At wit's end

Wife has GBM IV brain tumor.  She is essentially abusive to our 10 and 13 year old daughters, refuses physical and psychological therapy as they suggest she change her attitude and work on her physical health and mental attitude, and her idea of life is sitting on the couch, ordering us around, buying stuff on-line we cannot afford, watching TV, talking on the phone complaining about how we treat her if we do not cater to her every whim, overeating and abusing us.

Can find both no palatable solutions whatsoever after discussing with numerous resources.  

Do I give my kids up to a familiy member to give them a better life...which would likely kill me as trying to be a good father and friend to them is the only thing that keeps me going through this at all? 

Ask myself every day if this will emotionally ruin my children and if I will ever be happy again.  Doctor just told her that contrary to diagnosis 4 years ago when they gave her 4 months she could be around for a very long time.  Will I be taking care of this woman for the next 30 years who acts like this?  Do I wait until the kids have left and then just quit my job and when I cannot take care of her then does the state help?  Is that too late for my kids.  AM I being protective of them...or selfish?

Therapist tells me my feelings our normal.  Yeah.  Okay.

I told lawyer that I did not think divorce was an option as she would lose my health insurance and her care is incredibly expensive...and I do not want her to die as a result.  Lawyer said judge likely would not grant me divorce anyway as I would be unable financially to afford caring for her outside of my home so she must remain my responsibility.

Sorry to vent for this long.  Just got yelled at again for a perceived slight by me when I told a business colleague on the phone I had already eaten so I could not go to dinner with a client.  She wanted to know why I did not say no to dinner because I was with her.  I had just eaten with her, but apparently said no to my colleague incorrectly.  I know...sounds stupid.  Constantly being harassed for stupid things HURTS.

To be honest, I hardly expect a solution here, but if venting helps at all I will try it.

I welcome any thoughts and apologize for the ranting nature of this e-mail.  Very tough couple of weeks during which she had brain surgery and rehab over several weeks and showed no mercy to us after we essentially put everything on hold to support her in hospitals.  We had held out some hope that doctor's essentially removing her "death sentence" would help her redirect her energies and motivations and that hope was dashed in a big way.

Sounds like you really need a break. Here a few suggestions, I hope they help.

Is there a trusted friend or family member who could take the girls for a month or two to give them a vactation? Best if they could stay in the same school to cut down on changes in their lives. That way they can get a respite from theirs mom's demands, and you won't have to worry about them for a little while. Maybe if your wife sees that she could loose the girls because of her behaviour she will go for the psychological therapy.

If your wife is buying stuff you cannot afford, you could put a freeze on your credit cards so they cannot be used any more. Also put a freeze on your banking accounts for online purchases or have her name removed from the accounts. Then give her a loaded card with an amount of mad money she can spend every month, but when its gone, its gone. That way she will still have some money she can spend but won't be damaging your finances.

If you need a card then get one in your name and keep it at work or somewhere she cannot get to it. Maybe even start a seperate account in another bank and have the paperwork sent to your work address, or that of a trusted friend.

Is a nursing home possible, even if just for a short stay? Or how about those friends she complains to coming over and taking care of her for a couple of days?

Try to think of short term solutions so you don't get overwhelmed.  There are very few things you need to deal with in terms of years. I hope this helps.

So sorry to hear what you are going thru but your children and yes you too don't deserve being treated so badly.  You really need to sit down and try to talk with her telling her what she is doing.  If she won't follow what the doctors are telling her and take the medication needed, then my only suggestion would be to leave her.  As far as a judge not granting a divorce I find that hard to believe.  I know of many who have divorced their spouses who were and are fighting this horrible disease.   She could still be on your insurance even though you are divorced. 

I agree with the things that SculptorM said you could try.  Being sick with cancer doesn't give her the right to treat you or the children as she is doing and Family Services could step in.  She could very well harm the children mentally for their whole lives.   I know that brain cancer or for that matter any type of cancer can change a person's personality but brain cancer is the worse.

Wishing the best to you and your family.

She cannot be on my insurance if divorced...I checked.  Also, according to family lawyer, state would mandate care alimony for her that exceeds my capability to take care of me and my kids on what is left.  Would mean I have to stop contributing to my retirement account [no pension] and rule out retiring in my lifetime. 

Alternative given was to move her into home addition and file restraining order against her so she could not interact with kids without permission. 

My family 9 hours away...her's six hours.

Scared to death if I involve Family Services they say, well, cannot really help you with her but we would be glad to move your kids to a stable home. 

 

Have talked with her repeatedly about what she is doing.  So has her family and mine, and her therapists.  According to her we are all stupid obnoxious &^%$#@ for treating her this way and any discussion in this vein prompts an eye roll and immedaitely proceeds to yelling, screaming and cursing if we are family only.  If one of her friends is in the mix she pretends to listen and makes it clear that person is simply wrong after they leave.  She actually has lots of people convinced she is the cooler head here, but every person who has stayed with us for a few days quickly realizes that most of her stories about us are outright lies and they stop talking to her and start talking to me, after apologizing for thinking I was a jerk for so long.

Like I said, love any thoughts in case you think of something I have not.  Do plan on involving family services now and risking my nightmare scenario.  Don't feel I have a choice and I can only hope they can help.

Oh, and divorce would also mean I essentially would need my parent's help paying the bills.  Meant to include that above.  Retirement account might sound petty, but how many would like to accept they will work until they die?

I struggle with these sort of questions every day.

More stupid questions...Am I stuck with never having a romantic relationship again?  Both her and my family actually told me they thought I should get a girlfiend.  What the heck do I have to offer someone?  No baggage here!  Anyone dumb enough to want to date me, I might question their judgement myself.  I am in no position to offer anyone much more than stress...and what does it say to my kids when their married father has a girlfriend?

Sorry to be such a downer.  I am kind of hitting bottom right now, and it is coming out in this depressing dialogue.

behavioral changes such as the theseare probably the number one concern of mine as a brain cancer patient.I feel like telling my wife to put a bullet in my head if I get to the point where I am unbearable. The only other thing I could think of is being forced to take mood altering meds, is there a way that can be done?

Is your wife on steroids because those will bring out a nasty side that even the most loving calm people will lose and become nasty. Is she on anything like lorazapam, anti-anxiety drug/anti-depressant, those will do wonders if she takes them and if she refuses to, believe me, a discussion with her doc about it, if he is conserned about the whole situation will find words to make her want to and I think with children involved should be trying that option. Good luck to you in ths journey, I lost my spouse 1 1/2 years ago and still come here for support, and to put my 2 cents in, in hopes that I can help someone from my journey and believe me many were here for me upon his diagnosis in early 2010 and don't know how I would have made it through without this site, so you are  in a good spot here for advice and support.

Heavens, don't worry about ranting or venting! That's what this site is here for. And writing it down gets a lot of it out of your head. Sculptors advice was excellent. Once she becomes a danger, and this includes psychologically, to her children or you, there are ways to take her away from them. I don't know exactly what agency steps in but I've known of people being put in custody because they are dangerous to others. The symptoms you've listed would get me on the phone (at work) to her oncologist in a second. Ask the doctor if he knows of an interventional option, as the situation at home, especially with the kids, is extremely unhealthy, bordering on dangerous. He's got to know of someone to start with. Vent anytime! Aurelia5