Maggie, thanks so much for sharing your story and advice. Of all the research and investigating I have done on my father's cancer, just connecting with you has been the most helpful thing to me.
The tension in my parent's house is also thick. I have three young children whom I do not want to expose too much to that enivironment, so that presents another dillemma for me when I travel to their house. Of course, my husband is quite fine with staying home with them!
My Dad has not played the "I'm a dying man" card on me--yet. I presume it is that very fact that has played a role in ratcheting up his anger lately. The fact that he is indeed, dying, and it is all beyond his control. Somehow, now that he is so sick and frail now, I find him less intimidating. However, if I was in a situation like you described, I might cave in, too. I feel badly arguing with a terminally ill old man! But. like you mentioned, it is often a no win situation with him (and my mother) and nothing that is ever done or said is quite right or enough, or whatever. You know how it is: there is always a fault or deficiency with everyone and everything. It is truly a sad way to go through life, let alone an attitude to die with. But is is his definition of 'normal'.
It has taken me years to 'get' that the problem lies with my father and not me. I do understand that now, but that is not to say that he scathing remarks do not still sting. I have a wonderful husband and he and I have worked hard over the years to establish our own family traditions and such so that we can convey the importance of HEALTHY family interactions while steering clear of the unhealthy ones.
Thanks so much for your kindness and friendship.