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Thursday the 6th March, 2008

Dear Message Board Readers

Is there any clinic, institute or hospital that feel they could help me?  I am at the end of my tether physically and mentally and need help desperately.

I am 55 and a half years old, female, and live on my own from choice.  I spent five long years nursing my elderly, frail mother who died from melanoma (skin cancer) at the ripe old age of 84 and a half years old.  She became quite "difficult" at times, but in spite of that I loved her dearly.  I now live in her old flat but the memories can be hard to bear.  I try to sleep in her former bedroom but I am so often awake in the middle of the night I cannot recall when I last had a decent night's sleep.

I am on Zometa, Prozac, Diazepam, Calcihew and Buccastem.  I do not know if any of these drugs are doing me any good whatsoever.  I spend my life going backwards and forwards to the doctors surgery and he just looks at me, shrugs his shoulders, smiles and says that's all the NHS can do for you at the moment, I'm afraid.  My multiple myeloma was diagnosed in March 2005, but I am still here, and terrified.  At the local hospital they told me my myeloma is "inactive", "stable" and "just sitting there" as he put it, but they will not give me any chemotherapy or anything because he said it would not have any effect on it.  So why do I feel so ill all of the time.  I try to believe in God, and made an effort even to go to church, but the effort was just too much and I ended up blacking out from sheer panic during a service which I was actually enjoying at the time.  I was brought up Roman Catholic, but I still find it very hard to believe in.

When my father died at 73 I was 21 years old.  My mother had me put in a psychiatric hospital because she couldn't handle the trouble I was having with "where's Daddy".  I had a wonderful treatment there called deep sleep therapy combined with a treatment called electro convulsive therapy.  Apparently no one seems to use this any more and if I ask my doctor about it he just says no you can't have it these days.  I don't believe him. 

Now at the age of 55, I am constantly lethargic, tired, depressed and crying nearly all the time.  I do not drink any alcohol because I am afraid of mixing it with the chemicals.  I do not smoke.  I see a NHS haematologist every 3 months who is useless.  I am now house bound because I am frightened to go out at all because I constantly feel "weak legged" and so lethargic.  I am not as a result getting any "exercise".  I used to like walking just round the block if and when I could do it, but I can't do that now because I am too frightened.  I weigh 12 st 6 lb or so which is not too bad because I try to eat quite well.  I get out of bed OK, I shower etc. and get dressed, but am back in bed 12 - 1 pm until 5 pm or so.  I get so depressed and I am so alone.  I have no friends to talk to, only so called family members who do not help me at all.  They never phone me, I always have to do the phoning because they are stingy with their money.  I do not like any of them much anyway so there's no point and they do not live near here.

I live in Hove, near Brighton, East Sussex, in the South of England.

Does anyone know of somewhere I could stay, bearing in mind I am on State benefits and do not have much money at all, where I could in some way get all my confidence back.  That's what I've done, I've lost all my confidence.  Especially since that "attack" in church.  I used to be a member of a cult called the "temple of Set" (does anybody reading this know anything about them) who I am sure are still having a go at me 10 years later just out of spite so they can have some fun at my expense.

Please can anywhere help me.  I could travel with an escort if one were provided.

Yours, Rosemary B