Support

Hi, I'm new here. Cancer affects me in 2 ways: I'm a 27 yr old kidney cancer survivor, which is nearly unheard of in my age group. After having my kidney and several ribs removed, I'm completely cancer free. However, my father, 57, has just been diagnosed as terminal with stage 4 cancer of the esophagus and stomach. Here is my question to everyone: when someone knows they only have a few months to live, how do you support them emotionally? What I mean is, my father is going through all the stages, anger, sadness, depression, etc. How do I help him through these last few months of pain and anguish? My worst fear is to have his final days be filled with sadness and depression; I would like him to leave at peace. Being geographically distant is not helpful either. Can anyone help a loving daughter who just wants to see her wonderful father deal emotionally with the inevitable? Thank you so much...

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about your father. I have colon cancer and have been fighting this since Nov. of 2000. So far I am doing well, but who knows? I've thought about what I'd want if I was told I was terminal, and it would be to have my family around and to make sure that I took care of my personal affairs. I realize you live a distance from your father, but would it be possible for you to take some time off to stay with him? I would just do the things that he likes to do, if he's capable. I knew a woman who was dying, and Christmas was her favorite holiday, so her kids set up a small-decorated tree for her, and put on music, and had a Christmas party. Is your family involved with a hospice program? They can be a great help for families. It's hard to watch someone you love fade away, and you probably could use some support too. If it were my dad I'd ask him what he wants. I never even got to say goodbye to my dad, or my father-in-law. I think the time he has left is precious, and try to make the most of it. It's hard for someone who doesn't know your dad to be able to say what's right or wrong. I will remember you in my prayers.

Take Care.

Julie C.

Hi Julie...
Thanks so much for getting back to me! I definitely appreciate it. I'm so incredibly sorry to hear what you're going through. I know, as a 27 year old with kidney cancer (in remission at this point) I completely understand the utter turmoil of emotions. In answer to your questions, yes, he is involved with hospice, which is such a wonderful organization. They are arranging his burial affairs, etc, but I'm still the executor of his estate (I'm a financial/estate planner). At this point, he's not capable of leaving the house, and obviously, I just recently moved away so I'm not able of taking him anywhere for his enjoyment. This was diagnosed the month I moved away, so now, managing my financial firm, I'm not able to take a vacation. I completely understand the value of spending time with him, and this is where the immense guilt plays in. I truly appreciate your advice; I'm writing him a poem for his last father's day as opposed to sending him flowers -I'm hoping that will say what I'm unable to buried beneath my unbearable pain. Thank you so incredibly much for writing, I truly do appreciate it. I wish you health in your own struggle. Please take care...thank you and God bless

M

My wife has a brain tumor and we have been going through this with our daughter that lives in Denver. The doctor that is doing the radiation treatment said she has 9 months to live. Now we see in a lot off letters people that have lived for 5 or 6 years and doing ok. We would love for our daughter to be here and she did quit her teaching job and moved back here, Now if it can be that my wife lives for 5 more years I would love that and Would thank God for it but what do I tell my daughter that left the place she loves and wants to live at? It is not right for them to say we have this amount of time but let us decide and keep us updated to all the new things that they are doing in cancer treatment today. All it takes to spent time is to call every day my wife says so many time that just a short call means so much. We cannot predict what God has in store for us so live every day and keep up the hopes. I would not like to ruin my daughter’s life over this but I do love having her home to. We have times when it is too much to, as we have lived here a lone for 10 years so that takes a lot too. I have 34 years with my wife and will fight this to the end. I hope this will give some light on this for you.

Mike & Rosie

Hi, my name is Laura and my dear brother Nat past away last November from lung cancer, he was only 38 years old, God rest his soul. I was fortunate enough to have him living with me all of his life so all of the stages I witnessed first hand. My main recommendation is to make his remaining life as NORMAL as possible. I know that sounds impossible at times because there is so much fear and anxiety. Try your best to keep things positive around him, if he sees you deporessed and upset than he will only follow your lead. I can't tell you how many times I went into another room and cried my eyes out, but I never cried in front of him or let his fears flow into me while in his presence. My youngest brother didn't have that same stregnth. Everytime he saw Nat deteriorate more it always showed on his face and I know it was very difficult to see his brother that way, afterall Nat was always the strong one in our family. Once again I cannot stress enough the importance of normalcy and in the end you will know that you've done the best that you can and he will look down on you from Heaven smiling. One more important fact, PRAY. Where there is a breath on life theres always hope. God bless and give you guidance in yours and your fathers journey.

Laura

hi there

     just be there and love him as much as possible but you need other people there as well and take care of yourself as well.  I just lost my sisteer with excactly the same cancer.. i can't stress enough make sure you have help i moved home for three weeks to halp my brother in lawwith my sister and i wouldn't have been anywhere else. you take care and i wish you well

                                                    judyb