On 4/30/2007
Dana123 wrote:
Hello, my husband has Stage 3 brain cancer. We have 2 daughters, 6 & 3, and I am 27 and he is 30. All that I can offer is some advise that I was given by another spouse of someone with cancer. I HOPE THAT NOTHING I SAY HURTS YOU, BUT GIVES YOU PEACE THAT YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE. I will tell you things to help you prepare for your loss and things to help you plan your life after your loss.
PREPARE: Have your husband record video messages to your children for things in the future and just in general. It will be hard, but when the time comes, you will cherish the fact that you have them. Record, take pictures, and write letters to anyone that you feel you need to. Your children will want to see the way their father was with them, your stories will be wonderful, but seeing is knowing. Make sure that you discuss with your husband things you fear, even the things you think you cannot say out loud. You have to talk about things that most couples don't have to, and when I say everything I mean everything! My husband and I have talked about things like... How he wants me to one day find happiness with someone else, and I didn't want ot talk about that! I couldn't imagine that, but it was something that he wanted to talk about. He wanted to make sure that I knew he was okay with me one day loving someone else. We talked about the girls; certain things that he wants for them and about how I will raise them in the future (dating, cars, punishments, marriage ect..). Like I said this will all be the most difficult you will ever face, but if you do not spend the time now, you cannot gain it back later. If you don't prepare, you will more than likely regret it later.
AFTER: Obviously you will need to be strong for your children, but don't forget about yourself. Once you feel the time is right and your children have family they can stay with, you should take a weekend getaway just for yourself. To think, to cry, to remember, to be angry, to recover. This may seem crazy, but when the time is right, you need to release - by yourself. Alot of times we hold it in because we don't want to upset others that are grieving as well. This should not take away from your own grieving. You will survive, it will just take time. You will learn to love life again and the simple things. To answer your question, 'Is there life after this?' Yes, there is! You need to make plans, like little anniversaries, for your healing process. At the time you make them, they will seem far off, but as each one approaches, you will look at time that has past and see how much you have healed. Don't think of the healing process as 'getting over it'. You will never get over it, but instead it is the process of 'accepting it'. I think after someone you love passes, you need time to accept the reality of it and that to me is what the healing process means. When you look up and realize that you are okay and have survived, that is when your 'next life' has begun. The 'next life' is the adjusted life you make for yourself because it is not the one you planned. It will still be a great life, just adjusted.
I hope that something I said helps you to prepare and plan. It is awful and unfair, and I know the time that you have is precious and sacred. Take care! Dana