Angry at my brother. :(

My wife died of GBM two weeks ago  (31 yo, fought for 7 months), and today we viewed her body and cremated her.  Per her wishes, we did not have an open viewing, and just invited her parents, my parents, and her brothers.  It's what she wanted.  

Sadly, my parents could not make it because my brother and his wife had appointments in another city (1.5 hour flight) and needed them to babysit his children every day for the past four days, which he arranged with them about a month ago.  The thing is, we all know his appointments can be changed (him and his wife are students!), and our gut feel is it is part vacation.  We had a preference for today since this was the first day we could legally do so, and we did not want her body sitting in a fridge for an extra four days, which is the first day my parents wouldn't have to babysit. The cremation was set a week and a half ago, before they left for their meeting, whatever that meeting is -- they're cagey about the specifics. 

Anyhow, I find myself incredibly angry with my brother over this.   We've never been close, but now he feels actively mean where his actions have kept my parents away (they live just ~8 hours drive away, near him) during what are truly the saddest weeks of my life.  My friends have held fast and are wonderful, setting aside everything (changing flights, vacations, etc.) to spend time with me.  My parents have made it clear they want to do the same... they just can't leave their grandkids home alone. 

Is this something that I need to reconcile?  I've never been close to my brother since he made my childhood hell, but now I feel it's time to cut the link completely. 

Next week we have a public funeral (with her ashes) that my parents can make, which will be great since I've missed them greatly these past two weeks. My brother, of course, is not coming.  You see, he has these important classes....

What do I do?  

-just gettin along...

Mine may be a minority opinion but I would write your brother off and spend not a day worrying or giving thought to him anymore.  I think family is overrated in general.  Ask yourself if you would hang around with your brother if you weren't related to him.  The trick though is you have to truly not care and think of him as non-existent.  If you can't do that, it's hopeless, and in fact, you will always be dangling on the end of his puppet strings.

On Jan 05, 2013 5:48 AM gettinalong wrote:

My wife died of GBM two weeks ago  (31 yo, fought for 7 months), and today we viewed her body and cremated her.  Per her wishes, we did not have an open viewing, and just invited her parents, my parents, and her brothers.  It's what she wanted.  

Sadly, my parents could not make it because my brother and his wife had appointments in another city (1.5 hour flight) and needed them to babysit his children every day for the past four days, which he arranged with them about a month ago.  The thing is, we all know his appointments can be changed (him and his wife are students!), and our gut feel is it is part vacation.  We had a preference for today since this was the first day we could legally do so, and we did not want her body sitting in a fridge for an extra four days, which is the first day my parents wouldn't have to babysit. The cremation was set a week and a half ago, before they left for their meeting, whatever that meeting is -- they're cagey about the specifics. 

Anyhow, I find myself incredibly angry with my brother over this.   We've never been close, but now he feels actively mean where his actions have kept my parents away (they live just ~8 hours drive away, near him) during what are truly the saddest weeks of my life.  My friends have held fast and are wonderful, setting aside everything (changing flights, vacations, etc.) to spend time with me.  My parents have made it clear they want to do the same... they just can't leave their grandkids home alone. 

Is this something that I need to reconcile?  I've never been close to my brother since he made my childhood hell, but now I feel it's time to cut the link completely. 

Next week we have a public funeral (with her ashes) that my parents can make, which will be great since I've missed them greatly these past two weeks. My brother, of course, is not coming.  You see, he has these important classes....

What do I do?  

-just gettin along...

First of all you have my deepest sympathies. I lost the love of my life a year and half ago, the battle of the disease and the loneliness and hurt of the loss is uncomparable to anything I have lived. Anyhow, I have a sister that can be very difficult and in Kevin's last week of life when she blew up at me and another sister just outside his room I swore I would wipe my hands of her forever. But life has a way of changing things, I no longer reached out to her and probably 6 months after he passed she came around and seems to be a different person. Anger? What good is that, it only works on you and not the person you are angry with, so I would say let it roll down your back for now and maybe someday things will all come back together. I can never understand how, at such a miserable time that your brother could not put his stuff on hold for that moment, and what would tear me up, is his decision kept your parents from being there for you. That's sad, but life has a way of working out. Be strong and remember, anger will only make you miserable.

Be strong and best wishes to you!

Joyce

Sorry about the loss of your wife, she was much too young to go.

I am also sorry your're parents were not able to be with you at such a stressful time in your life.

Your feelings of anger toward your brother is easy to understand......but, animosity will eat up your insides!

Why not just totally avoid any contact with him...  His actions will eventually come to light with him and he will ask your forgiveness.  At such time, it would be best for you to forgive him; even if you are not the closest of brothers.

A person cannot ever be happy as long as there is animosity in their heart.

Blessings,

B

Gettingalong,

Those that respect YOU and YOUR WIFE will be there, those that don't won't. If your bother has been a sore spot in your life, it is time to move on and treat him more as an acquaintance then a brother. Unfortunately many families have brothers and sisters that are like this, including me, one of my sisters.

My Best to You and Everyone Here

Hey man, how you doing today? It's been a few weeks since your post. Are you eating, showering and sleeping? Going to work? Getting some fresh air, maybe some exercise?  I hope so.  How did you handle your brother? Home is where the harm is (family can hurt you worse than anybody else).

I've cut ties with family members of my own, so I get it. Whatever you did then, or decide to do in the future, is cool, because you have to take care of yourself, especially when your fam-damily doesn't pick up the slack.  I heard a great thing on NPR on Sunday - the show is "On Being" and the guest was Kevin Cling. Maybe you'd like the podcast. Anyway this guy knows a little something about trouble and loss. He says he thinks telling the story of our loss helps. Maybe try it now? Grief has its own lifetime, btw. There's no 'normal' time allowed for it. Sometimes we're just numb for awhile first. Anyway, this whole group is here if you want to check in...

On Jan 05, 2013 5:48 AM gettinalong wrote:

My wife died of GBM two weeks ago  (31 yo, fought for 7 months), and today we viewed her body and cremated her.  Per her wishes, we did not have an open viewing, and just invited her parents, my parents, and her brothers.  It's what she wanted.  

Sadly, my parents could not make it because my brother and his wife had appointments in another city (1.5 hour flight) and needed them to babysit his children every day for the past four days, which he arranged with them about a month ago.  The thing is, we all know his appointments can be changed (him and his wife are students!), and our gut feel is it is part vacation.  We had a preference for today since this was the first day we could legally do so, and we did not want her body sitting in a fridge for an extra four days, which is the first day my parents wouldn't have to babysit. The cremation was set a week and a half ago, before they left for their meeting, whatever that meeting is -- they're cagey about the specifics. 

Anyhow, I find myself incredibly angry with my brother over this.   We've never been close, but now he feels actively mean where his actions have kept my parents away (they live just ~8 hours drive away, near him) during what are truly the saddest weeks of my life.  My friends have held fast and are wonderful, setting aside everything (changing flights, vacations, etc.) to spend time with me.  My parents have made it clear they want to do the same... they just can't leave their grandkids home alone. 

Is this something that I need to reconcile?  I've never been close to my brother since he made my childhood hell, but now I feel it's time to cut the link completely. 

Next week we have a public funeral (with her ashes) that my parents can make, which will be great since I've missed them greatly these past two weeks. My brother, of course, is not coming.  You see, he has these important classes....

What do I do?  

-just gettin along...

I am very sorry for your loss my friend. I would hope in the 7 months your wife fought for her life your parents were physically there to support you and your beloved wife. I will also say what I have learned in my life the hard way.....you reap what you sow.......you pray about this and then let it go. You grieve your beloved in peace and don't let such a distraction cause you to waste another moment of energy thinking about your brother. The Lord does not sleep and your brothers day will come especially if his intentions were done on purpose to hurt you. Again .....to your brother......you reap what you sow!!!!!!! God Bless

Well Put!!!

On Mar 16, 2013 8:37 AM fxrchopper2003 wrote:

Well Put!!!

Thank you my friend. I am confused does your husband or son have melanoma and at what stage is it. Thanks for your reply.