Partners even more likely than survivors to experience fear and worry over long term, study finds
by mkar520 on Tue Jan 29, 2013 02:53 PM
My FIL was diagnoised a month ago with stage 4 lung cancer. Doctors have told him that chemo will only buy him some time, and they didn't even want to give him a number. They all agree, he is terminal.
Meanwhile, he has moved in with myself and my husband, because he can no longer care for himself (trouble walking). Hubby works away two weeks, then is off one week. He just got the FMLA papers signed, but has no plans to take off work other than the ocassional doctors appointment. I am a teacher, and come home every night. A friend has moved in as well to care for my FIL during the day while I am at work. But once I come home, I am responsible for him. My SIL tries to come out when she doesn't have work, but that's every few days. My MIL has to be told she needs to come out or she won't.
I feel like out of this family, the people who's lives have changed the most are my FIL's, myself, and our friend who cares for him during the day. I am finding myself frustrated and am very angry at my in-laws. I am not related to this man, and prior to his diagnosis, we spent little time together and while I do not dislike him, I never really liked him either.
Why do they all get to pretend that nothing is wrong the majority of the time but we spend every day in a hell that is watching someone die?
by SarahGrey on Wed Jan 30, 2013 02:43 AM
Hmm... frankly, i think because they are ******** and you are not. ;) i believe in karma...
but yes, you have every right to be frustrated and it really isnt fair. could your husband talk to them about helping out more?..
by mkar520 on Wed Jan 30, 2013 04:53 PM
He has talked to them, but honestly, he is a part of this problem too!
Even when he's home from work, he continues about his normal activities that take him out of the house. I know we need our own normalcy, but why should myself or our friend continue to be stuck at home caring for their father while they get to live their *normal* lives?
And my husband still doesn't want to accept that his father is terminal and has less than a year (with chemo) and he's afraid and so avoids spending time with his dad.
And all this only makes my FIL harder for us to deal with. He is always asking "when is so-and-so coming over again?" and he's a grouchy old man as it is!
by SarahGrey on Wed Jan 30, 2013 07:32 PM
oh wow, i'm sorry... silly question, but have you openly discussed this with your husband? maybe he doesnt realize what he's doing? you're supposed to be his wife and equal, not a caregiver. like you said, you have a job too... :( maybe try contacting a local hospice facility for help? maybe your FIL would 'benefit from staying at a hospice facility'?... he could get the care he needs and give you some sanity. or, at least you could have in-home care and someone can visit, giving you some personal time and a break?..
by betsylayne123 on Wed Jan 30, 2013 09:50 PM
I would contact his primary care doctor and get a social worker involved with ideas or names of Hospice faciltiy's. I have had several friends who have done the same for family members and it is so much better for everyone, including the patient. This is really a unhealthy situation for you and you will become unhealthy yourself trying to deal with it. Good Luck!
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