On 8/7/2007
Merrilee wrote:
Looking through Cancer...........
I sit here in disbelief .........listening to the silence and crying- my own crying
I think....how could I have lost my husband to Cancer? Or did I find him through Cancer>
We loved, dreamt, traveled, shared dreams and had hope together........ did this really happen>
He was such a great daddy, a great husband, a hard worker and of course a great man........... was he here?
I hear him in our children's laughter, I see his eyes in our children's faces, and feel his hope in our children's dreams........
I feel sadness, anger, happiiness, guilt, grief , happiness and confused-
I feel sad for families still dealing with the cancer, i feel sadness for losing my husband...........
I feel anger that I didn't know this could happen? Did I do what I could to prepare myself?
I feel guilt for trying to live without him by my side.......
I feel grief for my own selfish reasons and wish he were here- although I know he is not in pain
I feel happiness for families that still have their loved one in life and happy they celebrate their life.........
I feel confused because I am alone and I don't know where to go?
People tell me- he is in a better place, you are so strong, or he doesn't have to deal with the pain anymore.....I hope they never have to hear those attempts of comfort
I walk through the house looking for evidence that my best friend was here and I am thankful I have our children to help me remember him........
I pray for all people- the patients, caregivers, health care and of course- those that have not been diagnosed yet. Looking through Cancer .... I have to wonder....... was he really here?