Losing my husband

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Losing my husband

by inmom4 on Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:58 PM

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I am not a widow yet but the time is coming. Not sure when it will happen. My husband of almost 25 years has throat cancer(never smoked a day in his life). We have been through chemo and radiation and 3 surgeries in the last year to have it removed. It always comes back and now they have told us that it will keep coming back faster and more aggressively each time. His treatment options are over. I know I will be lost without him even though between the 2 of us we have 4 wonderful grown children who will be there for me it isn't going to be the same. I am so overwhelmed right now, trying to figure out what needs to be done while he is still able to do things and wondering what I can take care of on my own after he passes away. Looking for someone to talk to that has been or is going through the same thing. 

RE: Losing my husband

by KellyC on Sat Sep 15, 2012 04:52 PM

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On Sep 14, 2012 12:58 PM inmom4 wrote:

I am not a widow yet but the time is coming. Not sure when it will happen. My husband of almost 25 years has throat cancer(never smoked a day in his life). We have been through chemo and radiation and 3 surgeries in the last year to have it removed. It always comes back and now they have told us that it will keep coming back faster and more aggressively each time. His treatment options are over. I know I will be lost without him even though between the 2 of us we have 4 wonderful grown children who will be there for me it isn't going to be the same. I am so overwhelmed right now, trying to figure out what needs to be done while he is still able to do things and wondering what I can take care of on my own after he passes away. Looking for someone to talk to that has been or is going through the same thing. 

It is such a scary time for us caregivers.  My husband was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy in 2003 and given 10 years.  Then in 2009 diagnosed with kidney cancer and prognosis isn't good as he is now Stage IV with mets to sternum and spinal column.  I can't remember not living in fear.  I know sometimes it is easy to forget for part of a day but it is always there.

The best advice I received was to stay in the moment.  Don't project.  When I do that and don't look at the "big picture" I can function and live my life on a day to day basis.  Sometimes I break it down into smaller portions, "I can get through this morning."  "I can get throught the next 10 minutes."  That helps me. 

Do the things that make you both happy.  Everything else can come later. 

One thing I did do was get a credit card that has death protection on it.  It is like having a little insurance policy for incidental expenses.  I went through Wells Fargo. 

Hope this helps....virtual hugs.

 

RE: Losing my husband

by Katherine2011 on Mon Sep 17, 2012 04:06 PM

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Dear Inmom,

My deepest sympathy in your suffering. You are in my prayers.

Don’t remain in fear; for it will only immobilize you. It’ll keep you from seeing all the things you can accomplish. Grieve deeply then look towards the horizon. There you’ll find tomorrow.  Imagine the possibilities, without intrusive fear, and then make them happen. One day at a time.

God Bless,

Katherine

RE: Losing my husband

by rosaflor on Sun Oct 07, 2012 01:16 AM

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After my husband died I was fortunate to have access to our Hospice's bereavement program. Support groups met at the hospital and we new widows shared or experiences and our pain and comforted one another. The groups ran for a year and some of us have remained friends and continue to support one another. If you don't have bereavement support at your hospital, check with local churches, even ones where you don't attend, and ask doctors and funeral directors as they may know of a group. It really does help to find that what you are feeling, even some quite crazy stuff, is perfectly normal and is being experienced by others in the same boat.

Also, try to have the legal stuff covered before the death takes place. I know a woman whose husband never bothered to write a will or put her name on the house deed (it was a second marriage) and she felt like it wasn't polite to ask and now she has been a widow for three years and the estate is still in probate---she has no idea of her financial status and stands to lose assets. While there are still two of you to talk about it, make sure you know what to do about paperwork, money stuff, and legal stuff. Some widows-to-be are afraid they will sound greedy so they avoid such discussions. But it is important to be a competent widow and not some helpless dope, and you will be be dealing with situations that are strange to you. You need information. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

RE: Losing my husband

by anntheresa on Thu Oct 11, 2012 12:18 PM

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Hi Inmom4, I lost my husband July 25th. I haven't been on line to discuss it, but when I read your letter I felt I must respond to you. To say it's difficult to watch your husband slowly slip away is an understatement.. It's the hardest thing you will ever do.my   huisband was at homeand we had hospice care(thank God for them). I know it sounds cold and calculating, but discuss funeral plans, make sure you're a beneficiary on life,savings,IRA's, change car titles to your name, etc.it will be difficult at first but both you and your husband will be relieved knowing that things are in order.When the good Lord takes him, take1 day at a time and look for support from beravement groups,every little bit of support helps.I know what you are going throughand I will keep youin my prayers. Anntheresa

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