I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

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I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by cb531 on Mon Apr 22, 2013 05:11 PM

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I feel sometime like my life is over My mom has stage IV inoperable Pancreatic Cancer she had an apartment in my basement but we have moved everything up to my dining room becasue the doctors told me she had months to live and here it is 6 1/2 months and she is doing good. My husband has Lyposarcoma and just had a second reoccuranc and the radiation caused him to have a open wound.  My 2 sisters take my mom once each a month for  a weekend so I get a little break but I have to tell you I have no one to talk with because no one is going thru what I am going thru. I am scarred everyday of my life that at any minute one of them will leave me.  I have been trapped to my house and split between both of them taking care of them. I pray to God that we will beat this horrible cancer but let me tell you sometime I feel its a loosing battle.  So many doctors have told me that my mom will not be here next year and how do they know the answers!! My husband's cancer I am told is aggressive but he is a rock he even helps me with my mom so......thanks for lisening to my woes. God bless all of you for what you do to take care of your loved ones. xo Cathy

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by SarahGrey on Wed Apr 24, 2013 01:20 AM

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Oh my God...  WOW.  Taking care of one loved one is rough - I don't know how you care for two people at the same time!  I really, really give you credit... 

May I ask...  Why the heck don't your TWO sisters take your mom EVERY weekend?  My goodness.  How is it fair for you to care for her not only all during the week but then also half the weekends out of the month?  Did you pick the short straw?  Maybe if your sisters helped out a little more, then you could talk with them a bit more and have more of a social support network.  Now they're barely involved.  Two days a month???  Come on...  You're doing it 26 days a month.  How is that fair??  ANNNND you're caring for your husband as well.  No.  Not acceptable.

Please talk to your sisters.  If you want, give me their numbers and I'll speak to them.  (lol)  Seriously, this has me pissed.  (whoo, hit a nerve here)  Maybe point out to them, as I wrote above, that you watch and care for Mom 26 days while they each care for her 2 days.  If they each did a whopping 4 then you'd still be watching Mom 22 days - still MUCH more than them, but at least you'd get a lot of help and rest...  (based on a 30 day month)

And you're right.  Doctors don't know.  They GUESS.  Just like the weather reporters.  And how often are THEY right?  ;)  Sheesh.  One thing I like about this site is hearing the stories of how people have been told "6 months" and that was 5 years ago.  (or similar stories)

Wishing you all the best...  and if you talk to your sisters, please let me know how it goes.  ;)

Sarah

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by cb531 on Wed Apr 24, 2013 04:54 PM

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Thanks Sarah, for listening to my tale of wows.... My sisters take 1/2 day of work and then back to her house for the weekend my mom doesn't like to go because all her stuff is at our house very stressful. As most of you know and I would be the same she has pitty parties and doesn't relize the stress we all are feeling.  It's very touchy subject for me to ask my sisters for anything my brothers and sisters make comments like we really appreciate all you do for mom I am one of six children and they all live close by but no one wants to give up there lives to take care of mom so my sisters giving me a weekend off 2 times a month is ok for now. thank you again for listening to me it really helps because unless you are going thru it know one trully understands!

xo Cathy

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by Kjohnchas on Wed Apr 24, 2013 05:45 PM

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Whoe Sarah,I need you in my corner haha. It's so amazing what you feel when a doctor tells you get your paperwork in order,it's like this can't be happening and than things seem to be going on just fine,but who really knows for sure,only God knows My husband looks sick,boneyard legs ,no butt,no hair,and very tired,he is on his 6 month,but never complains ,and still gets our 5 year old ready for school everyday. My mother had a stomached tumor,and she lived from nov till feb,she was so happy those few months,all her kids were around and she finally found out what was wrong with her. For years they told her it was her nerves,when I was 15, I remember her thinking she had a tumor,when she died( which we prayed for) no one was in the room,the phone rang,I called my brother,out of room so she was alone and takes when she went home. Wish she was here now,she'd be right here helping me and trying to make me laugh. God bless kathy

Carolynbmaes Carolynbmaes
(Inactive)

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by Carolynbmaes on Wed Apr 24, 2013 11:31 PM

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On Apr 24, 2013 1:20 AM SarahGrey wrote:

Oh my God...  WOW.  Taking care of one loved one is rough - I don't know how you care for two people at the same time!  I really, really give you credit... 

May I ask...  Why the heck don't your TWO sisters take your mom EVERY weekend?  My goodness.  How is it fair for you to care for her not only all during the week but then also half the weekends out of the month?  Did you pick the short straw?  Maybe if your sisters helped out a little more, then you could talk with them a bit more and have more of a social support network.  Now they're barely involved.  Two days a month???  Come on...  You're doing it 26 days a month.  How is that fair??  ANNNND you're caring for your husband as well.  No.  Not acceptable.

Please talk to your sisters.  If you want, give me their numbers and I'll speak to them.  (lol)  Seriously, this has me pissed.  (whoo, hit a nerve here)  Maybe point out to them, as I wrote above, that you watch and care for Mom 26 days while they each care for her 2 days.  If they each did a whopping 4 then you'd still be watching Mom 22 days - still MUCH more than them, but at least you'd get a lot of help and rest...  (based on a 30 day month)

And you're right.  Doctors don't know.  They GUESS.  Just like the weather reporters.  And how often are THEY right?  ;)  Sheesh.  One thing I like about this site is hearing the stories of how people have been told "6 months" and that was 5 years ago.  (or similar stories)

Wishing you all the best...  and if you talk to your sisters, please let me know how it goes.  ;)

Sarah

You go girl ,I am with you. If I was a caregiver to two people at same time I would be DEAD. Girley that is why I like you so much you are a fighter!!!!!!! Hugs, CB from LA,smile

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by SarahGrey on Thu Apr 25, 2013 12:49 AM

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LOL ohhhh now I'm simply flabbergasted.  I know I spelled that wrong but you know what I mean.  ;)

YOU HAVE 5 BROTHERS AND SISTERS!  I want ALL their numbers!  Seriously, that's insane...

And even worse is that sooo many families have this situation.  I know in my family, I have 3 siblings - that I am the only one who would make any sacrifices.  Other family members have said the same thing.  And it's not fair and it's not right...

What about this...  To give yourself more of a break, maybe specifically ask another sibling to take another weekend?  Packing a bag for mom can't be so difficult...  It's two days.  But anyway, if you SPECIFICALLY ask "so and so" to take another weekend - and make the weekend specific - it might help.  Tell them, you need help.  I've come to find that many people are willing to help but don't know how and don't know what to do - and are often afraid of "stepping on toes" or interfering.  So if you specifically ask, they might come through.  And if not, please give me their number.  ;)

PPS - if anyone would like me to make calls for them, please just send me your principle complaint and phone number(s) of who I should yell at.  LOL!

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by cb531 on Tue May 07, 2013 05:46 PM

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On Apr 25, 2013 12:49 AM SarahGrey wrote:

LOL ohhhh now I'm simply flabbergasted.  I know I spelled that wrong but you know what I mean.  ;)

YOU HAVE 5 BROTHERS AND SISTERS!  I want ALL their numbers!  Seriously, that's insane...

And even worse is that sooo many families have this situation.  I know in my family, I have 3 siblings - that I am the only one who would make any sacrifices.  Other family members have said the same thing.  And it's not fair and it's not right...

What about this...  To give yourself more of a break, maybe specifically ask another sibling to take another weekend?  Packing a bag for mom can't be so difficult...  It's two days.  But anyway, if you SPECIFICALLY ask "so and so" to take another weekend - and make the weekend specific - it might help.  Tell them, you need help.  I've come to find that many people are willing to help but don't know how and don't know what to do - and are often afraid of "stepping on toes" or interfering.  So if you specifically ask, they might come through.  And if not, please give me their number.  ;)

PPS - if anyone would like me to make calls for them, please just send me your principle complaint and phone number(s) of who I should yell at.  LOL!

Hi Sarah,

Boy do I need to vent!! I asked my sister come over on Sunday so I can go food shopping mom was not feeling well and my husband was doing yard stuff.  She came over I was gone less then an hour and I get a text when are u coming home mom is hungry!! I was so angry grated I was getting cold cuts but there was other things she could have made my mom!! Then I was only in the door and she was leaving.  Later that night she calls to see how my mom was doing and when I mentioned about needing a vacation her response was you go away enough at christmas time I went away on a saturday overnight to shop in PA really!! Her response then was well we all take turns taking mom to chemo big deal!!! I am so fustrated really ready to break!! My husband who is also still taking care of a bad radiation wound from his treatments said "Out of sight out of mind" so true!!

Thanks for letting me vent all!! Cathy

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by BAILY on Wed May 08, 2013 03:13 PM

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I hope you can sit them all down together and tell them what is needed from each of them to help you and get the results that our needed  to help you . You need free time to take care of yourself. I am the caretaker for my husband and never go anywhere now I asked hospice to help and there sending someone tommorow but I am asking for 2 hours they give you 4 or I could take him there for the day. Hope I am not  afraid to leave him tommorow.

 

Hugs 2 u

Baily 

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by cb531 on Wed May 08, 2013 05:12 PM

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Baily

I have 4 grown up kids that help me and my mom more then her own children.  I tried in the begining to ask for help and I heard "what you don't think I love my mother" and more crazy times I am it because my one sister comes over the house once a week to but her meds in a weekely pill case my mom thinks she is terriffic! I know she won't be with us forever but I know I can put my head on my pillow and sleep at night.

So sorry you too are going thru this horrible ordeal god bless

Cathy

RE: I am a caregiver to people I Love my Husband and Mom both living in the same house.

by SarahGrey on Sat May 11, 2013 12:05 AM

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oh wow, cathy...  im so sorry...  i like baily's advice about everyone getting together and discussing things.  sadly... from what you described, it seems nothing will change.  but, like you said, you can sleep at night.  one other option you might have is respite care - essentially daycare.  is that something you might be able to use?    thankfully, as you said, you have adult kids who can help.  i'm just sorry it's such a struggle for you - cancer is hard enough without all this drama and selfishness... :(

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