I too, need to vent. It's been almost 2 years of me "taking care" of
mom. She didn't go to the doc's until she was stage III - or IV because
she has an innate fear of doctors. She watched her sister die while
under the care of doctors and chemotherapy when she also had breast
cancer. Long story short - the first half year she let the family in on
her illness, I was driving back and forth multiple times a week to her
place to make sure she had what she needed. It finally got to the point
where the only option was to move her in with me. So for the past year,
she has been living with myself and my boyfriend.
Now she's
actually better than she was a year ago - put it this way, she's no
longer on oxygen - but she's far from okay without me. She's still
undergoing chemo - it has recently spread to her liver.
I
feel horrible for feeling the way I feel, but the only way I can
describe this is that I am tired of taking care of her. Mind you, I'm a
positive person and I've been alright with all this so far...I take it
as my eldest daughter duty. By the way, my younger sister is living
abroad, no other family, no ex-husband, no one else but me is available
to take care of her.
All of a sudden, I feel resentful that my
boyfriend can't support me financially so that I can spend the time I
need to to properly take care of her and just be with her without the
anxiety that I'm not working and making more money (that's needed as
well), AND on top of that, becoming resentful that I even have
to be at someone's beck and call, and I can't believe I
even feel this way. I feel imprisoned. But I do. I just
hope it's passing...and that I'll return to what was a very
mature and loving mother/daughter/friend/friend relationship and
feeling with my mom.
I try taking time for myself and
for my bf and i, but everytime I leave for any extended period of time,
a night, a big event, etc...I come back to my mom having developed some
(Psychosomatic?) extra issues that I'll need to tend to intensely until
she's better...then I try to take some time for myself, then again, the
cycle.
I feel horrible for feeling horrible and
resentful. I have every intention of taking care of her as long as
needed...not sure why I feel different all of a sudden. Will this
pass?