Heartbroken

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Heartbroken

by Alexia on Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:00 AM

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hospice has told us that it will only be a matter of days now.I knew this was coming but i guess i still had hoped for a miracle.god this is so awful.The waiting the not knowing if she will be here when i wake up is so awful.I don`t know how i will get thru the next while.I feel as though i`m going to be sick.it`s really a harsh reality when the end draws near.How will i ever go on without my mom.I know i will i have 3kids to take care of,but right now it feels like i am getting dizzy,i can`t eat i feel sick,i just don`t feel i can handle this.I should go i can`t see what i am writing thru the tears. Susan

Hang in There

by Whisper on Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:00 AM

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My name is Tom Duffy My wife recently went into surgery and was found to have a GBM brain tumor. Obviously each and every situation is different and I want to share something that has helped me greatly. I observe my mind as it goes into that dark place. It is truly over welming and it feels like there is no return. I do all that I can to observe and ask myself. Am I accepting my thoughts or am I I arguing with them. Trust me there is a healthy period of time to argue and not accept. It is truly a part of this process. I find peace comes when I can see that my mind is faced with the un faceable. I have seen a few times when I simply observe calm my thoughts down cry what ever it takes. And I accept that this is happening and God dam it it sucks. But one small first step in coming home back to my heart is to not argue with what is. Then I flow into a calmer place. For me it allows me to think more clearer. But I write all this in full understanding that this process for you is truly dreadful. It is simply simply terrible beyond the meaning of the word. I wanted to right because I am also scared and having someone send me a hello really helps. My prayers are with you not because I think that I know you. I say this because we both face the loss of a loved one. Blessings to you and I pray for your swift healing from this entire event. TOM

i Know How You Feel

by Karenw on Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:00 AM

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Susan-- I just lost my mom to this horrible disease on Wed. night. We also went through a very rough week with hospice helping us and not knowing what to expect hour to hour. I know that not everyone will follow a similar pattern, but this is what happened in our case. My mom had previously lost all speech and motor function on the right side. The last week she was really non responsive. She would open her eyes and sometimes seemed to listen, but no real response. She stopped all liquids (we would just wet her mouth and maybe a few drops of water), food and oral meds. She did not seem to be in pain, but occasionally would grimace and we felt that she was having some pain in her right hand and leg. The last few days we just administered valium suppositories and liquid morphine on a regular basis. My dad and I were setting our alarms and checking her a couple of times each in the night. Do you have anyone that can help you right now? Family, friends? Are you home with her or working right now? It sounds like you really need some sleep and someone to share the load. I gave in and took something to help me sleep and took a rest whenever I could. I know it helped to keep me somewhat sane that last week. On Wednesday she never opened her eyes and was breathing loudly; like a loud snore. I had the hospice nurse come to check on her and she gave an extra dose of morphine to see if the breathing would settle down. She thought that she would pass on Thanksgiving and she took her last breath about an hour later. I still feel completely numb. We are going through the paces, but the pain is so strong. Please rely on others and let them know what you need. We are here for you if you need to talk again. You are doing an amazing job and your mom knows it. Peace, Karenw

Karen

by Alexia on Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:00 AM

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Thank you so much for your response.i have calmed down a little.I think what i`m having is panic attacks,according to the hospice nurse.I`m so sorry you too had to endure such pain.I have followed your posts and if i remember correctly you have grown children or 1 child.If that is the case you are so lucky that your child/children will remember their grandmother.One of the most heartbreaking parts of this is that my 2 youngest 1 and 3 will not remember how wonderful their gramma was.i know i will tell them and share stories and do what i can to keep her memory alive but it`s not the same.god my mom loved them so much she was here everyday,all three of them smiled their first smiles for her.this whole thing just seems so unfair. bye for now Susan

Dear Susan,

by Madeline_Ruth on Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:00 AM

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I'm just so sorry that you are facing this. We faced this in September and my hope is that we can offer some help to others going through this tragedy. I know that the sadness and sorrow of knowing what your mother will miss is overwhelming and heartbreaking, and my sister has 2 boys that were so close to our mom. We would think about how much she would miss of their lives, knowing what they would become, who/if they would marry, their own children. My husband and I were in the middle of buying a business, which she was so interested in, and it breaks my heart that she cannot be a part of that, and I really feel that I have lost interest in that without her. But, the one thing that kept us sane and still does, is knowing that the loss is ours, not hers. She suffered loss, just as your mother has, every day of the GBM. But, in the end, she gained eternity. My mom worried that she would miss us and cried about that. We reassured her that she would not miss us, but that we would miss her. She had Heaven and an eternity with Jesus to look forward to, and even though we have no concept of what that is like, we have hope that it is there for us, and faith in God to help us through this life. I think the key in getting through the anxiety and panic of the loss, which is probably the worst loss you will ever experience, is keeping your mind busy and not dwelling on this loss right now. There is so much emotion right now, and you are watching your mom "slide" rapidly toward the end, and it is an awful thing to watch, and thinking about your future loss without her is only going to hurt you more, Susan. I know it's hard to not dwell on, but there will be time in the future to think about these things and the loss that you will experience. It will be as bad as it will be when those times come, and you will grieve forever. We tried to talk to each other and keep our minds off of the future, while we were waiting for our mom to die, and it helped. I hope this helps you a little. You may need something to help with the anxiety, if you don't already have that (like Xanax). I am so, so sorry and will keep you in my thoughts over the coming days, and pray for your peace.

my Dad

by Lorig on Sat Nov 25, 2006 12:00 AM

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Hi Susan, I am going through the same as you right now and am typing while tears roll down my face. My father has maybe a month to live. His GBM tumour has grown back and is inoperable. He now can barely walk and is very weak from the radiation and chemo. I am flying back home on Monday and spending all the time that I need with him. I am angry too at GOD, I've prayed and prayed and my father has only gotten worse. My dad is only 54 and he wants to LIVE and knowing that he can't is tearing me apart. I am sick too, can't eat and am an emotional wreck. There is no advice that anyone can give you or I. I don't want to hear anyone tell me how to get through this, I don't care about my pain, I only care about my father's pain.

Susan...

by Shannond on Sat Nov 25, 2006 12:00 AM

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Dear Susan, just know that I have you in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is very heavy and aches for you. I am so sorry. Study her face, her hands, her hair, just her. Every thing about her. Etch her into your heart and mind forever. Even though he was very sick and didn't look himself, I cling to the final days and moments I spent with Dad. Love, hugs, and prayers, Shannon

Lori...

by Shannond on Sat Nov 25, 2006 12:00 AM

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My post to Susan is for you too. I am so sorry you are approaching the end of your journey and fight against GBM. It is heart wrenching to say the least. Hold his hand. Etch into your mind and heart everything about your Dad. I still remember how his hands, face, eyes, mouth, etc. looked. I can still see him like he is here with me today. Even though he was sick, it was still him and I will never forget those final moments with him. I treasure them. Tears fall as I type to this you. I am truly sorry.

Susan

by Hopefully on Sat Nov 25, 2006 12:00 AM

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I am so very sorry to hear that your mom is failing. My mom and I are so close as well, I have her only grand kids and also do not know how to get through life when she passes. I have spoken to numerous friends and family members who really feel I should speak to a qualified person who can offer proffesional support and perhaps medication to help with depression,lack of sleep or whatever you may be feeling. I am so afraid to be in your shoes,although I feel I better get ready to accept what may come sooner than anyone of us is ready for. Prayers and love, Dana

For Whisper.....

by Jennifer111466 on Sun Nov 26, 2006 12:00 AM

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just out of curiosity, I noticed you said God d*m it in one paragraph and then at the end of your post you sent blessings and prayers for a swift recovery to someone. What is your faith and/or denomination? I was just wondering...... ~Jennifer
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