On 1/24/2008 alwaysthere wrote:
Does anyone know how common this is? Is it an end of life thing? or a "chemo brian" thing? I had something similar happen to me recently and I am still just really trying to figure out how to even get my head around it. I was totally surprised to see this topic here, but glad cause I could use some advice.
Alwaysthere,
I've heard of four cases (including yours) in addition to mine now. Three I've learned about from the internet and one is a friend of my family. On another site with a forum on this topic out of 65 posts only two are about the ill spouse cheating. Also, if I assume that from your post it the male in the relationship that cheated that makes it one female and four males that had affairs during their illness. I know that is not alot of statistics to base solid conculsions on but it supports what I believe.
I believe just like all infidelity that it is a shelfish thing. I do not believe that it and end of life thing or drugs - those are just excuses and everyone that has an affair has them. Might the affair not happened at this time if they weren't ill? Probably not but I believe that given the right circumstances (even perhaps positive stress factors) at a different time they would have an affair. I think it is a lack of strong morals, difficult times and opportunity that lead them to make the wrong choice. Really, they have other so many other choices of things to do to make them feel better or they could have filed for divorce.
I haven't been able to wrap my head around it. I do believe that my husband still cares about me (probably even loves me at some level) but not enough to turn to me or professionals for help rather than some other person. I logically know it is not my fault although it doesn't always feel that way.
Perhaps your situation is such that you find it possible to accept that it was the drugs. For instance, I've read that there are many that believe that antidepressants drastically change people. I can see that the drugs may have influenced him but he still knew right from wrong and should have gotten whatever help he needed to avoid having an affair. He told her several times that they should stop because he didn't want to hurt me. He was totally aware of his actions and able to sneak around and hide it. Alot of things influence people, drugs and otherwise, we are still responsible for our actions. Right?
Anway, I'm sorry that you are in similar circumstances and also that I'm still so negative. I hope that you find some peace and please be sure to take care of yourself.
Karen