Lost and afraid

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Lost and afraid

by Brikumy on Wed Jan 30, 2013 06:15 AM

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Recently my husband (46) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November 2012. By December, he got the Whipple procedure done and now he's starting chemo. At first it was a total shock and I found myself asking god ,"why me?" I cried and cried.... What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? Who's going to help me? Everyone we knew sent their well wishes and some turned the other way. I would go to work on days I wasn't playing super woman (dr appts...etc) I'm 28 and I tell myself I "can" do this.... It's been rough. You see he and I have no kids together. He has a son (19) from a previous marriage, who does not live with us. My family lives in California and his too. We both live in Nevada and work at five star resorts. Tonight has been very emotional because I find myself lost and afraid of losing him. He's my world and If I could take away the pain I would. Friends say they are a call away, they don't understand. Work was a distraction to take my mind away.... But it too cannot ease my sadness. We are staying positive about his outcome on chemo and soon radiation therapy. But I know the look in his eyes and the pain he hides.... It breaks my heart. Please share any advices to help me. I know I'm not alone but I'd like to share "everyone's" thoughts... Suggestions. Thank you

RE: Lost and afraid

by Dlynn1210 on Wed Jan 30, 2013 02:33 PM

Quote | Reply

On Jan 30, 2013 6:15 AM Brikumy wrote:

Recently my husband (46) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November 2012. By December, he got the Whipple procedure done and now he's starting chemo. At first it was a total shock and I found myself asking god ,"why me?" I cried and cried.... What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? Who's going to help me? Everyone we knew sent their well wishes and some turned the other way. I would go to work on days I wasn't playing super woman (dr appts...etc) I'm 28 and I tell myself I "can" do this.... It's been rough. You see he and I have no kids together. He has a son (19) from a previous marriage, who does not live with us. My family lives in California and his too. We both live in Nevada and work at five star resorts. Tonight has been very emotional because I find myself lost and afraid of losing him. He's my world and If I could take away the pain I would. Friends say they are a call away, they don't understand. Work was a distraction to take my mind away.... But it too cannot ease my sadness. We are staying positive about his outcome on chemo and soon radiation therapy. But I know the look in his eyes and the pain he hides.... It breaks my heart. Please share any advices to help me. I know I'm not alone but I'd like to share "everyone's" thoughts... Suggestions. Thank you

 

The shock you were, and most likely still are feeling is perfectly normal. I realize that the world as you know it has turned upside down but this is happening to you AND your husband! His role as head of the household – the provider – has just been stripped away from him. He is now in the battle of his life – for his life and that is where your focus has to be. 

I read an article while I was undergoing treatment that was written by a young woman who was battling cancer. She wrote “Why NOT me”! She wrote “Based on the number of people diagnosed with cancer what makes me so special – nothing”. You asked “what am I going to do?” You are going to be there for your husband in the months ahead because that is what marriage is all about. When you ask yourself, “How am I going to do this?” you have to focus on the one that this is really happening to – the man who you say is “my world”. He is the one who will be undergoing a grueling treatment. Don’t be concerned with who is going to help you – you have to be the one who will be there to help your husband (he is the one with cancer). I would imagine that since he is several years older than you, he has always looked after you (I lost my first husband to cancer many years ago – a man that was several years older than me and who had always been my rock). This is something your husband has to deal with – he must focus on his own health rather than how you are handling his illness. He will need every bit of strength he has to fight cancer and will need your total support.

There will be times you feel like screaming and you can come on Cancer Compass because we understand – but you will have to release here and then be there to support your husband. I have been a caregiver to a man I loved and I have been the cancer patient so I can speak from both viewpoints. Most people don’t know what to say to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, or to their caregiver, so they avoid them. Talk to those who you are close to – most likely friends since your family does not live close to you. Tell them you are scared and need some support. It is times like this that you find out who your true friends are rather than those who appear to be a friend (what I call a fair weather friend – when times are good, they are there to share the good times but when times are not that good – they disappear). I am confident that you will find a strength that you don’t now feel you have because you will need it. My grandmother used to say that it is the battles in life that make us strong – and she was absolutely correct. You will draw upon an inner strength that you would not have known you had if not for your husband’s cancer diagnosis. We wish you the best. 

Diana

P.S. If you go to the pancreatic cancer section, you will find it very useful in the days ahead. You will be interacting with people who are battling pancreatic cancer or who are a caregiver for a loved one with pancreatic cancer. There are new treatments being developed every day but God is still the best medicine so ask Him to watch over your husband's treatment and for the strength you will need to be there for your husband.    

RE: Lost and afraid

by Brikumy on Sat Feb 02, 2013 07:17 AM

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On Jan 30, 2013 2:33 PM Dlynn1210 wrote:

On Jan 30, 2013 6:15 AM Brikumy wrote:

Recently my husband (46) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November 2012. By December, he got the Whipple procedure done and now he's starting chemo. At first it was a total shock and I found myself asking god ,"why me?" I cried and cried.... What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? Who's going to help me? Everyone we knew sent their well wishes and some turned the other way. I would go to work on days I wasn't playing super woman (dr appts...etc) I'm 28 and I tell myself I "can" do this.... It's been rough. You see he and I have no kids together. He has a son (19) from a previous marriage, who does not live with us. My family lives in California and his too. We both live in Nevada and work at five star resorts. Tonight has been very emotional because I find myself lost and afraid of losing him. He's my world and If I could take away the pain I would. Friends say they are a call away, they don't understand. Work was a distraction to take my mind away.... But it too cannot ease my sadness. We are staying positive about his outcome on chemo and soon radiation therapy. But I know the look in his eyes and the pain he hides.... It breaks my heart. Please share any advices to help me. I know I'm not alone but I'd like to share "everyone's" thoughts... Suggestions. Thank you

 

The shock you were, and most likely still are feeling is perfectly normal. I realize that the world as you know it has turned upside down but this is happening to you AND your husband! His role as head of the household – the provider – has just been stripped away from him. He is now in the battle of his life – for his life and that is where your focus has to be. 

I read an article while I was undergoing treatment that was written by a young woman who was battling cancer. She wrote “Why NOT me”! She wrote “Based on the number of people diagnosed with cancer what makes me so special – nothing”. You asked “what am I going to do?” You are going to be there for your husband in the months ahead because that is what marriage is all about. When you ask yourself, “How am I going to do this?” you have to focus on the one that this is really happening to – the man who you say is “my world”. He is the one who will be undergoing a grueling treatment. Don’t be concerned with who is going to help you – you have to be the one who will be there to help your husband (he is the one with cancer). I would imagine that since he is several years older than you, he has always looked after you (I lost my first husband to cancer many years ago – a man that was several years older than me and who had always been my rock). This is something your husband has to deal with – he must focus on his own health rather than how you are handling his illness. He will need every bit of strength he has to fight cancer and will need your total support.

There will be times you feel like screaming and you can come on Cancer Compass because we understand – but you will have to release here and then be there to support your husband. I have been a caregiver to a man I loved and I have been the cancer patient so I can speak from both viewpoints. Most people don’t know what to say to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, or to their caregiver, so they avoid them. Talk to those who you are close to – most likely friends since your family does not live close to you. Tell them you are scared and need some support. It is times like this that you find out who your true friends are rather than those who appear to be a friend (what I call a fair weather friend – when times are good, they are there to share the good times but when times are not that good – they disappear). I am confident that you will find a strength that you don’t now feel you have because you will need it. My grandmother used to say that it is the battles in life that make us strong – and she was absolutely correct. You will draw upon an inner strength that you would not have known you had if not for your husband’s cancer diagnosis. We wish you the best. 

Diana

P.S. If you go to the pancreatic cancer section, you will find it very useful in the days ahead. You will be interacting with people who are battling pancreatic cancer or who are a caregiver for a loved one with pancreatic cancer. There are new treatments being developed every day but God is still the best medicine so ask Him to watch over your husband's treatment and for the strength you will need to be there for your husband.    

Diana... Thank you four your encouraging advice. Yes, I will seek more about his cancer on here as we'll as how to deal with him. God has always been the #1 healer throughout this battle. Yes, he is my rock and the main head of household. It's hard to imagine anyone going through cancer. Bless you for being a survivor and caretaker. K

RE: Lost and afraid

by amydibello on Sat Feb 02, 2013 09:11 AM

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dear one,

the love of my life...my fiance and best friend has brain cancer. He is and has been the light of my life and father to my children. Our lives are upside down now and we were having the time of our lives prior to dx...Luckily, we are faithful and believe God has master plan for us, but we struggle to soldier on every day, knowing all the while that every day is a blessing. Live in the moment, the blessing the now...for that is all any of us have and be sure that God is GREAT and healing takes many forms. I am with you in spirit, sweet child.

prayers and healing coming your way,

Amy

RE: Lost and afraid

by Brikumy on Tue Feb 12, 2013 05:54 AM

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Amy.... Thank you for your kind words. Bless you and your family and God will heal the pain your fiancée is going through.

RE: Lost and afraid

by Aoife on Tue Feb 12, 2013 07:12 AM

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I am a 6 year survivor of oesophageal cancer but I was 32 when diagnosed and my husband and I (who was also 32 then) married 2 weeks after chemo and then I had the surgery.  We both really wanted children but my husband gave up his chance of children for me as we knew that me surviving the surgery alone would be tough - it was also harder as he is adopted.

Well we have a 34 and 20 month old and I am still here (they had to be born by c-section but they are here).

I also am a type 1 diabetic so life is interesting...

RE: Lost and afraid

by Brikumy on Tue Feb 12, 2013 02:42 PM

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Amazing! I'm so happy to hear that you are blessed with surviving and being able to bear children. We tried to freeze his before chemo. Unfortunately, due to trauma and stress.... He was unable to produce any to freeze. I want children, but I'm not losing faith for his survival which is my first priority. God bless you and your family. Thank you for the uplifting thoughts.... And strength.

Carolynbmaes Carolynbmaes
(Inactive)

RE: Lost and afraid

by Carolynbmaes on Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:25 PM

Quote | Reply

On Jan 30, 2013 6:15 AM Brikumy wrote:

Recently my husband (46) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November 2012. By December, he got the Whipple procedure done and now he's starting chemo. At first it was a total shock and I found myself asking god ,"why me?" I cried and cried.... What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? Who's going to help me? Everyone we knew sent their well wishes and some turned the other way. I would go to work on days I wasn't playing super woman (dr appts...etc) I'm 28 and I tell myself I "can" do this.... It's been rough. You see he and I have no kids together. He has a son (19) from a previous marriage, who does not live with us. My family lives in California and his too. We both live in Nevada and work at five star resorts. Tonight has been very emotional because I find myself lost and afraid of losing him. He's my world and If I could take away the pain I would. Friends say they are a call away, they don't understand. Work was a distraction to take my mind away.... But it too cannot ease my sadness. We are staying positive about his outcome on chemo and soon radiation therapy. But I know the look in his eyes and the pain he hides.... It breaks my heart. Please share any advices to help me. I know I'm not alone but I'd like to share "everyone's" thoughts... Suggestions. Thank you
it may not be today ,and it may not be tomorrow--but someday you'll be thankful for the very moments that made you hurt the most ,for its your sorrow that will lead you to HIS love,and your suffering that will bring you to HIS grace.Were it not be for them ,you'd continue to wander blindly through your wastland of self sufficiency and pretense,thinking you were flying while all the time .....you were falling..........my beloved you are very young and we serve a soveign God and on days you cannot walk Our LORD carries you. God is always there to carry me for i am tired and worn out . In Christ, Carolyn
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