So here is the deal, I acted as my best friends husbands caregiver, I love my friend and I did everything I could to try and help but I feel like I failed them both.
At best I'm socialy awkward, and from the moment my plane landed I bungled things up, I entered his hospital room and asked "How are you?" And things ended with me and her mother getting into a row because she is a rude snarky witch who cares nothing at all for my friend.
But that is neither here nor there, The whole thing lasted a month, from the time they found out he had cancer to the day she left my house after the funeral...
I provided the heft of his care since she is physicaly incapable of doing things like trasfers to and from a bed, her hubby was not a small guy, close to 330lbs at the end, a lot of it was water weight due to his kidneys shutting down after his chemo failed... Things started out fine, I got to know her husband and we would talk late at night when his meds wore off (They did not give him nearly enough meds through hospice.) But the day before he went unresponsive I was transfering him from the wheelchair to bed and he just collapsed on me. I swear I think I killed the man!
I know that is not true, but I feel like I did, and I find myself sitting in the dark sobbing that in trying my best to help I only helped in making him pass faster... It is illrational at best, I was told by the RN that he would have gone when he did regardless, however I can't stop myself from thinking "what if" Has anyone else had this type of experiance?
Hospice has someone for my friend to talk to but people like me we have to find someone on our own using our own money or insurance, neither of which I have.
I can't imagine what my friend is going through having lost her husband, but for me I'm having a hard time after watching him slip away a little at a time, and then dropping him and trying to be there to help his wife like I promised him I would after he passed.
I know my friend needs me, needs someone she trusts to talk to but I find myself praying that she does not call me... and that makes me feel even worse, here I am avoiding the person I care for and I am not sure why. I cared for her husband, I took care of making living arrangements for her after he passed, I delt with hospice, I made sure his body was treated with the best care because I did the cleaning and dressing because the RN was unwilling to do what my friend wanted in the way she wanted it done as these were his last wishes. I packed their apartment and moved it all so she would not have to and then brought her to my place so she could process without having a ton of people in her face.
Not once did I leave either of their sides, I stayed with his body until they took him away, and I stayed with her until she had to go home.
Yet I still feel as if I failed them in a profound way.
Am I crazy? I feel like the only one who has had to try and deal with these feelings, I'm not family so I don't count as a person who might need help in the eyes of hospice, and we are so young (30's) that noone I know has had to deal with something like this.
Even my husband can't understand why I have been in such a funk for the last few weeks. But he did not have to see any of it, he did not sit there fighting to make sure my friends were treated like people and not numbers, all while stopping up what any normal person should feel when faced with something like that.
Sorry to unload...