Broken Marriage

I can't imagine that I am the only one that has lost their marriage due to cancer.  I am on this site looking for support and advice.

 I am 35 years old, actually turned 36 yesterday, not the happiest birthday I've ever had. :)  I was diagnosed Sept. 11, 2006 (ironic, huh) with Stage 3C breast cancer.  There is no family history so this caught me completely by surprise.  My fiance and I married 6 days after my first chemo treatment.  Then 2 weeks ago I found out that he cheated and he has since left me and says that we can't work it out.  This all wouldn't be so awful but what little bit of family I do have is 2500 miles away and going back to them is not an option.  They haven't offered and want me to finish out treatment here.  I still have 5 chemo treatments and 33 radiation treatments before discussing more surgery.  Lymph nodes are involved and there is still cancer in my breast.  I am leaning toward no more surgery.  I'm beginning to question what I'm fighting for.

I'm feeling very small and so very alone.  I now have only me to depend on financially which scares the hell out of me.  The treatments put me down and I've missed a ton of work, which is no longer an option.

I wonder is it that he couldn't deal with the cancer?  Facing mortality?  Is it because I'm bald?  Is it the scars from the surgeries?  Is it that I got angry and depressed?

I was a caregiver for my father a couple of years ago when he passed away from cancer of the voice box.  I never considered leaving him to walk that road alone.  How could you do that to someone you love?  Is it that my "husband" never loved me?

Anyone with any insight or who has had a similar experience, your input would be GREATLY appreciated.  I am struggling to understand, to forgive and to move on.  For whatever reason, I still hold onto the hope that he will come home, but in my heart I know that will never happen.

On 1/28/2007 Apa85204 wrote:

I can't imagine that I am the only one that has lost their marriage due to cancer.  I am on this site looking for support and advice.

 I am 35 years old, actually turned 36 yesterday, not the happiest birthday I've ever had. :)  I was diagnosed Sept. 11, 2006 (ironic, huh) with Stage 3C breast cancer.  There is no family history so this caught me completely by surprise.  My fiance and I married 6 days after my first chemo treatment.  Then 2 weeks ago I found out that he cheated and he has since left me and says that we can't work it out.  This all wouldn't be so awful but what little bit of family I do have is 2500 miles away and going back to them is not an option.  They haven't offered and want me to finish out treatment here.  I still have 5 chemo treatments and 33 radiation treatments before discussing more surgery.  Lymph nodes are involved and there is still cancer in my breast.  I am leaning toward no more surgery.  I'm beginning to question what I'm fighting for.

I'm feeling very small and so very alone.  I now have only me to depend on financially which scares the hell out of me.  The treatments put me down and I've missed a ton of work, which is no longer an option.

I wonder is it that he couldn't deal with the cancer?  Facing mortality?  Is it because I'm bald?  Is it the scars from the surgeries?  Is it that I got angry and depressed?

I was a caregiver for my father a couple of years ago when he passed away from cancer of the voice box.  I never considered leaving him to walk that road alone.  How could you do that to someone you love?  Is it that my "husband" never loved me?

Anyone with any insight or who has had a similar experience, your input would be GREATLY appreciated.  I am struggling to understand, to forgive and to move on.  For whatever reason, I still hold onto the hope that he will come home, but in my heart I know that will never happen.

I am so sorry that you feel so alone.  Sounds like it was too much to ask of a new relationship.  He probably wasn't the right one, that right one that everyone wants and seeks out.  Let him go.  You know what it is like to care for someone and never once think about leaving them alone.  You can know that you did the best for your father and he knew too.  Look to friends for emotional support since you don't have family near you.  If you don't have supportive friends, join a support group.  Maybe you could find what you need in a group.  My heart goes out to you.  You can find the strength within yourself to carry yourself through this.  Best wishes and good karma sent to you.  Linda Lou

  Honey...I hope you are able to recieve this message..I want you to know that you are not alone...all the feelings you have are very normal...I understand how you hurt and how loney you feel.  I too have lost my 17 year marriage, mainly due to this illness.  Some men are very selfish and can not withstand the stress of illness.  That do not want the responsibility of the time, love and understanding needed during this very difficult time in treatment.  We end up blaming ourselves for our emotions and what we did and did not do, to ensure our relationships stayed well also.  We can only do so much...while we are fighting for our own lives, let alone cater to the needs of our husbands. Please, please don't give up...your worth is not measured by whether your husband loves you or not.  I felt this way...if my husband could not love me, even though my life may end....very soon....who could love me...this is not true..you must fight these feelings...as hard as it is  Do what ever you can do to make yourself keep going each day..treat yourself with kindness, try to make yourself look pretty...for yourself...work out, even if it is just walking. Put make-up on...and try to smile and talk to people you meet anywhere you go.......Know that you have the strength to do anything.  Take each moment and try to see what ever good you can see in each moment.When we are going through this.....it is hard to see a future...or even tomarrow.....know you are not alone..if you feel the need to talk anytime...please try to contact me.....I wish you peace...Love, Kathy

Ms. Kathy and Linda...Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement and the advice.  I know that you are right.  I cannot look for worth outside of myself.  Whatever issues my soon to be ex has are his and are not a reflection on me.  How can I expect him to understand? Unless you are the one hearing the word "cancer" regarding yourself or someone that is truly close to you, how can you empathize with the emotions involved.  I have had a couple of weeks to swallow this jagged little pill and am FINALLY realizing that it's not ME, it's him.   I am happy to say that I'm going home.  It will be a struggle to start over again, but I need to be with the people that I love and that love me.  I know that I will have the support that I need.  When I told my doctor that I was going to have to transfer my treatment to a doctor across the country he finally came clean with me regarding my prognosis.  There are infected lymph nodes that cannot be removed.  He did not use the words terminal or inoperable, but he didn't have to.  He did tell me that things would be in God's hands.  After that, I knew that I had made the right decision to uproot myself, leave everything (which ain't much) and go home.  I have news for my doctor, I am finally coming to realize that this has always been in God's hands and will remain that way.  I'm starting to find my faith again and not be so angry or afraid or lonely.

This site has truly been a blessing and I will continue to log on and hopefully be able to offer my own words of encouragement to someone someday.  Please know that you two ladies touched my heart and I consider you a blessing.  Many thanks!!  May God bless you and keep you in His love.  I hope to hear from you again.  And I hope that you won't mind hearing from me.  :)  And God bless this website.  I have found it a source of support when there was none.  Thank you!

Honey...oh how I understand the pain in which you have gone through and will continue to go through.  It is so hard to believe that someone could leave you and stop loving you at a time like this in your life...it does a number on your self worth....thinking, if he can't love me, especially when my life might be coming to an end...how in the world could anyone love me?  I struggled with this fact, and continue to stuggle with it.  I too have realized that it is him..not me with a selfish need for himself to relieved of the stress that illness places on a relationship.  There are some wonderful men out there that do stand by theirs partners.  The most important thing is to try to get your own self esteem back, and not allow one person to direct your feelings.  This will help you heal, from a broken heart and also with your illness.   The mind and our emotions are amazingly strong. I am happy that you will be going home, close to people that love you and want to help you go through all you may have to go through.  God is always in my picture...I pray all the time.  I am just trying to keep the cancer at bay and try to live my life to best I can.  I still have 2 teen-age son's to get to manhood...they will be going to college in 2 years.  God has been very good to me so far, living at stage 4 for almost 8 years, Granted I have had many spreads to other bones and many courses of radiation, medications and chemo.  Too many surgeries to mention, but the main thing is I am still here!!!!  So I tell you this with all my heart...hang in there, take things moment by moment.  Try not to let yourself isolate, let other people help you, and cherish all that love you. Let go of people that do not enhance your life...and never blame yourself for anything that has happened..regarding your relationship or this horrible illness.  I know how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other and go on...but you can do this...my favorite expression, when I am feeling defeated is: LET GO and LET GOD.  I say this to myself when I feel myself sinking. So, thank you for taking the time to write, and feel free to continue.  I will be praying for you and will be wanting to know how you are doing...so please keep in touch.....................God Bless.....................Kathy

Appa: never give up hope, be happy and take your husbands benefits please.  That is what the military is for to provide for spouses. I am sorry this happened to you...Unfortunately  some family and friends freak over cancer and dissapear.  Take care of yourself and be happy.. 

On 3/23/2007 Apa85204 wrote:

I just wanted to post an update.  I'm back home on the east coast.  I didn't get the warm reception from my family, but that's ok.  I really didn't expect it.  I'm starting what's left of my life over.  I have a job now I have to find a place of my own.  I don't have any insurance so I'm not taking treatment anymore.  It was inoperable anyway.  I'm hoping to have at least a year, maybe two before I get sick.  It's been 6 weeks since my last chemo treatment and finally I'm getting my eye lashes back!!  Yippee!  I have to shave under my arms again!!  :) Now, when I can stop wearing the head coverings I'll be a happy girl. Ironically, the man that left me, my "husband", joined the Army.  Can you believe that?  I guess he needs it.  It's probably a good move.  The discipline will do him good. I am entitled to his military benefits, since neither of us filed for divorce but I don't think that I'm going to pursue it. I just wanted to thank you again for being supportive when I was so alone in the world.  I've read through some of the other boards and postings and I want to say again that this website is truly a blessing.  Thank God for this outlet when there is so much pain, confusion and anxiety regarding this dreaded disease. God bless you all!!  Take care!! :)

I wanted to respond here:  God Bless You and know you've meet more ppl than u know on here, many read, w/o responding, yet say a prayer for you since reading, so it's good you came here to get it out.

Men and women have issues when their loved ones become ill, the battle IS their own, please do not let this be yours.

I've meet many men that in reverse their wives left them, I've meet men in my situation, that have said it's not the breast that makes a woman, yet her heart.  I also have a non helpful mate, some ppl cope different, and are weak, YOU MUST be strong, you've came this far, so continue to look up, and know GOD has HIS plans for you, keep on keeping on!!

We love you tOO!