dying.  It's finally hit me, I think.  This week, he was diagnosed with metastatic adenocarcinoma.  I knew things were bad, and I knew his chances were not good, but the diagnosis finally made it clear that he is dying. 

He had a 9.5 cm tumor straddling his spine that they've been treating with double doses of radiation this week.  After this is done, they will start 6 months of chemo for the remainder of the tumor in his back and all the rest of the small tumors that are in his chest cavity.  His back is severely broken (crumbling from several previous breaks/surgeries and years of osteoporosis, plus now the tumor that's been growing on it), and he has several broken ribs.  His immune system is extremely weak from a lack of nutrition (his cancer story started 5 years ago with esophageal cancer, and despite being cancer free for 4.5 years, he's never eaten well since) and exhaustion caused by a lack of sleep from the pain.  All that probably means he won't take the chemo well this time, and even if he does, all it's going to do is marginally prolong his life...he will never be cured.

My dad is never going to get to retire.  He's never going to see and hold and play with my children.  He's not going to get to grow old(er?) with my mom.  We all had so many plans, and now they're just...gone. 

It feels like I've been blindfolded and pushed off a building...I know I'll hit the ground sometime but I don't know when...all I know is it's going to hurt like hell.  So I just wake up with this sense of dread everyday, wondering when I'll finally smack into the ground and wondering how bad I'll be destroyed.  Will I fall apart?  Will my mom or my sisters be broken?  Will we even know how to get up and walk again?

It just makes me so mad.  You know that scene in Steel Magnolias when the mom gets so mad after the funeral?  I never realized how real that scene was until I started having these same breakdowns myself.  I'm mad at God for making this happen, mad at the doctors for not being able to fix it, mad at my dad for leaving me, and mad at myself for...almost everything.  Have I been selfish in waiting to have kids and therefore depriving my dad and myself and my kids all from that experience?  Was I selfish to move out of the country for work late last year?  Why did I get so annoyed with him last time I saw him?  My husband's been getting a bit peeved at me lately, because I've been staying up late reading...I finally broke down and told him last night that I do it because if I don't, I just lie there thinking all these things over and over again, so I have to read until I fall asleep.

I do feel sad...really really sad...for all the times I know he won't be there. 

But mostly, I'm just so mad. 

My dad is dying.

Hello,

I am so sorry your Dad is having all these problems.  Cancer has no respect for any of us.

I  am also sorry to hear you are having so many problems accepting what is going on.  Being mad at God is definitely not a way to handle it.  God is an awesome God, pray and ask for His help for your Dad and ask that He give you strength and guideance to get through this and to be strong for your Mom.

Spend as much time as possible with your Dad, talk to him about all the things in the past that he was interested in... just anything to help pick up his spirits some.

I pray that God will bring some peace and calmness to your Dad, you and the family.

Prayers and blessings,

B

I have been mad for a while too. Cancer doesn't fight fair and it is very hard to accept. I come here to read and learn......it is not an easy place to be.  I have gained so much knowledge, but it drains me. So many sad stories.....some hopeful ones too.  I am numb from the last 8 months. I am my mom's primary caregiver....she lives w/ us. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer at the beginning of the year. She just had whipple surgery. My sister is newly divorced, works full time and has younger kids. She can't help much....I feel like my mother is not happy with her situation (although she is doing well w/ recovery) so she takes it out on me. It makes me mad that my life, my family's life is upside down and we want to do it, but it is so stressful. I know what you mean about the sense of dread....being ready at any moment for things to turn.  I guess it is ok for us to be angry and very sad. I'm sorry that your dad has to go through this. You are not alone in feeling this way.

Cherl

I am so sorry about your dad. Cancer, when it knocks at the door step, it contaminates everyone and everything within its reach.

While my 23 year old daughter is being treated for NonHodgkins Lymphoma I have definitley experiences almost all the stages of Grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Being angry is okay. I pray you're able to have the cry of your life as it leads you to inner peace. Take time and thank this precious person for having been a part of your life. Do this for yourself. Embrace his memories and allow them to set your heart aglow whenever you remember him.

God Bless

I know Exactly what your feeling. I didnt want to face it and I was just so angry that my dad was dying before my eyes. I recently started looking at it like this. Cancer is this horrible disease. It just causes so much pain and so much suffering that it makes me happy now knowing that where he is now. Hes so much better off. Hes no longer suffering.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad and sorry to hear you are not coping too well. I always feel out of a bad situation you must look for something good. Think about all the good times you have had with your dad, childhood memories etc. Talk about them with him, spend as much time as you can with him. I have renal cell cancer and have no idea how long I have. One of our daughters was going to put off going overseas to which I put a big no to that as felt she would be hanging around waiting for me to pass on. Im so happy now that she is on the other side of the world living life to the full. I'm so proud of her. I think about how lucky I am to have got to 61yrs. I have watched my niece suffer with throat and lung cancer diagnosed at the age of 5yrs and now 19yrs and only just been given the all clear. She is now helping so many other young people with cancer. I always feel there is always someone worse off than yourself. Yes you can cry you can feel sad but always try and bring yourself up again, try and be strong for your dad and enjoy as much time as you can with him. My healing thoughts and love go to you your dad and family. Jenny

Sorry I just wanted to add no you haven't been selfish putting off having children. Our eldest daughter is 30yrs and told me earlier this year that she doesn't even know if she wants children. I'm so proud of her if that is what they want as they are doing very well with their business that they have and if they want to be child less for the rest of their lives good on them. I would hate it if they decided to have children just because of my situation. I'm also proud that they live on the other side of the world and they haven't come racing back here to live. We all only have one life and we must do what we want. Don't bash yourself up about what you have done or what you should of done.