Hi. I just read your message, and it took me back to my time of uncertainty and diagnosis. Let me tell you, I was the biggest baby, crying all the time... My actual for real diagnosis came after the ENT removed the enlarged node in my neck, as the biopsy was inconclusive for some reason. That was in April '06, and it was like a death sentence. I fell apart, imagined major changes in my body that were just normal things, and then my mother was diagnosed. That took my mind off myself; she was a trooper, but lived only 47 days after being told she had cancer, never a chance for treatment.
I, on the other hand, have been on the "watch and wait" program, and after falling apart, pulling myself back together, knowing I will fall apart many times, have learned that hysterics don't make it easier, and have grown pretty matter of fact about it all. That is quite possibly because I have not had to go through chemo, as mine is indolent.
The best advice I ever could hope to give someone is to LIVE. For so long, I used my days up 'dying', and now I realise that those were wasted days. LIVE, and be grateful you can still breathe, and you can wake up, and just for a few moments at the beginning of the day, you don't even think of cancer. After a while, you learn that much of your day can be spent without thinking of it.
Don't spend time looking for new symptoms, as they will show quick enough. I try not to check myself (I used to be frantic about finding changes, and stress is not good), and instead I note the changes and let the doctor know. He tells me to tell him about itching, night sweats, and weight loss that I am not trying to achieve. That's all. Easy enough to keep up with. In between doctor visits, I have too much living to do. He said he would tell me when to worry, and I believe him.
Think positive, it helps. It has been right about 2 years since I noticed that swollen place on my neck, and I have them other places, but I am doing wonderful. It is always at the back of my mind, but when I am stressed, it is not over the cancer anymore. Not until he tells me to worry, anyway. you learn to deal. You really do.
Until your doctor tells you to worry, breathe in and breathe out. There. You made it through another second =). Keep it up for as long as possible, and enjoy life. Don't waste it with worry. It seems difficult now, I know. But it gets easier. I promise. And I tend to become a drama queen when I let it get to me. It's been quite a while since I have felt the need to fall apart, though I know it will happen a couple of times, and I will survive.
2 years ago I was planning my own funeral. Now I am planning my first home, as the future does require a place of my own to enjoy with those I love. If that word is spoken in my new home, There better be a good reason to bring it up.