Hi xyz123,
It sounds like you and your mom could really use some help communicating. You're absolutely right - now is definately the time when you need the support of each other the most.
Every person copes differently with this monster of a disease. It seems that your mom's consumption by it is her way. She is trying to cope by contolling absolutely everthing that she CAN, including even your feelings in the form of guilt. This disease makes everyone around it so powerless, and so useless. Try to be patient with her. You've already mentioned that she is kindhearted, and she is faced with the very difficult reality that she may soon be losing her spouse.
That being said, I know how difficult it is to have a parent in this scenario. My dad was diagnosed in May, and I lost him Dec.21. He was also at home, and my Mom was also his primary caregiver. There were bad days, and worse days, but it's important to remember that a family needs each other during these times. Don't give up on your Mom (or Dad, for that matter) but don't allow either of them to manipulate you through guilt, or any other tactics. You are entitled to have your own feelings, and only do what you feel you can. No more, no less. We're all only human, and we are all victims to this disease. Sometimes I wonder if caregivers have it worse...
Show your Mom your post, if you think it might help. Sometimes it's easier to show a letter that's addressed to a stranger. Create some awareness. I can tell you really care about your family, and that you're hurting over all this. She needs to know that you're all in this together, and that even though she may be losing a spouse, you may be losing a parent. Your Dad needs to know that you both will be OK if something happens to him.
Take good care. I wish you and your family love and peace. Keep us posted how you all are doing.
Kylie