My husband (59) was diagnosed with base of tongue cancer in early Feb. He is now through the treatments and in recovery. Here is what I recommend, now that we have been through a lot of this.
1) Try to get your husband to look at some of the oral cancer message boards. I see that more caregivers are reaching out to others than the patients. But the direct contact through email or other ways between those that are going through it first hand is very valuable so that the patient doesn't feel so ALONE in this. I think men seem to be less apt to get on to this, but then they are very grateful when they do.
2) Its important to try to get some balance back. Cancer is overwhelming at first. I had no idea what to expect, whether to keep working, what the future held, how my husband would deal with it, how we would deal as a couple, etc. Here are the things that helped us and continue to help:
-Send status emails out periodically to people who want to get them: family, friends, etc. I started doing this partly to help myself, and I found SO many people responded, came to visit, ask me to keep sending, etc. You will find out soon enough who is interested in keeping up with your news, and can let the others fall off your updates. I try to send an update once a month.
-Funny Movies. No kidding. This was our therapy. When I would get home from work and try to make Jeff something to eat (and fail) or just get myself something while he got his via the Tube, and when he could hardly talk, watching funny movies every night (just about), was a wonderful thing we could do together, be close, have fun and not think or talk about "IT". I can't emphasize how important this became. Also, I had something great to talk about the next day at work, if we had seen a really good movie. People became comfortable asking me how things were going because I had pleasant things going on in my life as well as dealing with the cancer. Laughter is truly the best medicine. I bet it will help your husband. If you want my movie list, let me know.
- If you like the movie idea, when friends and family ask "what can they do", and you haven't got a clue... ask them to send you funny movie titles. They will like to do it and feel like they are contributing. I've had friends bring over BAGS of funny videos. When people can help, they feel connected. It is very hard for friends of cancer patients. They feel like you and the patient are on another planet. I know because I know how reluctant I was (shy) to talk to anyone who had cancer. I wanted to just stay away. And then I felt bad about it.
Hope this is helpful. Reach out to everything for help, and drop the things that don't work for you. We started going to a cancer support group, but it really didn't meet our lifestyle. I hired a caregiver to drive Jeff to most of his treatments and kept my job, which worked out for me. Others I know have been more comfortable being there through the whole thing.
Another thing we forget is that our partners who have the disease are also worried about US. So the better we find ways to deal with this ordeal, the better it is for their stress level as well.
All best wishes to you.\
Susan