Need Advice

6 Posts | Page(s): 1 

Need Advice

by Mikeysgirl on Sat Feb 02, 2013 06:49 PM

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My BF of 2-1/2 years just completed chemo after being dx with Stage3 colon cancer a year ago. I just found out that "scar tissue" on his lung is suspicious and the Dr. wants to do a biopsy. My BF is very scared to say the least. Two weeks ago we were very much in love and talked about eventually getting married..I was his "beautiful blond ball and chain". Three days later, he broke things off with me and as of 3 days ago there is no contact between us. We have had two conversations. The first began with him telling me he hated me and ended with how we would combine 2 houses if we got married. The second included him actually starting to call the police on me for trespassing and being at his house. When I got up to leave, he stopped me. After listening to how awful I am and how much he hates me for an hour I got up to leave. He stopped me twice, did I want something to drink (no) and then again did I want to see his progress on a small remodeling project (no). When I left his house, I believed things were thru and I would not see him again...his decision. Then I get a txt from him, apologizing, saying he is not worth my tears, I deserve someone better and good Bye. I finally responded that I did still love him, I thought he was worth it but realized he did not feel the same about me. I wished him well if he decided to proceed with his biopsy. Over the next 4 hours he sent me about 10-12 texts, including how much he loves me, misses me, that he was lying when he said all the mean things about me, was trying to make me hate him so I would get over him.....at one point I mentioned that I had car problems on my way home from his house, he wanted to know why I had not called him for help...(Duh...). The texts ended with him asking me if I still thought he was worth fighting for...I said Yes, and have not heard another thing from him. I am so confused, hurt, worried about him...I am the closest person to him and the only one who knows about the needed biopsy. His best friends have confirmed that he very much is in love with me...and that he has not told them about the biopsy. When he was dx last year originally, he swore me to secrecy that I not tell his friends, so they did not know he had been in the hospital and had surgery until after he got home. He also did not tell his family until after he was home. What do I do for him, for me?. I sent him a letter telling him how much I loved him, would be there with and for him whatever the outcome was, and that I wanted as much time as he would have to be with him, be it 5 days or 50 years. I also told him though that I had to respect his decision to keep me out of his life since he was no longer in contact with me. I know he still loves me and this reaction is just from fear, but I am still scared, confused, and mostly worried about him. When I saw him he was "drinking his dinner". What if anything can I do?

RE: Need Advice

by lolis33 on Sun Feb 03, 2013 12:42 AM

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Oh my gosh...there's so much going on here!

Have you been with him to see any doctors? oncologists?  

Personally I couldn't handle the "flip-flop" game he plays.  From what you've shared it looks like he doesn't like going through this experience alone but is VERY particular on who knows about his cancer struggle and exactly WHAT they will know.  Sort of control-freaky too with that and with his affective dealings with you.  I'd step back for awhile and let him 'calm down' or hopefully reflect on how he wants to venture forward in a more reasonable manner.

This is all strictly my opinion and don't mean to upset you or anyone reading this.

RE: Need Advice

by Mikeysgirl on Sun Feb 03, 2013 02:53 AM

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I am not upset or offended at all. Just really confused and struggling with how to help him. I appreciate any insight, opinions, experiance...I am very new to this. I did not go to any of the Dr. appts with him. I offered but he said it was not necessary (but he is hurt that I didn't insist on being there) I was the only person who knew he was in the hospital, and he was admitted thru the ER. Once he began chemo, he stayed totally by himself. He worked thru the treatment but says he stayed in his office as much as possible (germs..). He did chemo 3 days a week, every two weeks. On those days he had the "pump", I did not see him at all. He went home and went to bed, saying, he did not want anyone to see him with the pack/pump. I know he doesn't want to go thru this alone, but then he pushes away the only person he does / did want to go thru it with him. This flip-flop thing is making me crazy. His friends have said they have not heard from him for the same two weeks. So he is basically staying home every night with his liquid dinner. I agree with stepping back,(also don't have much choice), and giving him time to be able to think a little more rationally. Thanks for your thoughts, they are appreciated!

RE: Need Advice

by Mikeysgirl on Sun Feb 03, 2013 02:56 AM

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I did take him to and from appts, getting port put in, any time he did need help, I was there.

RE: Need Advice

by Samuelly on Sun Feb 03, 2013 04:12 AM

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Mikeysgirl

He loves you, he just hates you seeing him as "weak" and this crappy illness, in his eyes, makes him weak!  A couple (married for years) just went thru a skin cancer scare.  The husband wouldn't even let his wife go to his appts with him.  He wouldn't discuss anything to do with his cancer with her at all!  She had no idea what was going on with him either physically or mentally he totally shut her out!!  Sounds to me like your guy is trying to shut you out to shield you from what may become a bad situation.  You can bet that if his biopsy is negative, he will be CRAWLING back to you begging for your forgiveness.  unfortunately, if you go forward with your relationship, what happens the next time a spot shows up??  I think that you need to think long and hard as to whether this is a relationship you want to persue!  If you do, then a very intense discussion on what a relationship is (both the good and bad) needs to be addressed with him.  Because at the moment, this doesn't bode well for a future relationship! 

Good luck!

RE: Need Advice

by Mikeysgirl on Sun Feb 03, 2013 11:15 AM

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Samuelly, Thank you for the insight, your words make sense. He IS the type of person who CANNOT be seen as weak. From what others are saying about the effects of the chemo, I think he was shielding me from a lot!. Since only one cell was found out of all the lymph nodes that were checked and no spots (mets?) anywhere, chemo was more of an option, preventative in nature. We discussed whether he should go thru with it. He was not sure he wanted to and I encouraged him to do it, just in case...I know I was surprised when he told me about the need for the biopsy, it must have come as a shock to him. Since survival rates are only in terms of 5 years on google, he has it in his mind that in a best case scenario, he only has 5 years from the time of the dx at best. Believe me, if he does decide to come "crawling" back either because the biopsy is negative or out of desperation because he can't do it all on his own, a serious discussion WILL be held. If we are to move forward in this relationship I will expect / insist on being more involved in the whole realm of things. I was always willing to in the past, but let him put me on the sidelines. I really think that is what he desperately wants, but because he cannot be weak, in any part of his life, than he pushes back with the same fervor / desperation that he secretly needs to have me more involved. I can't begin to know what goes thru the mind of someone who has been dx with this disease, so I have to rely on the experience / knowledge of others. Thank you for your insight!
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