My Mother Is In Stage 3

On 1/25/2008 tweetybbad wrote:

I guess I need to just talk or scream, heck I don't even know at this point.  On 5 January 2008, my oldest sister and I took my mother to the ER in Hot Springs, Arkansas to St. Joseph Mercy Hospital, because she was hurting really bad in her chest.  At first we thought it was her heart, she has had a quadruple bi-pass, but she kept telling us it was a different hurt.  I have had gall stones and remember the pain very well, so I suggested maybe she might have that, and with a CT it showed she had gallstones.  Then on 6 January 2008, mother went in for routine gallbladder surgery.........no big deal, right?  We could not have been more wrong.  The doctor came out and told us, it was cancer and the most aggressive type.  Needless to say we were all speechless!  Mother is 77 years old, has chronic lung disease (on oxygen 24/7) has heart problems, she is not active at all, has had 2 hip replacements and can't walk without assistance, so all these things are going against her.

Tomorrow 25 January 2008, mother will have a PET Scan to determine how far the cancer has spread, and that will give us some idea as to the severity, and maybe how long we will have her with us.  She has a DNR in place, and does not want chemo, all she wants to do is go home, and sleep in her own house. 

Another problem, my older sister believes the doctors don't know what they are talking about, she says mother is sick, but it's not cancer.  About 3 days ago mother was awake, talkative, laughing and feeling really good, then she took a nap, and woke up a totally different person.  She thought we had put something in her food, and thought my little sister and I were "up to something, and she would get to the bottom of it".  We tried to assure her no one was doing anything wrong, but that didn't work.  The nurse drew some blood for H & H, and found both extremely low so they gave her 2 units of blood, and the next morning, mother was herself again. My oldest sister says, "mother was acting that way because we were withholding information from her" although I tried to tell her, she wouldn't listen, and informed me "I better not keep anything from her".

I am getting so tired.  Mother has been here 20 days and I have been here 16 of those days.  Three of my sisters have been staying as well, but they get to go home, and stay home 3 or 4 days at a time, but since I don't have a job, and evidently no life, I am expected to stay here the majority of the time.  I have had 6 back surgeries, and have to be in a wheelchair to get around, and I can't even take my medications at night to ease the pain because I have to stay awake and take care of mother.

Has anyone else been in the same shoes as I am in right now?  How did you survive?  If anyone has had a loved one diagnosed with cancer in the gallbladder and in stage 3 did the doctor ever give you a life expectancy of your family.  Mother says she knows she has cancer, and doesn't like pain so she hopes she goes fast, although I want to be selfish and keep her here forever, I don't want to see her suffer.

Thanks for lending an ear.

Teresa Badeaux/Higginbotham

My dear girl:

The only words that I can give you are that you MUST not blame yourself for any feelings that you are experiencing, either about your mother or other family members.  Probably the most important thing you can do is for yourself and by that I mean, when all is over, you need to be able to tell yourself that you did the very best you could.  You love your mother and she knows that; however, this is her time to come to terms with her death and no matter how difficult it is, you must allow her this and suffer all the agony that comes when we lose those we love most.  I hope you have a friend or relative or even a religious to talk to when you get so low.  Everyone is different, needs are varied, but the main thing is to take care of yourself, both emotionally and physically as best you can.  You will be glad you got through it, I can promise that.

Sincerely,

SS