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by kerryfriend on Sat Dec 29, 2012 03:20 PM
This is the first time that I have posted here on the bereavement board. My story started on October 5, 2011 when my husband was diagnosed with stage IV Pancreatic cancer with mets to liver. He had a port put in and started chemo the first week in Nov. All was going good and everything was shrinking till July when we go the news that the chemo stopped working and the cancer had spread. He was still doing good though and we were doing lots of things on his bucket list. We were shocked when Oct 11, 2012 when he was put on hospice. Little did I know that a week and a day later my loving husband would be gone. I feel so empty and alone these days. I am so mad that this had to happen. October 19, 2012 changed my life forever. My husband was my best friend, lover and soul mate. There are days that I just would like to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. My daughter is a senior in high school and I am trying to keep it together for her. Even though he was her step dad she concidered him her dad. Everything in our home reminds me of him or some memory of him. I cry all the time. His clothes in the closet. Pictures on the wall. Laying in bed alone. I don't know that I will ever make it through all the pain I feel. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better. This coming from friends that have not been through this. I know that they are trying to help but no one knows the feelings and pain unless you have been through it. I don't know I just feel so alone.....
Thank you for listening and I pray for all of you and losing your loved ones.
by oakisland on Sun Dec 30, 2012 01:38 AM
You hang in there. We will never stop missing them, but we can look back on our lives together and smile. Nobody knows what it's like to lose what we lost. God will give us the strength to handle it.
by eternalife on Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:08 PM
OH my, I can hear your pain. Losing a husband is so difficult. My husband is dx with EC, stage iv, although the last scan shows no evidence of disease, I live with the possibility that I will be exactly where you are today... Are you getting some counsel? No one really can feel your feelings.. that is something that must be dealt with, a professional will help there. You will make it, remember God has shaped you and made you , you are one special gal, with talents all your own, with or without your husband... you can do this...
My heart aches for all caregivers who have been devastated by the big C, our lives have been altered.. but we will get through..
Chin up.... be strong.. we have no option B.
by eastwest on Mon Dec 31, 2012 03:24 PM
Dear Kerryfriend, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.
It's easy to say it will get better. Those who have not stood where we are can NOT realize what it is like. As I am getting closer to the 2 yr mark of losing Phil I don't know if it gets better or simply that the grief changes. I've gone from numbness to stabbing pain to acceptance in degrees. But life will never be the same without my best friend, lover and partner. I cry less, but still cry at times. I can smile now where I couldn't do that those first few months. So many things I miss sharing with him. I miss his guidance and listening and his gentleness. I miss his acceptance of who I am. Today I will try to be grateful for all that we had. Irene
by CelPB on Mon Dec 31, 2012 06:31 PM
I share your pain. Since I lost my husband Feb 11, 2012 to brain cancer GBM, I haven't been posting much on this board. He fought hard for almost 18 months. His pictures are still on the wall, his voice is still on my answering machine, and his clothes are still in the closet. I often find myself sitting in there looking up at his clothes. He hung them higher to maximize the space for me. I got through Christmas and Thanksgiving without him, but my children helped. I had his parents and my parents over for both holidays. And that helped too. It's hard to believe that he'd been gone for almost 11 months. It gets easier as time goes by. I miss him and talk to him everyday especially when I drive to work, but I don't cry everytime like before. And I stopped counting days and started counting months instead. I hope it will be that way for you too.
May the good memories comfort you through this difficult time.
Celeste - wife of Robert 08/1960 - 02/2012
by jaycc on Wed Jan 02, 2013 05:54 AM
No words can really describe the lost of our spouses. Similar to you I lost my husband Stage IV, EC, doing well, and then suddenly sick, also have high school kids.
Sometimes it feels like you are put on a grid, someone took out every other piece and then saids go on.
I find comfort on this discussion board, talking with people who have been through the same. Hang in there, take breaks when you can, try to go easy on yourself.
I like to think heaven and earth are not far apart. Love is stronger then any force and no disease can take that love away.
by Broken on Sun Jan 06, 2013 06:34 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Continue to post here on this site kerryfriend. You'll find many of us in the same perdictiment but at different levels of our grief & healing.
Loosing my husband 2 yrs. 5 months ago from tongue cancer, I've tried everything to combat this feeling of deep loss & pain after being married for 43 years. To this point, I've found nothing that romotely comes even close except for staying so very extremely busy that I don't even have time to think about it all. And I mean it all, the loss, the leading up to, and all his suffering he endured.
I've ripped everything off the walls & repainted, I've physically helped vinyl the outside of the house, the shead, scrapped & repainted the foundation, chipped all the caulk off the windows, re-caulked & cleaned the panes. What I've found is that after everything I could possibly do at home still left me with way too much time to think about it all. I retired in 2006 and found myself going back to work just to get out of the house. That has helped since I picked a job that keeps me so darned stressed & busy that when I come home I'm so darn mentally exhusted that all I can do is eat & go to sleep. How about that? What a life I have now. I'm still running from it all after 2 yrs. 5 months & guess I'll continue to do this until I die because I just can't accept it all still. I used to say "You Can't Keep A Good Women Down" when really it's "This Women Just Can't Accept It All Still". I know one day I will but just not right now I can't.
Posting on this site really does make you realize that you are not alone. You're not the only one in this world going through this sort of stuff. As raw as we can sound sometimes, as broken as some of us may sound with all of our confusion still, everyone understands exactly what we're going through. Even our warriors still fighting the fight understand us completely & know that we're not total nut cases. I used to think that I was the stronger of my late husband & I battling the battle until he passed & I've had two years to reminess of it all. Now I know he truly was the stronger one. Me, little old me, The Caregiver, had it all wrong. Little did I know that the rest of my life would be spent dealing with all the details of the past in my excellent memory bank. I jokenly request of God in my nightly prayers to just erase it all. I think I can deal with that better.
It is what it is. All a memory now. As this life passes me by, maybe one day I'll think to myself and ask if it was all a dream? By then I'll be so old that I'll probably respond with "Yes" it was all a dream.
In reality, you'll have good & you'll have bad days. They'll start with more bad than good & slowly revert to more good than bad until every day becomes very good. As for the time line, everyone is different & since this process & journey comes with no direction booklet that is totally unknown.
Just find what sort-of makes you feel good, delighted & happy for a moment & keep doing that until it all passes over. That is what I recommend to everyone.
We will heal no doubt in our own lifetime. We will feel, love & care once again. Just hold on tight as this is the longest roller-coster-ride you'll ever endure.
Today really feels like a total shock-wave day for me & I guess after reading the above post back it reflect that. I'm totally a meek soul but have been so rocked by loss that sometimes it comes out of me as the above reflects.
Sending you & all our cyber friends strength, prayers & hugs. May a brighter day be ahead for us all.
by MaggieHurt on Fri Oct 04, 2013 04:33 AM
I lost my husband one month ago. The pain is raw. I have been ripped in half. He suffered so much.
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