Help

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Help

by Brikumy on Tue Feb 19, 2013 06:56 PM

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Recently after diagnosis of pc my husband got the Whipple procedure and that was a success(46). He is now going through chemo and he's handling it pretty good. He gets really tired and sleeps it off in between meals. Here is where the problem is..... Every time we are getting ready to see the dr for follow ups and then chemo session I have questions. I'll ask him to maybe ask the dr what his cancer markers are or how well his treatments are coming along...etc. he gets mad. He tells me that if I want him positive then I should respect his wishes because he doesn't want to know. It hurts and upsets me because his thinking is " out of mind, out of sight" I know I'm not the one with the health issue here and yes, everyone copes differently but I am a lost to think. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't speak at all about what I fear or what is going on with his treatment. The progress... He's stubborn. I feel like no matter how much research I do, he refuses me to ask his dr while we are at the office. I mean, how do you expect to know anything about your prognosis? He's getting me really upset because I try to stay strong in between work, taking care of him, & being by his side 24/7. I don't know why. Had it not been for me to take him to the er he would've never known he had pc. Good thing I had a "gut" feeling. No matter what I do I feel like..... Why shouldn't it be me? It would be so much easier. I'd fallen into depression and don't think that he and I see eye to eye. He thinks I'm there to bring negative things he oceangoing want to hear.... Here I am just trying to help him. I love him but feel like I'm being pushed aside.

RE: Help

by alicejones on Tue Feb 19, 2013 07:23 PM

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On Feb 19, 2013 6:56 PM Brikumy wrote:

Recently after diagnosis of pc my husband got the Whipple procedure and that was a success(46). He is now going through chemo and he's handling it pretty good. He gets really tired and sleeps it off in between meals. Here is where the problem is..... Every time we are getting ready to see the dr for follow ups and then chemo session I have questions. I'll ask him to maybe ask the dr what his cancer markers are or how well his treatments are coming along...etc. he gets mad. He tells me that if I want him positive then I should respect his wishes because he doesn't want to know. It hurts and upsets me because his thinking is " out of mind, out of sight" I know I'm not the one with the health issue here and yes, everyone copes differently but I am a lost to think. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't speak at all about what I fear or what is going on with his treatment. The progress... He's stubborn. I feel like no matter how much research I do, he refuses me to ask his dr while we are at the office. I mean, how do you expect to know anything about your prognosis? He's getting me really upset because I try to stay strong in between work, taking care of him, & being by his side 24/7. I don't know why. Had it not been for me to take him to the er he would've never known he had pc. Good thing I had a "gut" feeling. No matter what I do I feel like..... Why shouldn't it be me? It would be so much easier. I'd fallen into depression and don't think that he and I see eye to eye. He thinks I'm there to bring negative things he oceangoing want to hear.... Here I am just trying to help him. I love him but feel like I'm being pushed aside.

Well, I think you should make an apt without your husband and see the dr. alone and talk to him about your concerns,  I had to do this with my Aunt and write questions down as she was very upset...maybe too, he needs to have an anti-depressant.....and some counseling.  Men are very subborn and don't fave reality.  Perhaps the hospital or your doctor can find you a group to talk to or a non-paying counselor for yourself. It is a very difficult situation.  You have my sympathy...

RE: Help

by johndwayne on Tue Feb 19, 2013 07:34 PM

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Dear Brikumy, I am sorry to hear that your husband is so stubborn. It is too bad he does'nt realize how blessed he is to have you there.  I am a single man, having been divorced in 2010, and all my family lives in another city in another province. I was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in july,2012 and completed 18 weeks of chemo last Dec. My specialist has told me they have done everything they can at this time and are just monitoring the spread of my cancer. I am here all alone. I drive myself to my appts. And do everything else by myself. Oh how I wish my wife was still here with me. Just to have somebody there. I feel so alone at this time.  Please let your husband read my letter, he is so lucky to have you there.  Hang in there, God Bless,

Sincerely, Dwayne Martin

RE: Help

by Brikumy on Tue Feb 19, 2013 08:22 PM

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On Feb 19, 2013 7:23 PM alicejones wrote:

On Feb 19, 2013 6:56 PM Brikumy wrote:

Recently after diagnosis of pc my husband got the Whipple procedure and that was a success(46). He is now going through chemo and he's handling it pretty good. He gets really tired and sleeps it off in between meals. Here is where the problem is..... Every time we are getting ready to see the dr for follow ups and then chemo session I have questions. I'll ask him to maybe ask the dr what his cancer markers are or how well his treatments are coming along...etc. he gets mad. He tells me that if I want him positive then I should respect his wishes because he doesn't want to know. It hurts and upsets me because his thinking is " out of mind, out of sight" I know I'm not the one with the health issue here and yes, everyone copes differently but I am a lost to think. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't speak at all about what I fear or what is going on with his treatment. The progress... He's stubborn. I feel like no matter how much research I do, he refuses me to ask his dr while we are at the office. I mean, how do you expect to know anything about your prognosis? He's getting me really upset because I try to stay strong in between work, taking care of him, & being by his side 24/7. I don't know why. Had it not been for me to take him to the er he would've never known he had pc. Good thing I had a "gut" feeling. No matter what I do I feel like..... Why shouldn't it be me? It would be so much easier. I'd fallen into depression and don't think that he and I see eye to eye. He thinks I'm there to bring negative things he oceangoing want to hear.... Here I am just trying to help him. I love him but feel like I'm being pushed aside.

Well, I think you should make an apt without your husband and see the dr. alone and talk to him about your concerns,  I had to do this with my Aunt and write questions down as she was very upset...maybe too, he needs to have an anti-depressant.....and some counseling.  Men are very subborn and don't fave reality.  Perhaps the hospital or your doctor can find you a group to talk to or a non-paying counselor for yourself. It is a very difficult situation.  You have my sympathy...

Thanks for the advice. I have tried to but the dr is almost always booked and runs two offices. It's hard enough too because I work full time and his dr office is clear across town. I'm going to try and make time to sit down with his dr and voice my questions. Thank you for reaching out to me.

RE: Help

by Brikumy on Tue Feb 19, 2013 08:26 PM

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On Feb 19, 2013 7:34 PM johndwayne wrote:

Dear Brikumy, I am sorry to hear that your husband is so stubborn. It is too bad he does'nt realize how blessed he is to have you there.  I am a single man, having been divorced in 2010, and all my family lives in another city in another province. I was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in july,2012 and completed 18 weeks of chemo last Dec. My specialist has told me they have done everything they can at this time and are just monitoring the spread of my cancer. I am here all alone. I drive myself to my appts. And do everything else by myself. Oh how I wish my wife was still here with me. Just to have somebody there. I feel so alone at this time.  Please let your husband read my letter, he is so lucky to have you there.  Hang in there, God Bless,

Sincerely, Dwayne Martin

Yes, it's hard and I'm so sorry to hear that you are alone going through this. I always think its hard enough on the person who has the illness.... They should never face it alone. I always make it a tip priority to give him his needs before my own. My schedule works around his. I tend to him when he needs me. I try. I just wish he wasn't so stubborn and be more accepting and motivated to know and understand his cancer, treatments, etc. thanks Dwayne.

RE: Help

by tsmith on Wed Feb 20, 2013 01:37 PM

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Hello.

So sorry for your ordeal. I was where your husband is and made a concious effort to be as sweet to my wife as possible because I knew what she was going through was possibly worse than what I was dealing with (at least emotionally) and without her I would have given up anyway.

I think you should insist on speaking to the doctor in private, he does after all work for you. You can get the information to satisfy your needs and your husband can remain uninformed.

RE: Help

by shelby1 on Wed Feb 20, 2013 02:02 PM

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I think you should respect his wishes. Sometimes knowledge can hurt in other ways. If you persist your husband can refuse to let you in the doctors office! No good doctor will have that meeting with you without your husband. This sounds more like a control issue and your husband is the sick one who wants to be able to control his own destiny. Back down and things will come when they must.

RE: Help

by Paminnewbury on Wed Feb 20, 2013 02:18 PM

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On Feb 20, 2013 2:02 PM shelby1 wrote:

I think you should respect his wishes. Sometimes knowledge can hurt in other ways. If you persist your husband can refuse to let you in the doctors office! No good doctor will have that meeting with you without your husband. This sounds more like a control issue and your husband is the sick one who wants to be able to control his own destiny. Back down and things will come when they must.

As a wife I was the one not wanting to hear all the details but my husband asked everything straight out so I had to listen he had lung cancer and the last scan he had the doctor came and he said ' how long have I got ' me wanting to run away 'weeks ' the doctor said I think you should let his brain take in what it can this is how I coped I miss him so much it's been six months just be there I know how hard it is watch someone you love in this situation ,

RE: Help

by cb531 on Wed Feb 20, 2013 06:04 PM

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Hi Brikumy,

I know exactly how you feel my husband was diagnosed with Lyposarcoma  cancer 6 weeks before my mom with PC. I am the caretaker for both and the unknowing is the hardest I live with both of them and they are the same as your husband they don't want to know anything!I use this sight to get all my answers and it helps.  Unfortunittly none of us know what the future holds. My Dad use to say everyday I wake up and face the world is a blessing. It is 6 moths and my husband just had a clean petscan is doing well.  Mom is still here pain everyday and will start chemo Friday March 1st. good luck to you and your husband hope all goes well.

God bless.

RE: Help

by Brikumy on Wed Feb 20, 2013 08:11 PM

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On Feb 20, 2013 2:02 PM shelby1 wrote:

I think you should respect his wishes. Sometimes knowledge can hurt in other ways. If you persist your husband can refuse to let you in the doctors office! No good doctor will have that meeting with you without your husband. This sounds more like a control issue and your husband is the sick one who wants to be able to control his own destiny. Back down and things will come when they must.

Funny you should say that to me. Back down? Control issue? I think you have gotten my plea for help wrong. You don't know how things are with my husband. You are not the one in my shoes to even pass judgement on me. I think you should be more open minded and considerate. I'm sorry if you are a caregiver or a survivor, but anyone going through this does not need the blame for anything. Thank you for your response. All I really want is to be able to search for answers to help ease the pain he's going through. Also to understand his cancer more. Not anything negative like your response.
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