Dear Linda,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband...it is so sad to hear. There is nothing that I can say to heal your pain and suffering. Your's is the second email that I have received in the past two weeks, (from this website), where someone has lost their husband to pancreatic cancer. The only thing that I can do is to continue to share my story with other cancer patients in hopes of giving them the strength and confidence to move forward. I live in New Jersey and will not be attending the PanCAN Symposium in California. I do hope that it provides you with some closure. Below is a copy of my annual email that I send to all my family and friends.
Hello to All...
Today, (November 3rd), is the fourth anniversary of my surgery for pancreatic cancer, and I cannot tell you how blessed I feel to have survived this long. It seems just like yesterday that the doctors were telling me that I had a 2%-20% chance of making it three years...(depending on who I spoke with...the surgeon, the chemo oncologist, or the radiation oncologist). I told them long ago...whatever that number is, I'm in on it! And now I am convinced that I will be around a bit longer.
Even though I am in remission, this disease is with me everyday. I struggle with fatigue, nausea, and pain, along with a series of other things. I had a tough time with the shingles this past summer, and my battle with neuropathy is getting worse. I have pain in my left buttocks area, my right thigh, and have tingling, numbness, and shooting pain in my feet. It gets so bad at night that I lay in bed with my legs pulled up to my chest shaking my feet, (I now take medication for this as well). I am up to a variation of 28 pills a day, and B12 injections once a month, but hey...what's the alternative!
I have learned to accept the fact that there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about dying...but it's okay. I am 60, and I am forunate to have spent 37 wonderful years with my wife. I have seen my children grow, develop into fine young adults, and begin their own families. Our daughter married into a wonderful family this past October 9th, and our daughter-in-law is expecting our first grandchild around December 19th. What more could a person ask for in life...I am alive, and there are so many people who suffer far more than I do. My problems pale in comparison to theirs...but there are days when I find myself saying...this is so difficult! But we must refuse to give in to this disease...so every once in awhile I look up towards heaven and say...thank you Lord, I am really enjoying my life right now!
Over these past four years a few people that I know have become victims of cancer. One of them is my cousin's eldest daughter Jennifer. She had surgery for cervical cancer this past summer, and is now undergoing treatments. Please pray for her...she needs our support during these difficult times. I have also been communicating with several other people as well as their families. I feel their pain and I truly hope that I am able to provide them with some comfort and inspiration. Every time I hear of a family member, or a friend who has cancer, I cannot help but think of how horrible this disease really is...and there is absolutely nothing that any of us can say to make that person feel any better about having cancer. The feeling of hearing those words...you have cancer...is so hard to describe. For some it's instant fear of dying; for others it's anger, while others feel great sadness. I guess for me it was total shock...then sadness, and finally fear began to set in. Others go through denial, or they ask...why me? All of these emotions are so very real! And believe me when I tell you that I have asked myself so many times...why me? I ask that question not because of having cancer, but why I survived, and others didn't...why me? I have lost some friends and even a family member this past year to cancer...so why me?
Last year, in my three year anniversary email, I mentioned Lance Armstrong, (cancer), and Michael J. Fox, (Parkinson's disease), and what they said about having no regrets...and I said that I didn't think I was at that point in my life yet. Well this year, on my fourth anniversary, I believe that I may be there. Maybe I survived because I am suppose to tell my story to others by giving them the strength and confidence to move forward...I really don't know for sure. But I do know that when I reach out to others it is such a heart-warming experience for me. But it can also be draining for me emotionally because I relive everything all over again...but the rewards are far greater! Last month I joined Gilda's Club, and have attended some Wellness Group meetings for men & women who live with cancer, (my wife joined me at last night's meeting). Early on, in my battle with cancer, I felt that this was something that I wanted to do...but I just wasn't ready until now.
If any of you know someone who has cancer...spend as much time with them as possible...especially during their treatments, and recovery process. Not because you may never see them again, but because it is during their treatments that they need family and friends the most. It is during these times when they are with family and friends, laughing and enjoying your company, that they can forget, (just for a few moments), that they have cancer. It gives them the added strength to go forward with their treatments. On the other hand many cancer patients find it therapeutic to talk about their cancer...so don't be afraid to ask about their treatments, and how they are doing. I remember when I first returned to work, (during my second go around with chemo treatments), a coworker came up to me in the hall and said that he saw me a couple of weeks ago but had been avoiding me because he didn't know what to say. I told him not to worry...that I understood how he felt. I told him that he could ask me any question that he wanted to about my cancer. But as some of you know, when you ask me any question about cancer, be careful...you're likely to get a two page email from me. But that's how passionate I am about surviving cancer. If you don't fight this disease with a passion that defies all that it does to you...then you let it control your life. And don't forget that there are cancer victims out there that are unable to muster up such a passion...so it is up to those of us who have survived to reach out to them.
I was in Chicago this past June to walk in the National Cancer Survivor's Walk along Lake Shore Dr. I walked with my son, his wife Andrea, Ken & Roberta Wilk...along with Lydia and her family. Lydia is the reason why I participated. She is the young lady that I have been communicating with for 3 1/2 years...she too is a pancreatic cancer survivor. She walked last year and wrote my name on the dedication wall. She asked me if I had time to come to Chicago this year to walk with her. I did...and it was great! I plan to visit Chicago in June of every year to walk. I know that Jennifer will be walking with us next year...and I am so looking forward to walking with her. I believe the walk is sponsored by the Chicago Northwestern Memorial Hospital. It is usually the first weekend in June...I hope to see some of you out there.
As many of you already know...I have been retired for two years now...and so glad that I made that decision. Once again...my family and I would like to thank all of you for your continued support, and please remember to pray for Jennifer. If you would like to get in touch with me, please send me a message.