My fiance died on November 11, 2004 after a short but brave battle with Primary Liver Cancer. He was diagnosed on September 9, 2004. He did not qualify for any clinical studies and he did not want chemo. He was told on 9/22 that he had 3 months or less and he lasted about 7 weeks from that point. He was hospitalized twice due to blot clots. Once we changed doctors and his blood was being monitored on a regular basis while increasing and decreasing his blood thinner he seemed to being ok. We had his pain somewhat under control. Each day I could see him getting weaker and weaker. His appetite decreased. On 11/2 the doctor told me that he had a week or less. He lasted 9 days. I keep replaying the last few days of his life and I wonder If I did everything that I could. His brother and sister came and stayed with us during the last week. We did everything we could to keep him compfortable. On his last night, I was exhausted and went to bed. His brother stayed up with him all night. He talked with him even though we got no reponse from Mack. The "death rattle" had begun. The Hospice nurse had given us some pills for the secretion, but that didn't seem to help. He was basically unresponsive. He could no longer go to the restroom even with help. Shortly before I awoke he urinated and was all wet. I waited for my son to say good-bye and go to school. I held Mack's hand and told him that I loved him and he needed to go rest. We began to undress him. This was very difficult because he was dead weight. We had not brought an hospital in yet because Mack did not want one. As we got his clothes off we noticed his face changing and he was gasping for air. We quickly covered him up as he was reaching to cover his private area. Obviously, he did know what was going on. We all watched as he took his last breath. We told him we loved him and it was ok to go. I feel guilty that I was not up with him all night and that I was the one changing him when he died. I was his primary caregiver. I bathed him, dressed him, fed him, gave him his meds. Maybe it was appropriate that he died at that time. As I am writing this I realize that there really was nothing more I could do. I just hope he realizes how much I love him and I am going to miss him.
I would appreciate any words of support that you could offer. I am interested in attending a support group. Thanks for reading.... Donna